Save Me part one

 I'm not like most 13 year olds.
I've had an okay life, I lost my dad to suicide this year January 7th. I also dealt with getting made fun of up until the beginning of seventh grade... But through that I changed my self so much. 5th grade I was goth, 6th grade was a prep, and 7th grade I was vintage. I only changed because I didn't want anymore hurt.
I was always underestimated for being unintelligent, even though I was a straight A student. I felt as if I was different from everybody else, and they would always try to put them selves in my place and relate too me, and if they tried I'd be mad because they can't and they're we're trying to make me feel better and I hate sympathy. Sympathy is fake. I was always getting flirted with, but never had a guy actually call me beautiful, it was always hot or sexy, which isn't exactly a insult, but I'm only 13. It would make me feel scared, I felt in danger and I wish my Dad was there to protect me...

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1. Source of true happiness


I was always underestimated for being unintelligent, even though I was a straight A student. I felt as if I was different from everybody else, and they would always try to put them selves in my place and relate too me, and if they tried I'd be mad because they can't and they're we're trying to make me feel better and I hate sympathy. Sympathy is fake.
I started listening to a band One Direction, they changed all that, at least some of the time. I would still sometimes Stair in the mirror and think of all of the reasons why I'm useless just to watch my hazel eyes change to blue. My hazel eyes were the only thing I admired about my self, the fact they change colors amazed me. But I would look at the rest of me and start crying. I have olive skin tone and long brown hair, small lips, and a button nose, but their was one other thing, I was fat.
I was 5'6 and weighed 140 LBS. 
People who weighed more than me, just seemed to look thin, but my fat went to my hips and my butt. I always felt ugly no matter what, people would tell me I'm gorgeous... I know they were lying to make me feel better... It's obvious. 
I started listening to more of one directions music, and watching video diaries, eventually became a BIG TIME directioner. 
The boys would make me laugh, there music would turn my day completely around. I always tweeted them, hoping in a tweet back, sure I could tell them about my dad and they may follow me, but that's wrong. I wasn't gonna use my dads death as an ascus to meet the boys or to get them to follow me, after all people do have worst lives than me. I had to remember that quote yesterday as I look in the medicine cabinet. I have a great life, but something was telling me to end it, I couldn't. I know I would just be going straight to hell anyway because I prayed to god to send my soul to hell as long as he send my family to heaven. I put all medicine away and listened to a YouTube video of Niall laughing and realized I started singing its gotta be you. I laughed as I caught my self in the act, I wanted to meet this boy... He is the only thing that makes me happy.
It's not like I want a relationship with him, it's just that video of him laughing made me realize he is the cause of all my happiness. I started to cry in realization that I will never meet him. 
Why did the guys in one direction feel 
So unrealistic, all other guys are jerks, by these five made me feel like the only girl in the world. 
I eventually decided in my mind that I don't want to meet them, just on the note that I would either make a fool or a ass of my self trying to be cool.   

Complete end of part one
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