Gotta Be You

I know how they both feel and now all that’s left to do is to find out how I feel.

And right now, my heart is stuck in the middle of a tug-o-war. Niall pulling hard on one side and Harry pulling just as hard on the other.

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27. Inner Darkness

Niall’s POV

 

I don’t remember how but somehow I got back to my place. Everything was a blur, I couldn’t concentrate on anything except the piece of paper clutched in my hands. A letter that could break me, break me into a million pieces and be beyond repair.

I took a deep breath and finally made myself open the letter. And the first line was enough to make my heart drop to my stomach and cause tears to well up in my eyes:

 

To my precious Niall,

There are so many things that I need to write to you in this letter. I’ll start off with what has caused me to leave.

I honestly don’t understand how all of you could keep secrets as big as this from me. I was heartbroken. I was humiliated. And, worst of all, I was hurt. I never thought in a million years that you’d lie to me. I thought we were best friends. We tell each other everything.

That’s why I decided to leave. I don’t think I’d be able to handle things with everything that’s happened lately. And I’m worried that I’m gonna cause more problems if I stay. This might not turn out to be the best decision I’ve made but I believe that I need some time away from everything and everyone. But one of the best decisions I made was deciding to go to Dani’s party because that was the day that I met you. And every one else. I’m so blessed to have had all of you in my life. And know that it hurts me more than you know having to leave.

Hopefully, one day, I will come back. Once I’ve straightened out my life and figured things out, hopefully I’ll be able to. But right now, the best thing for me is to leave.

I’m sorry.

Another thing I wanted to tell you is that whatever happened to us, being together after me and Harry broke up and before the accident, I wish that I remember. I’m sure that it must have been amazing because not only would I have had a boyfriend, I would have had you as my best friend also. I’m sorry that I couldn’t remember. I don’t know how you were able to handle it when you had found out that the last thing I remember was being with Harry. I know how hurt you must have been and I hate knowing that. I hated seeing you hurt.

And, again, I’m sorry if me leaving is causing you more pain but I was hurt more than any of you know. It only added to the stress that I’ve kept bottled up from the horrible things that people say about be with the fact that I’m with you and Harry and I couldn’t handle it anymore.

And, last but certainly not least, I want you to know, Niall Horan, that you are one of the most amazing people I am so lucky to have had in my life. You’re my best friend and I loved spending time with you. I love you so much; never forget that. And I will love you forever.

Love always,

Isla.”

 

By the time I finished reading the letter, the paper was dotted with the tears that had escaped from my eyes.

She was really gone.

There was an ounce of hope inside of me, thinking that this was all a dream, a joke, a lie. But it wasn’t. This was real. And it hurt. It actually hurts.

I didn’t know what to do. I don’t know how I felt right now.

I just wanted her back. I need my best friend. I need the love of my life.

I couldn’t keep it in anymore. I yelled at the top of my lungs. I stood up quickly, causing the chair I was sitting on to fall over. I forcefully swiped everything off of the table. I held onto the edge of the table and flipped it over.

And then it was all a blur, I just went around the room, knocking things over, breaking things. I had thrown a vase across the room, watching it smash into a million pieces when it hit the wall.

Then something caught my eye. A photograph was laying within the shards that came from the vase. I walked over to it and crouched down to pick it up.

It was a picture of me and Isla on our first date. We had gone skating and in the picture, I had my arm wrapped around her shoulders and she had both of hers wrapped around my waist, both of us smiling.

This one photograph instantly sent memories of that night in my brain. I couldn’t stop them but I wanted it to because I couldn’t handle it. Tears started falling again.

I stared at the picture. I stared at Isla’s beautiful face. Her mesmerizing, green eyes. Her perfect, brown hair.

Then, I heard the door open. I heard three pairs of footsteps walk in.

“Niall, what happened?” I heard Liam’s voice say from behind me. His voice was filled with worry, taking in the disaster that I had caused.

I didn’t say anything. I just stayed where I was.

“Niall, get up, there’s glass everywhere,” Louis said. I felt a couple of pairs of hands grip each of my arms and pull me up. They led me to the couch and sat me down. Liam, Louis and Zayn all sat on the coffee table across from me, looking at me worried eyes.

There was a long silence. I honestly had nothing to say right now. I wish they’d just leave me alone.

“Niall, are you okay?” Zayn asked.

I stared at him with disbelief.

“Do I look okay?” I spat, “goddamn.” All of them had wide eyes and were staring at me.

“Niall, we’re here cause we care about you,” Zayn continued, “you’re our brother. We’re always here for each other.”

I’ll admit, I felt bad about the way I was acting right now but I was just angry. But I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

“I know,” I said, “I’m sorry. I really am. I…I just can’t handle it right now.” I opened my eyes and saw them all giving me sympathetic looks.

“We know,” Zayn said, “that’s why were here. We dropped off the girls and then came straight here. We were worried.”

“We’re not going to say that we know how you feel but know that we’re always here if you need to talk,” Louis said.

Another silence.

“What are you thinking right now, mate?” Liam said carefully.

I shook my head and said, “I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m still in denial. She can’t be gone. She can’t!” I started sobbing. I felt Liam sit on the couch beside me and then comfort me.

“It’s okay, let it all out,” he said, rubbing my back.

And I did.

I cried out all of the hurt I’ve felt in the past month. When I found out that Isla was hurt and in a coma. When she woke up and didn’t remember us being together. When we had to lie to her. When I found out that she thought that she was still with Harry. When I would see them hugging each other. When I thought every day in the past month how I wished that I had her back. And now, the worst pain ever, her leaving.

“I hate to be the one to tell you this but…” Zayn said, they all exchanged looks, “…you need to move on, Niall. It will only make things worse if you don’t.”

“We’re not saying you have to move on this second,” Louis quickly added, “but eventually you need to or it’ll consume you. You need to live your life again. We don’t know when, or even if, Isla will be back and we don’t want you to live every day hoping that she will when there’s a chance she won’t.”

“We’re not saying that we’re gonna give up but we don’t want you to have high hopes,” Liam said.

I thought about it long and hard. I don’t think I can ever move on. But I would listen to their advice because I know that they’re looking out for me and I don’t want to disappoint them. Isla will forever be in my thoughts but I have to remember about the other people that I care about. My fours brothers. My family.

Even though Isla was my whole life. Liam, Louis, Zayn and Harry were very special to me. I love them with all of my heart.

So, I just nodded in understanding.

“Why don’t you freshen up and we’ll clean up this miss,” Liam said.

Again, I nodded and stood up. They stood up after me.

“Thank you,” I said, looking at them in turn. “I love you guys.” Then we all went in for a group hug.

For a second, I forgot about my worries. All I could think about right now was how lucky I was to have such amazing friends as them. They were my brothers.

 

**

 

~3 months later~

 

Isla’s POV

 

It’s been three months since I’ve left. I had moved to a small town that straddled the border between England and Wales, called Presteigne. It has a population of 2000 people and it only contains houses, small streets and old shops.

I’m renting a small house in the edge of the town and I got a job as a waitress at a coffee shop.

I had cut off all communication with the outside world, only giving my number to my parents and giving them strict instructions on never to give my number away.

My parents were both doctors and they were always working. They had a lot of money and growing up, that’s all they cared about. That’s why I moved out when I turned 18 and we’ve had an uncomfortable relationship ever since. But they were still my parents. I love them. They love me. And they didn’t want me to be struggling once I told them what I was doing, so they had given me some money for rent and food. But once I had found a job, I had refused to accept money from them anymore. I needed to be independent now.

Since I’ve moved here, I’ve kept to myself. Not making friends. Only making acquaintances with coworkers and neighbours. But that’s it.

The reason is that I’ve been scared to develop relationships with people after what had happened. I learned that people who you care about are the ones that are able to hurt you the most. So that’s why I’ve avoided growing close to other people in this town.

There were two other girls who worked at the coffee shop with me and they would always invite me to hang out with them. But I always came up with an excuse to get out of it. They seemed like nice girls, don’t get me wrong. I just didn’t want to be vulnerable again.

I finished putting up the last chair. I told the other girls, Trine and Sophie, that they could go home and I’d finish up closing the shop. I took off my apron, putting it away in a shelf behind the counter and headed out. I turned off all of the lights and locked the doors.

It was 12:15 at night and as I looked around the empty streets, I felt the usual loneliness accompany me. I walked in the direction of my place but, halfway there, I had zoned out and ended up at the train station.

I looked behind me, seeing a few lights on in the small town.

This is what my life has turned to. Me hiding in a small, secluded town. Hiding from my real home. Hiding from the people I love.

I turned towards the train station again.

I could hop on the train and head home. Or I could stay here and continue to be a coward.

Every day, a part of me is wanting to get on a train and go back to the people I care about. The people that make me happy. But then I would realize that things wouldn’t be the same anymore. They’ve probably forgotten about me. They’re probably angry with me for leaving.

Fear started growing inside me. And that’s when I started to take a few steps back, away from the train station.

I turned around and looked towards town, tears building up in my eyes.

There was nothing there for me, too. There was no one there to talk to. There’s no home for me there.

And now I was stuck. I didn’t belong here. I didn’t belong anywhere.

If I don’t belong anywhere, why am I still here?

I had no one. I had nothing.

I am nothing.

A debate had gone through my mind and when I made a decision, I took a deep breath and turned around. I faced the train station and walked towards it. One step after the other. Getting closer and closer to the train station.

But I didn’t stop at the platform. I continued to walk to the train tracks. My feet taking control of my body and leading me to the tracks.

I stopped at the edge of the tracks, staring down at it with a blank expression.

My whole body was shaking. I closed my eyes and my feet stepped over the tracks, centering myself in the middle. I faced towards one side, the side that the train usually comes.

This is it. This is where my pitiful life ends. I am embracing the darkness that has built up inside of me. And now I am able to end the sorrow.

I could see light through my eyelids and I opened them to see a bright light heading towards me. It was still a few hundred meters away from me. I closed my eyes again, waiting for the impact. Waiting for the answer to the problems.

I heard the train whistle. They’ve probably seen me. The whistle continued like crazy.

But I was able to tune it out. And a second later, my life flashed before my eyes.

My first day of school.

My first winter.

My first Christmas.

High school.

My first boyfriend.

My first heartbreak.

Dancing.

Meeting Danielle.

Meeting Harry and Liam.

Meeting the girls.

Meeting Zayn and Louis.

Meeting Niall.

My first date with Harry.

Losing my virginity.

The car crash.

Going home after waking up.

And then finding out about all of the lies.

And that’s when I shut everything off. My mind was blank. I still had my eyes closed.

I could hear the train whistle again. I felt the ground underneath me shaking. I waited for the impact. I could feel the train getting closer and closer until the light was blinding me through my eyelids. And then…

 

BAM!

 

****************************

 

THE END.

 

 

 

 

 

LOL JK!!!

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