My Dissected Life

I start an experiment. Noting down everthing around me and in me. The emotions, the reflections, the twist and turns. Please be bored!


5. The calm before the storm

I am on sound ground again. Where I was decades ago. Not in that "nothingness" or any such abstract, esoteric BS. I am just simply here, as I felt myself when I was around 5 or 10 years young. Just before that hormonal outburst of inferiority complexes and delusional roads to nowheres.


Anyway, I'm back on track, on the usual track, the healthy track, the track where trains of masses are transported. But I won't forget my great dream world. It makes up my personality. The past will still shine. But won't direct me anymore.


The great thing about my renewed self is this. I am not my addictions anymore. That is real freedom. TV? Movies? Porn? Drugs? Sleeping? Dreaming? Entertainment? Art? Reading? Writing? I don't need it. Don't mind if it's there, but there is so much more to LIFE. More REAL things and experiences. DIRECT experineces. Penetrating into my body and soul. Just sit still and soak it all up. LIFE. Not the thought of life. Not your emotions. Just calm down. Listen. INTO yourself, how you are hearing the things and interpreting and re-interpreting and going in viscious, destructive or static circles. But then, pop! You pop out of it, take a deep sigh and wake up and wake up again. And then you are closer to reality and life. Not quite there yet, but getting there, for sure. Smilingly, with undying hope.


Things always turn out not that bad. And actually just right. So enjoy the ride.


Not the end.

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