Sick Little Games


19. Desiring Love


I was standing in Harry’s bedroom, wearing one of his t-shirts and a old pair of joggers his sister used to own, I was just looking around, curious to find out more about Harry. It was my first time ever being in his room so… It was all very exciting for me. I was just looking at the pictures he had on his wall while he was taking a shower. It was terribly awkward for me to just stand here while he was in there… All I could think about was all the times we took a shower together and… Wow. My hormones were going crazy tonight. I sighed as I shook these naughty thoughts out of my head and brought back my attention to Harry’s family pictures on his wall. There was one of Harry with his gorgeous older sister. There was a picture of him with a man that looked alot like him. Probably his real dad that I never met I guess. There was also one of him with his old band at some random wedding. His smile was so big and… genuine. Everyone knew by now that Harry’s big dream was to become a famous singer. Harry was always happier when he was on stage. I could easily say the same about my 4 other best friends. I guess they should all just be in a band together, ha! What a funny idea.

I was sitting on his bed when he finally came out of the bathroom. He was only wearing a pair of gray boxers. I silently sighed as I cursed him for being so goddamn handsome. He quickly put on a t-shirt and fell on the bed just by my side. As he was laying down just beside me, I simply looked down at him, smiling. We stared at each other for a long time before any of us dared to speak. The silence was weirdly comfortable.

“So… Are you ever going to tell me what is going on actually? ” He whispered. His fingers gently brushing against my hand. I cleared my throat and used all the will power I had in me to not start crying again. He noticed the sudden change in my attitude, so he sat up and gently grabbed my face, bringing me closer to his.

“You can tell me anything! You know that! What are you so scared of..? ” He desperately said, begging me once more to tell him the truth.

“But I can’t… I don’t want you to get involved… I don’t want to put you in any danger- ” I stopped right there as I saw the look in his eyes. I thought he was about to cry.

“I can’t just forget about it, Skye! Someone hurt you and… That’s not something I’m willing to forget about. ”

“But I do… I just want to forget about it… Please. ” I looked down, tears streaming down my face. I pushed his hands away as I leaned against the wall behind me. Harry did the same while sighing heavily. The silence was heavy now. I rubbed my eyes and chuckled as I thought about one little detail that I completely forgot about until now.

“ I thought you were seeing someone, you know… Don’t you have a girlfriend? Wouldn’t she be mad to know that you’re allowing me to stay over for the night? ” I said, smirking. Harry narrowed his eyes at my accusations. He truly seemed confused by what I just said.

“I don’t have a girlfriend… What the hell are you talking about? ” He said, laughing a little.

“You were with a girl the night of… Zayn’s party. ” I swallowed loudly, remembering it was the same night that I got beat up at the club. Harry suddenly looked down at his hands, his cheeks were now all pink.

“Yeah… Well, I kind of… I kinda invited this random girl just to make you jealous but erm… You never showed up anyways. ” I couldn’t help but smile. He wasn’t seeing anyone and he invited a girl to Zayn’s party in the hope of making me jealous. I don’t know why it made me so happy but it just did.

“What about you? Are you still with Ethan..? ” Harry asked awkwardly. I know he didn’t want to ask about him. He just wanted to be polite and I thought it was very sweet of him to do so. I sighed heavily, remembering the night I spent with Ethan… Remembering also how I told Harry I slept with him… when I never did actually.

“I never slept with him… Well, I did when we were dating years ago but not… Not recently. I lied… I’m so sorry! ” I quickly said. I was so scared that Harry would get mad at me for lying.

“Why did you lie about it!? ” Harry said, his voice getting louder. That’s it. He was mad and I was fucked.

“ Because I wanted to make you jealous! ” I half screamed. A single tear escaped from my eye but I wiped it away with my hand immediately, hoping Harry wouldn’t see it. Silence fell upon us once again. I don’t know how Harry reacted at the fact that I tried to make him jealous because I was simply too damn scared to even look at him.

“When did this get all so complicated..? ” I whispered, looking down at my hands.

“Well, I told you I was in love with you and… you turned me down. ” I slowly looked up to meet his eyes and his sad smile. I just wanted to burst out in tears. I had been so terrible and mean to him. I just wanted to take it all back and make it right. I just wanted to make things right with him. I had to.

“I really do love you, Skye… You know that, right? ” His voice cracked at the end. I couldn’t help it, seeing that look on his face, he looked so broken and desperate for me to love him back. I broke down in tears and buried my face in his chest. I don’t know why but he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tighter than ever.

“I know… I know you do. ” I sobbed.

We eventually ended up lying down on his bed, I was still safe in Harry’s arms and I was also still crying. I don’t know why but I just did. I was so confused. I knew that I had feelings for him… I knew it but I didn’t know what to say to him. I just simply didn’t know what I should do anymore. Everything was so fucked up and complicated… I finally drifted off to sleep in his arms as my thoughts and emotions were still terribly confused.

I painfully opened my eyes only to close them right away. I groaned loudly as I was completely blinded by the sun. I slowly remembered where I was and who was in bed with me. Harry was holding to my waist like his dear life depended on it. I could feel his warm breath on my neck as he was still sleeping peacefully. The way he held me so close to him just made me smile. I slowly turned around to face him. Luckily, I didn’t wake him up. As I stared at him, I kept asking myself all kinds of questions. Why did he let me sleep here with him last night? After all I’ve done to him, why does he still care about me so much? And most of all, my most important question I wish I could be brave enough to ask him: How on earth can he possibly love me? There’s nothing about me worth falling in love for. I’m fucked up and I’m terribly sorry for him that he’s too blinded by his crazy feelings to even see that. I hold back my tears as I gently brushed my fingers against his nose and then his cheek. He was so beautiful and he had such a big heart… That’s why I’ll never be enough for him.

“You deserve so much better than me… I don’t even deserve you. ” I whispered as I wiped my tears away.

I wish I could change and be a better person for him but I’m not… I’m not dating material. Not anymore. I’m just damaged and fucked up now and nothing will ever change that. It truly saddens me to see him holding on to me like this. He shouldn’t waste his time with me… Even if it would kill me to see him with someone else.

I gently got out of his firm embrace and quietly made my way into his bathroom. I did my best to close the door behind me without making a single sound. I lazily made my way infront of the mirror and splashed water on my face. I looked up to stare at my reflection and that’s exactly when it hit me. I was in love with him. I was deeply in love with Harry Styles. I’ve been in love with him all of this time. I was just too damn proud and stubborn to admit it. Even though I had all of these feelings for him, telling him about it was never going to be an option. It would never work out because I don’t ever want to give him the opportunity to go and break my heart.

Once I dried my face and my hands with a towel, I slowly made my way back into his bedroom only to find him looking in my direction, smiling. I felt like my heart was going to explode. Was he awake this whole time? Did he heard what I said earlier..?

“Oh! You’re awake! ” I said with a nervous smile. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was going to explode at any second. I really hope he didn’t hear what I said just before leaving the bed.

“Yeah, well, I heard the water running in the bathroom. ” He said simply, letting his head fall on the pillow. I exhaled loudly. Thank god, he was still sleeping when I talked earlier.

I smiled and jumped on the bed. I got under the covers and surprisingly enough, he pulled me closer to him. I couldn’t help but smile even more as I snuggled with him.

“I’m really sorry I made you cry last night… ” Harry broke the comfortable silence. I laughed a little and looked up to meet those beautiful green eyes that I loved so much.

“It’s not your fault! I just cry alot these days… ” I said sarcastically with a sad smile on my face. Harry slowly leaned down and I couldn’t help but feel all of these raging butterflies in my stomach as he softly kissed my cheek. We stared at each other for awhile without saying anything. Nothing needed to be said. I know what he wanted. He probably knew what I wanted either. It was all clear. I got tired of waiting for him to make a move so I just did it. I got up in a sitting position and moved so I was straddling his waist. I couldn’t quite make out this look he had on his face. He looked pleased with what I was doing but also terribly confused at the same time. I couldn’t really blame him. I was always pushing him away but I kept coming back for more.

Just as I was about to lean down to kiss him, he grabbed my waist and spun me around so he was the one on top now. His nose brushed against mine and his hot breath on my face just made the urge to kiss him even more stronger. I grabbed his neck and pulled him into a sweet and delicate kiss. We barely never shared those before. It was always rushed and steamy between us… I never allowed any meaningful sex or whatsoever. Harry slowly pulled away for a second to stare at me. It’s like he was looking for answers. I know what he was wondering. He was wondering what the fuck I was doing exactly and obviously, he was wondering if I had feelings for him after all. If only he knew how much I cared about him but of course, that’s for me to know and me only. He suddenly leaned down again to place a series of kisses on my lips. The way he kissed me, it was so different… It meant something and I knew it. It meant alot more than I wanted it to be. Just as things were going to get more serious, a loud song by The Script surpised us both. It was Harry’s phone.

He kissed me quick and got up to go answer the damn thing. Although it was pretty annoying to be cockblocked like that, I was also relieved someone called him. I shouldn’t have let this happen. My whole plan was to make Harry forget about me so he could go find himself a nice girl. I let out a sigh of relief and got up in a sitting position, gazing at him and thinking about how I was unfortunately so terribly crazy about him.

“Hey mate! (…) Yeah, I’m alright (…) Tonight? Well, I don’t know. I’m with someone (…) Look, I’m with Skye and- (…) Oh, shut up! Look, I don’t think she’ll want to go clubbing- ” I obviously couldn’t help but listen to his conversation and anyways, by the muffled voice I could hear, he was probably talking to Louis. I felt bad because Harry turned down an invitation to go out because of me. Going clubbing wasn’t really what I wanted to do with my night but I saw it as an opportunity to go push him into another girl’s arms. Oh wow, the idea made me want to cry rivers. It was going to be alot harder than I thought it would be…

“Harry! We can go clubbing with the guys, you know? I don’t mind! ” I said with a big convincing smile. Harry turned to me with an unsure look on his face, like he was doubting me.

“Are you sure? I mean, we don’t have to go if you really don’t want to? ” He said, with a sweet smile on his lips.

“No, we should go! We’ll have fun! ” I lied. I really didn’t want to go but I felt bad for keeping him from going so, I just lied. Harry smiled and started to talk with Louis again. I yawned and made my way out of the bed as Harry finally hung up.

“Can we go downstairs and eat something, please!? ” I said, with a big smile on my face. Damn, I was an amazing actress. All I really wanted to do was to be with him, kiss him and be safe in his arms but I couldn’t. I had to do everything in my power to make him forget about me.

“Yeah, sure but erm… Skye, what about what just happened..? ” He said, shyly looking down at his feet. I felt like I was about to pass out. All I wanted to say is that I just wanted to be with him but no. I had to be strong. I had to lie.

“Oh, we were in bed and I was sad! We just got caught up in the moment. It was nothing. ” I breathed, smiling a little. Like, it was the most casual thing to say.

“It meant… nothing? ” Harry whispered, his eyes full of sorrow and disappointment. I never felt more heartbroken than in that moment. This is why I needed to be far away from him. All I did was to hurt him all the time.

“C’mon, let’s go eat something! I’m starving! ” I cheerfully said as I grabbed his hand and led him out of his bedroom.

My head was spinning a little. I wanted to cry. I can’t believe I did that to him. It broke my heart to do it but I had to… These kisses we shared meant alot to me but I had to lie. I had to do everything I possibly could so he would finally let me go. It’s the only way we’ll both be happy in the end.

I got rid of these sad thoughts out of my head and tried to focus on the plans I now had for tonight. I was going clubbing with the boys. As much as I would prefer to stay home and cry myself to sleep… I had to go out and pretend everything’s okay when it’s really not. And besides, what’s the worst that could happen?

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