Passion '2 (15+)

"Remember when I promised to love you forever?"

"Yes?"

"Forever isn't over yet."

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54. I don't love him

 

It didn't take more than to ask him. He had been fine by having me, actually he had looked forward to it - that's what he had said. 

 

"Are you sure that Zayn can't know?" Harry asked, for the third time under the dinner. We were sitting on his living room floor, eating McDonalds. I was sitting with my 'Happy Meal' box in my lap, and he sat with his large menu. I found it hard to answer, now that I just had filled my mouth with french fries. He just watched me, patiently. I chewed faster, to make the silence shorter. When I finally could swallow the fries, I took a large sip of my coke, and then I looked up at him again. "What were you saying?" I asked, and leaned my head a bit to the side. I knew exactly what he had said, and the answer was; Yes! I am sure. He can't know.   

But Harry was not fine with me answering him once, he was stubborn. Like I remembered him. "I was asking why Zayn can't know," He said. Lie. He had been asking if I was sure that Zayn couldn't know I was here. "Because... You already know," I mumbled, and turned to look down in the Happy Meal box. "Not really, I mean... Why didn't you call him? Not that I don't appreciate you calling me! You're great and I like havi-" While he was talking, I looked up from the fries in the bottom of the box, and smiled at him, "Because I don't want him to be a booty call," I said. Harry's eyes widened, "A... Booty call?" He asked. I just shrugged my shoulders, "I didn't want him to feel like I only wanted to stay there, because I needed to. I think I made it very clear that I wouldn't come back... And I won't, Haz. I won't." I sounded more sure than I felt. I would try to stay away from the invisible force that wad dragging me closer to him. I just had to get my life under control, and then my carriere, and after that... Maybe I could think of love, but it wouldn't be him. Not at that time, I didn't think so. 
"But you're here?" He asked, and his eyes were still filled with confusedness  "You're my friend. I like you... a lot, and I needed you. I'm forever thankful that you would let me stay," I said straight forward. He nodded, "But can I ask you something?"

"Sure?" I mumbled, and dug my hand down in the box, to grab some fries. Harry watched me for some seconds, even when I put the fries in my mouth, and when I was done chewing them, he spoke; "Why didn't you stay with Zayn?" 
I was almost about to spit out the food, when he asked, but swallowed fast instead. "Why do you even have to ask?" I muttered. "Because I know how you feel for Zayn," He sounded way too sure. I didn't like that, "I don't think so," I crossed my arms across my chest. 
"Emily, don't even try to convince me into thinking that you don't love Za-" 
When I cut him off, my voice was raised, but not in an angry way, in a desperate way, "But I don't!".
To hear myself say the words, to admit to myself that I didn't love him, didn't seem real. I wished I didn't... But deep down inside, I would always love him. Maybe not like I used to, but after all he was the first person I fell so madly in love with. "He loves you... You know that. Why don't you stop lying to yourself, about your feelings?" Harry did the same as me, crossed his arms across his chest. 
I didn't even want to take the conversation, so I decided to stand up, and change the topic. "Would you mind if I showered?" I asked, and held the almost empty Happy Meal box in my arms. Harry smirked at me, "Not at all, but you should invite Zayn..." He laughed. I stuck my tongue out, "Shut up! That's not even funny!" I hissed, but the smile that was growing on my lips wasn't convincing. Actually what Harry had said, was stupid, and it wasn't funny. But I could actually use a shower, with Zayn. Still I wouldn't admit it to myself. 

I didn't love him. 

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