My Dissected Life

I start an experiment. Noting down everthing around me and in me. The emotions, the reflections, the twist and turns. Please be bored!

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1. On top of nothing

How old am I? Ah, my memory. I really shouldn't have entered the world of mind-boggling substances when I was... I guess around 16 years. I haven't changed since then. Still the immature, reckless, headless, forgetful teenie. Always getting into trouble. How am I going to pay the rent? With this shitty job I have at the moment. Actually, I don't get paid at the moment, because it is hot summer and the new austerity measures don't allow paid summer vacation. So I need to rely on my aunt's financial legacy, that will sustain us three for a half a year.

My wife turned out to be a monster, after I had to stay at her parents' place for 3 cruel months. I should get the Medal of Bravery for that. Psycho-terror for 3 months, every day, no every morning, as early as 5 am, or if I'm lucky 6 am, "Get up! Laziness is a severe crime! You good-for-nothing!" Here in this foreign culture, I am the alien, the punching bag, where everyone, the whole nation keeps pounding at. How am I supposed to win? Should I just end it, by jumping off a "cylinder". But the worst thing, is the sexlessness. I could so far endure the loneliness, the racism, if I could only have these minutes of total forgetfulness from everything, even my body. But she has chosen to punish me in the meanest way possible.

Ok. Enough with the whining. Life goes on. Especially your boy, having your genes. Even if they tear him away from you, they will never erase my genes in these coming decades. They will forget me, the boy will forget me, though he will keep his blue eyes and dark blond hair, and will somehow integrate into this inhuman society of robots and slaves. I will survive, even if I suffer a hundred deaths and pains. There is this something-someone, greater than anything, not controlling anthing nor anyone, but just being here. It's everything, so we won't see the big picture like he-she-it does. It's grand, awe-inspiring and we'll get a glimpse of him-her-it, when we pass away, over the rainbow, into the mist and through the tunnel, the parallel universe. Now I need to sit still and breathe deeply for a moment.

 

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