Passion '2 (15+)

"Remember when I promised to love you forever?"

"Yes?"

"Forever isn't over yet."

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37. Thinking back

I pulled the sweatshirt he had left for me, in his room on, and took a fast look in the mirror. Lie. I didn't look beautiful at all, and he had told me that I did. I sighed, and could feel the familiar sting of sadness. I looked away, and tried to ignore the girl in the mirror. She had been staring back at me, with wide open brown eyes, red cheeks, and messy hair. I didn't like her right now. 

So I decided to crawl into the bed I had shared with Zayn the same night. The duvet was hotter now, and I felt relief when I tucked myself in, and curled my little body together to a ball. My feet were still freezing, so I made them rub against each other, until they got a bit hotter, and felt close to okay. I was staring out in the air in front of me, letting my eyes stay on Zayn's empty pillow. I tried to picture him there. Tried to imagine the way his eyes would look right through mine, like they saw into my soul. 

That was a thing I remembered his look had made me believe, back when we were together. I had always felt like he read me like an open book. Like I never had to try to make him understand, he always did... Or usually he did. We didn't agree that much back in time. We fought over the silliest things, but we did love each other. And every time he had made me upset, the way the read me, was the way he came back later, after he had cooled down, and told me how terribly sorry he was. And I'd always forgive him, even after that time when he broke up with me, and I ended up in a chaos that hadn't been a part of my plan. 

I was lying on the soft mattress, thinking back on the summer 2012, when I had been hopelessly in love with a three years older popstar. I remembered all the good things, and the all the bad things. But no matter how bad the bad things were, I liked to think back on them. Cause they had made me who I was today, which maybe wasn't such a good person, but it was too late to change that. 

I remembered our late night skinny dipping. Our long talks when I couldn't sleep. Our laughs. My tears, and his as well. Our silly small 'I love you more' fights. And then our real fights. Our promises. 

And when we said; Forever & Always. 

I remembered everything from the time when I'd been his, and he'd been mine. 
I'd been so real, and felt so right. And back then I really did believe that we had been forever and always, but now when six years had gone, he was back. Just as flawless as last time. 

But this time... We were not meant to be. We were not right together. We were wrong. 
Which wasn't supposed to make me upset, but when I thought about it, I still couldn't help but grab tightly onto his pillow, and pull it close to me, while hiding my face in it, breathing the smell of him in. I missed our time together so much. It almost made me cry. My eyes turned wetter, and I fought hard against the tears. I didn't want him to know. Zayn couldn't know what I thought about. 

But he maybe did know. After last night... 

I hugged the pillow even tighter, and squeezed my eyes shut. 

I could hear the door handle being pressed down, and soon I could hear footsteps, and a plate being placed close to me. Probably on the nightstand closest to me. 

"Em?" A soft voice asked, and some tough but gentle fingers moved some of my hair away from my face. "Are you alright?" He asked, and sounded worried. It killed me. He shouldn't worry about me in any way. He shouldn't even care, cause it would hurt him badly in the end, and me as well. 
I just nodded, but was still hiding my face in his pillow. His smell was all over the room, the pillow, the bed. Everything. And it made me wanna crawl down a deep black whole, and never come up again. I knew I couldn't have him again, and I wanted James more than him, that's why I wondered how it could hurt this much, when I realized that the past was the past. 

"Babe?" He asked again, and had surly not believed me. I just shook my head. 

I could feel the bed move a little, and soon the duvet got lifted, and I wailed a little when the cold air touched my skin. I was only wearing his grey sweatshirt, and a pair of white undies, that I had brought with me. Then the duvet fell down over me, but this time I could feel a pair of arms pulling me close to a hot body, and I kept my eyes shut. The smell of Zayn had gotten even stronger, and I could feel myself wanting to stay here forever. In his arms. 

"Do you wanna talk about it?" He asked, "Or is it just the hangover?" 

I just wanna lie here forever. I mumbled inside of my head, and snuggled closer to him. 

I could feel something being pressed down in my hair, and could hear the sound of a kiss. He had kissed my hair, just like he used to. Whole my body was screaming, not only my mind and heart. Every single fibre of my being. 

"Please don't go," I whispered. 

"I'm not leaving," He said, and spoke softly. "Wanna sleep?" 

I just nod. I was tried, and after all it was still night, so no wonders why I was so exhausted. 

 

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