Gotta Be You

I know how they both feel and now all that’s left to do is to find out how I feel.

And right now, my heart is stuck in the middle of a tug-o-war. Niall pulling hard on one side and Harry pulling just as hard on the other.

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49. The Missing Piece

Isla’s POV

 

It was now four in the morning and I was still wide awake, lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling. All I’ve been doing is thinking for the past few hours. Thinking about Niall, Harry and myself.

I’ve replayed the conversations I had with Niall and Harry today over and over in my head. And then my mind wandered off to the first day that I met them up until the last memory I have with each of them. After that, everything that happened after the car accident up until now played in my mind, the time I spent with Harry, thinking we were still together and how happy I was. And then the conversations I had with both of them after they came for me in Presteigne took its turn in my thoughts. And then, when they confessed how much each of them love me and how much they want to be with me consumed my thoughts again. And now, that I have some of my memory back, the ones of me and Niall, the only memories I’m missing are the time during the end of mine and Harry’s relationship and when we broke up.

I feel like those memories hold a vital part in my decision. I have everything I need to know before making my decision except the time from before and after I broke up with Harry. I wish I could remember but at the same time, I didn’t.

I wish I could remember because then I would know why I fell out of love with the person that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I wanted to know why I broke his heart, something I never wanted to do. If I fell out of love with him then what would happen if I chose him and the same thing happened? I grew scared of the thought.

But at the same time, I felt like I was meant to forget about that time. Or maybe I was just telling myself that to rid of my fears towards my decision. Or maybe, fate is giving me another chance at love with Harry. I truly did love him more than anything else in the world. I used to be scared of losing him. He was a part of me and I felt empty without him. I guess I’m just scared of what the future will be if I choose him.

And then there’s Niall.

With him, everything is picture perfect. We started off as friends and then we fell for each other. Nothing could make a relationship stronger than that. Of course Niall fell in love way before I did but I felt like I loved him just as much as he loved me. He always made me happy, especially when I was feeling upset or sad, I loved that about him. I always had fun with him and it felt like everyday was spent like our last. He was carefree but he was the most caring person I knew. I don’t think a day has gone by that he hasn’t made me laugh when we’re together.

The only thing that’s been worrying me about choosing Niall is the chance of losing the friendship that we have. I cherished our strong relationship as friends and I never wanted to lose it. I know I’m being negative and that I shouldn’t even be thinking about ever losing my friendship with Niall but I felt like my connection with Niall is mostly what’s been keeping me together all this time. When I would become upset or hurt, Niall was always there to pick me up and put a smile on my face. And if I choose him and things don’t turn out well then I risk losing my best friend.

All of these thoughts have been running through my mind for hours and I felt like I’m not getting any closer to making a decision, if anything, it’s made me more confused.

I groaned and sat up in frustration before running my hands through my hair. Sighing, I got up out of bed and started pacing back and forth.

I felt like I had everything I need to make a decision but there was something holding me back. One thing that I need to know before I’m able to choose between Niall and Harry. I kept thinking of reasons not to do it but now it was the only thing I could think of.

I had to get my memory of the end of mine and Harry’s relationship and of our breakup back. I know it will have a drastic effect on my decision but I don’t think I’ll be able to make one without it.

The tricky part was finding a way of getting it back. I continued pacing back and forth as I tried to think of a way to get it back. I could look through Twitter and Facebook to try and trigger my memory but that would be too much work going through all of the tweets and pictures.

And then I thought of the times that I got my memory back when I was with Niall. The time that Niall was on top of me tickling me the night that we spent a day together watching The Big Bang Theory, the memory of him teaching me to skateboard and then falling on top of me when we crashed came back to me. And then when we had to sing Gotta Be You in the restaurant made me remember the time that Niall sang the same song to me from my front yard.

I realized that being in similar situations as those forgotten memories brings them back. So now the only way I can get the memories of Harry back is to basically reenact a certain memory with him. But since I don’t remember anything, there was only one thing I could do. And doing this will either be the best thing or the worst thing I could do.

Before I could change my mind, I grabbed my keys and quietly left the house. I got into my car and headed to Harry’s house.

It felt like seconds had gone by when I reached Harry’s place and I parked in his driveway before getting my phone and dialing his number.

*RING* *RING*

My heart thumped against my chest, getting louder and louder after each ring.

*RING* *RING*

I was about to hang up when a voice came from the other end.

“Hello?” Harry’s voice was low and scratchy.

I couldn’t seem to make words come out of my mouth.

I heard some movement from Harry’s end, sounding like he was getting up.

“Isla, is that you? Why are you calling me at…” He paused, most likely looking at the time. “…4:30 in the morning? Is everything alright?”

I cleared my throat. “Yes, everything’s fine. Umm…I was just…I was wondering if we could…talk.”

I heard him yawn.

“I’m so sorry for waking you up. I should have waited until later. Oh shoot, I forgot that you have work. I’m sorry, I’ll leave now and let you sleep again.”

“Leave? What do you mean, leave?”

I mentally hit myself at my slip-up.

“I’m kind of in your driveway right now.”

Scuffling could be heard through the phone, followed by slow footsteps before I looked up to see a light being turned on and Harry’s figure appearing on the window looking down at me.

“I’ll be down in a second, come meet me in the front door.”

“Okay.”

He hung up before he walked away from the window, out of sight. I took a deep breath before I stepped out of the car and headed to the front door. I waited patiently until Harry opened the door a few seconds later. I was glad that he decided to put a shirt on but his just-got-out-of-bed hair and sleepy eyes was not helping my situation.

“Come in,” he said, giving me a small smile.

 I stepped inside and took a couple of steps before I stopped to wait for Harry as he closed the door.

He gestured towards the living room. “Would you like to sit?”

All I did was nod before I walked into the living and sat down on the sofa. He took a seat beside me and rested his eyes on me.

“What’d you want to talk about?”

I looked down at my hands placed on my lap, not being able to make eye contact with him. What I was about to ask him was making nervous.

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking tonight, hence why I can’t sleep. And I’ve just thought about everything that’s happened, all the way from the beginning up until now. I feel like I have everything I need to know before I make my decision. Except one thing.”

I paused and let silence fill the air around us.

“And what would that be?” Harry said softly.

I finally built up the courage to look up at him. “The only memory I don’t remember and that I think plays a big role in my decision is…the time before we broke up and what led up to it.”

His face remained expressionless as he continued to look into my eyes. He remained silent but looked like he was deep in thought. I decided to continue before I chickened out.

“And I realized that I get my memories back when certain things happen that are similar to those memories. Like yesterday, when I passed out, it was actually because I got a memory back. It was the memory of Niall singing Gotta Be You to me from my front yard, just like he was doing at the restaurant.”

He looked away, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. “So…you want the memory of us breaking up back so…you want to break up with me again right now?”

I mirrored his expression as my eyebrows scrunched together. “No, no. That’s not what I meant. I mean, I don’t think that’s the part that I want to remember. I think I need to remember the part of the end of our relationship.”

“So how are you thinking of getting that memory back?” he asked, looking even more confused.

I took a deep breath and let a few seconds pass. “I was thinking that we could…kiss.”

His eyes grew wide for a second as he looked at me, surprise written all over his face.

“But…we’ve kissed before. I mean, after the accident, after you lost your memory. Wouldn’t that trigger your memory back then?”

“I thought that, too, but back then all I knew what that I was in love with you. Now, I know the truth and I feel like it’ll be different. With Niall, I got memories of him back once I started getting suspicions about the two of us and then after I found out that we were actually together. And now that I know everything, I can’t think of any other way that I can get those memories back. I know it’s being selfish but I can’t think of any other way. I mean, you can say no and I’ll completely understand.”

I looked at him as he took in what I said. “But what if nothing happens?”

“Then there’s nothing else we can do and I’ll just have to make a decision based off of everything else that I know. I know that it’s horrible asking this of you, I mean, I’m basically using you. But--”

“I’ll do it.”

I looked at him, shock filling me. I honestly thought that he would say no. I mean, if I kiss him and I get my memory back of the end of our relationship then that would be bad for Harry’s part. He would think that I would choose Niall over him knowing that I remember falling out of love with him.

“Really?”

All he did was nod. I could see sadness fill his eyes for just a second before he blinked it away.

“You know that if--”

“I know,” he said, nodding in understanding. He knew the consequences of the kiss. “I just feel like you have the right to remember.”

I stared at him, just thinking about how thoughtful it was for him to do this for me. Because of this and how amazing he was to me when we were together, I felt like, even if I remembered, it wouldn’t make me think of him any less. I would still love him the same.

At least, that’s what I was hoping.

“Thank you, Harry.” I gave him a small smile. But then, worry filled me at my next thought. “And please, don’t tell Niall.” I looked at him with pleading eyes.

“I won’t, I promise.” He gave me a small and slightly sad smile. “So…should we just kiss now or…”

“Um…” Now comes the hard and awkward part. I moved closer towards him on the sofa. Once I was right beside him, he hesitantly placed his hand on my thigh and his other one on my cheek. He stroked the side of my face as he looked into my eyes.

“I love you, Isla,” he said.

I was about to say something but I was cut off when Harry placed his lips on mine. The kiss was soft, no urgency in it. I was trying to keep my head straight throughout the kiss but I found myself getting lost like I always do. And soon, I found my hands roaming to his chest and the other one to the back of his neck.

Nothing was happening yet like I was hoping it would and I was about to pull away but that thought was pushed away as I felt Harry deepen the kiss. His hand moved into my hair as he leaned his head to one side to deepen the kiss even more. Soon enough, I felt his tongue lightly brush my lips asking for entrance. Once again, I tried keeping my head straight but his kiss was sending me over the edge. Before I could stop myself, I gave in and allowed his tongue entrance. I let go and I felt like I was in the clouds.

And then…

 

Harry’s POV

 

This was only supposed to be an innocent kiss. A sweet, innocent kiss. But I couldn’t resist it anymore. I can never resist with her. It was a risky move but my worries were pushed away as I felt her kiss me back. It’s been so long since I’ve tasted her lips on mine and I couldn’t get enough of it.

Shivers ran down my spine as her fingers raked through my hair and then pulling on it to pull me closer to her. As the kiss became deeper and deeper, I found myself getting more and more lost in this world where only me and Isla exist.

I needed her kiss like I needed air in my lungs.

But then suddenly, I felt her freeze in her spot, her lips no longer moving but so was the rest of her body. I pulled back to look at her and saw that she was indeed frozen in her spot. Her eyes were closed, her whole body still. I felt anxiety creep up in my body. Was she going to pass out again?

“Isla?” Panic filling my voice. I placed both of my hands on the sides of her face, rubbing my thumbs softly but urgently against her cheeks. “Isla?”

Still no response.

My heart thumped against my chest.

“Isla? Please answer me.”

Just as I was about to call for help, I saw her eyelids twitch.

“Isla? Isla, love, talk to me.”

She finally got movement back in her body. Her hands slightly shaking, her chest moving in and out at each breath. She leaned her head down but I kept my hands placed on them.

I waited for her to say something. I knew she was out of the trance or whatever had happened to her. Seconds ticked by as I watched her every move.

“I’m sorry.”

Those words that she just whispered to me are what caused the whole world to crash down on me. I knew the true meaning behind those words.

“You remember?” I asked.

All she did was nod, which caused my hands to slowly slip down off of her face. I could literally feel the pain in my heart. It’s happened so many times already and it only gets worse every time. I didn’t know what to do or say.

Isla suddenly took my hands in hers and looked up at me with pained eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Harry. I never wanted to hurt you like I have. But I feel like…no matter how hard we try to make it work, it never does. I don’t want to hurt you anymore, Harry. And I know that if we get back together, both of us will get hurt again. I love you, Harry, I really do. I always will. What we had was amazing, some of the best memories I will remember forever. And what we have now, I think is how things are meant to be between us now. I don’t ever regret meeting you or being with you, if anything, I wish I could feel it again. But I think we’re just meant to be in each other’s lives as friends, as two people who shared something special and that no one else will take away from us. It made our relationship stronger and I know that we’ll always be in each other’s lives forever. I know that we still need each other. Well…at least I know I will. I really hope that you feel the same.”

She watched me with sad eyes and all I could think is how I’ve known the same things she’s just said to me but I just kept pushing those thoughts away because I didn’t want them to be true. I remember the time before our breakup, how she didn’t look at me the same way she did when we first started going out. Our kisses weren’t as passionate anymore. We didn’t spend as much time together as we did. And when I noticed that, I did everything I could to make things better. To make our relationship work. I never wanted to lose her and I could see it coming. And when she broke up with me, I couldn’t say that I was surprised but I prayed every day that it would never happen.

And now, even though technically were not together, it felt like she was breaking up with me all over again. Maybe even worse because of the one amazing month that we spent together after her accident.

Now, I didn’t know what to do. How am I supposed to get over her again? I never got completely over her after we broke up.

“Harry, please say something.”

I was snapped out of my thoughts at the sound of her voice, completely forgetting that she was there. I slowly looked up at her and there were tears brimming her eyes.

“What’s there to say?” I croaked. I tried to put on a smile to hide the pain that I was feeling but it quickly went away.

I could see her eyes searching mine and moments passed between us just looking at each other.

“Say that you’ll still be friends with me. Say that you’ll never leave me. That you don’t hate me. That you’ll forgive me.” Worry filled her features as she looked at me with pleading eyes.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, Isla. This is how you feel and I have to accept it. As for hating you, I would never hate you. And I would never leave you. And as much as I wish that we could be more than friends, I’d take us being friends over nothing. It’ll be hard but after everything that you went through, you deserve to be happy and I know that Niall will do that. I kind of knew that you would pick Niall but I just wanted to show you and tell you how much that I still love you, how much I care for you, even having to kiss you to help you get your memory back. I will do anything for you.” I paused to give her the most sincere smile that I could manage and soon found it growing when she smiled back at me. “And if Niall hurts you, I’ll kick his ass.”

She laughed while wiping away the tears that escaped. When she calmed down, she looked at me again.

“I know you will. You’ll find your perfect girl, Harry. Someone who will make you happy. You deserve the best. And I’ll be interrogating every girl you date to make sure they’re genuine and only want to be with you not because they want to be with Harry Styles, a member of the biggest boy bands in the world but because they want to be with Harry Edward Styles, the sweetest, most caring, most perfect man in the world.” She gave me one of her one-of-a-kind smiles and I couldn’t help the feeling it gave me seeing it. Silence filled the room as I looked into her eyes that I used to love staring at. I remember us just looking at each other for hours, not saying a word but feeling like a million things were being said just by our eyes. I was definitely going to miss looking into them.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to find another perfect girl.” I saw her smile falter for a second but I could see that she was trying to keep it on. “You were my perfect girl but I know there’s someone out there and that we’ll be perfect for each other.”

“You will find her, Harry. Even if I have to play Cupid.” She grinned at me as I laughed.

“At least now I’ll know what to look for in a girl.” It was my turn to grin at her as her face softened.

“You’re amazing, Harry. I don’t know what I did to deserve you. I truly am lucky to have you in my life.”

“I’m the lucky one here. Don’t ever think otherwise.”

“Can I have a hug?” she asked.

I laughed. “You know you never have to ask.” I opened my arms and wrapped them around her as she scooted closer to me. Moments passed in silence, just holding onto each other.

I’m going to miss this girl so much. But I’m lucky just having her in my life, even as friends. It’ll be hard but I know that eventually, things will get better for me. It won’t be the best without Isla but I know I’ll get close to it.

“I love you, Harry. I always will.”

I took in her words and let it sink it. I know she always will love but just hearing it from her gives me one of the best feelings in the world. Another thing I’m going to miss about her. Even though she was in my arms right now, I could already feel her slipping away.

“I love you too, Isla. And nothing will ever change that.”

I closed my eyes and let the tears fall.

 

*********************************

 

:'( :'( :'(

Ahhh my heart is broken </3

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So, people on Team Harry, what are your thoughts? Do you hate me? Please don't hate me :( I really hope you continue to read until the end. I still have quite a bit more planned. And I promise to make it up with the next fanfic I write about Harry :) I promise, I already have 2 amazing fanfic ideas :)

Anyways, thanks for reading :)

Love you <3

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