Passion '2 (15+)

"Remember when I promised to love you forever?"

"Yes?"

"Forever isn't over yet."

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88. Not your fault

Never had I ever imagined to find Zayn so vulnerable and exposed. It made me see a side of him that he had been trying to hide desperately for a long time. All the pain and confusion that he had bottled up inside overflowed. He finally broke, and I knew exactly why. I wanted to hold him even closer. I wanted to melt together with him, and let him see how much he meant to me. I wanted him to be alright, but he wasn't and if I didn't get the mess we were in straightened out he wouldn't be anytime soon. I hated myself for hurting him, and I even hated myself more for being in a place where I had the power to hurt him. He never should have let me close enough to do that.

 

 

I put my bag on the brown table, slid my jacket off and hang it over the backrest of the chair. Then I slowly sat down in front of James. My heart was beating fast making me nervous. I didn't want to be nervous, but I was and I didn't know how not to be. "Emily," He started out, and flashed me a smile. A beautiful calm smile. I forced a smile back, and folded my hands in front of me on the table. My mind was spinning, but I tried desperately to hide the fact that I felt terribly unsure, not only about this meeting, but about everything, and what I was going to say. 

"We need to to talk," We both said at the same time.

"Sorry, you first-" James mumbled, and sat back in his chair. "No-no, you start... I don't even know what to say right now, so you start!" I fast said, and leaned a little closer to him. He took a deep breath and sat up straight again. After a moment of silence, he finally spoke up, taking be greatly by surprise. "I'm sorry, Emily. I'm so sorry that I left you. I should've known better, and I shouldn't have left you when you needed me. I really want to work this out, cause I still believe that what we had is alive... It can't be gone," He left me somehow speechless. It was not what I had been about to say, or what I had expected him to say. I opened my mouth but couldn't find the courage to speak. No words escaped my lips. His eyes wandered down to my folded hands and his forehead wrinkled sightly. "The ring..." He whispered, and slowly turned to look up at me. "You're not wearing it," The pain in his voice was hardly bearable. It was too much for me to handle so many people's pain in one day. I couldn't take the fact that I was the source of their pain. Zayn's and his. Two people who meant very much to me. "Please don't tell me that it's too late. I don't believe you if you say so, cause we both know how happy you were. How happy we were," He almost sounded as if he was begging me to feel the same, like he knew that the feelings were one sided. 

"I am the one who should say sorry, James. I'm sorry for hurting you and for acting like I did. It was immature. I know that what we had was something I used to enjoy very much, but I need you to listen now, and don't interrupt me - okay?" 

He slowly nodded and tried to keep calm, but I knew him too well and could tell that he was terrified of what I'd might say. A part of him didn't even want to hear it, I knew that, but I needed to end what I had started. I had to make sure that this would be the last time I hurt James or Zayn. The last time... Cause there was going to be pain in a few minutes, I couldn't stop that, but I had to be honest... After all he was still a friend, and I wanted him to be happy. 

 

It's time you have the talk.

Give your reasons.

 

"I've been thinking about this lately. I feel like I need to be honest with you, James." I started out, forcing my shaking hands to grab tighter onto each other. His eyes widened slightly. 

"After you left I stayed at Harry's place-"

"Harry?" He asked, and swallowed hard. 

I breathed in deeply, "One of my closest guy friends." Well, I had never seen him like that, but maybe that was the truth. Maybe Harry was one of the few people that I trusted the most. One of the few that I knew would stand up for me, though we didn't speak that much. He had after all been there for me before. 

 

Say it's not his fault.

But you just met somebody new...

 

He nodded, and gave me sign to keep going. And I did. It was hard for me to find courage to tell him, but when I started it came floating like a river... It became easier. "Please don't second guess anything I say now. None of this is your fault, James. I wan't you to believe that. But after you left I stayed with Harry, since I had ended things with Zayn. I didn't intend of seeing anyone of you again, knowing that I had messed up. But somehow Zayn wouldn't fade from my life," 

James slowly shut his eyes, and leaned back in the chair. 

 

Tell him not to get upset, 

second guessing everything you've said and done.

 

"I want you to know that I am staying with Zayn. I know that we were happy, so unbelievable perfect, but things change. I somehow managed to throw everything we had out and I'm quite convinced that what we had won't come back. If we tried I'm sure we could work things out, but it's too late now. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for ruining what we had spent years on building."

He nodded again, in that silent slightly visible way. Though his eyes were closed I could tell how strongly he fought against the tears. "I don't want you to get upset," I whispered. 

But he was upset. He was broken, and he had not expected to hear this. After a few minutes of silence, he slowly opened up his tear filled eyes, and looked at me, "Do you love him?"

I bit my lower lip. Did I love Zayn? Yes, I did. Was I ready to admit it? No, I wasn't. "It's just different with Za-"

"I've got it, Emily. I understand. He is everything I'm not," He mumbled. 

"No, James. It's not like tha-"

"Don't. Just don't. I just want you to be happy, and if you're happy with him, then I won't ruin it for you. I just want you to remember that no matter what, I love you. So fucking much," He sounded frustrated and upset. 

"I never meant to hurt anyone," I mumbled, and let my eyes wander down to my intwined fingers. "Maybe you should've thought about that a little earlier," He muttered, and stood up. My eyes flew up to him. He was leaving. He was leaving with tears in his eyes, and nothing but empty broken promises. "James," I begged him, not knowing why. I just didn't want him to leave like this. I wanted things to be fine between us. Like before we fell in love. I wanted him to be my friend, cause after all I still needed him, just not like I had used to. 

He looked down at me, making eye contact. "I'm sorry that I wasn't enough for you," 

I swallowed. He had been. Once. But things had changed. 

"Is there anything else you wanna say?" He asked, after he had slid his coat on. 

I nodded, and said "This will probably not make sense right now. But James, the only way your heart will mend is when you learn to love again. And I am so sorry that I ruined this. That I have to be the one to..." 

"I know. But I better get going, before..." He stopped before he finished he sentence. "Before I... Yeah. I'll see you around, okay?" 

I nodded. 

"I'm not giving up on you. Not this easy. Keep that in mind," Was the last thing he said, before left me alone at the little table on the café. Before he left me alone with a head that was close to exploding. I hid my face in my hands, trying to block the frustration out of my mind. I wanted to feel relieved, and I had... Until he said that he wouldn't give up on me. I wanted him to. I wanted to fix all of this, and Zayn would never trust me if James still was in my life. I wanted to be someone he could trust. I wanted him to know that I'd never do to him, what I did to James. 

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