Angel

When you have lost all the persons you can trust.
When the loss have changed your whole world and leaved you with a big black hole in your chest.
When it has leaved you as another person.
Then you find out how little life is worth.

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2. The change

It all started when my mother got sick. She had been sick for a long time, but no one had known it.  We didn’t discover the illness before it was too late to do anything about it. The cancer was in her whole body. She was hospitalized for two months. In those two months I was not myself. And I would never be that again.

People tried to help me. My boyfriend told me he loved me, and would support me no matter what. But his empty words meant nothing to me.

 My best friends tried to talk with me about it, and tell me that it would be all right, and that they always would be there for me. But I realized they couldn’t help. It wouldn’t help anything to talk about it. And it doesn’t matter if they said they would be there for me or not, they couldn’t make my mother fit. No one could that. Not even the doctors. They tried anything, all kinds of treatment and medicine, but nothing could safe her.

When my mother died I realized that we are all going to die one time. No matter what choices we make, or how much success we have in our life, we’ll all be the same at last. Dead and forgotten. And all the things that used to be an important part of my life, suddenly felt so meaningless to me. All the things that used to mean a lot to me were suddenly just indifferent. I didn’t care about looking good, earning money, or doing well at school. Didn’t care about parties, friends, boyfriends or popularity. I didn’t care about being nice or helpful. Didn’t care about if anyone loved me. Nothing mattered to me anymore. I felt nothing. 

The girls I used to call my friends thought I was getting strange. They couldn’t understand why I didn’t wanted to go to parties any more, or why I didn’t like shopping trips and girl-sleepovers and stupid Hollywood-movies anymore. It all felt so superficial. I weren’t together with them unless they asked me and I couldn’t find an excuse. Over time, they stopped asking me, and stopped talking to me at all.  I didn’t miss them.

My boyfriend told me one day, that he thought I had changed, I wasn’t the same person as I was before, and it didn’t seems like I wanted to talk with him, or be together with him anymore. He said he couldn’t be together with me when I was like that.

I loved my boyfriend one time, but at that point I felt nothing but anger. He didn’t break my heart, cause I had no heart to break, but still a terrible anger fell my whole body. At first I said nothing. He looked at me as he waited for a reaction, but I think the reaction I gave him was not the one he had expected.

“Get out of my life!” I shouted.

My boyfriend stepped backwards. He had a scared look in his eyes, just like he was afraid of me. No one had ever been afraid of me before. He turned around and run away. Away from me, and away from my life.

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