Why I love you

My obsession with FRERARD (MCR) now continues with fanfiction :)
Warning on explicit material.


20. What I really am

Frank’s POV

“Mikey, wait please! Wait…”

I had been running after him for, I don’t know how long. I knew I couldn’t keep up with him for much longer. He didn’t seem to be able to run anymore either but some force seemed to drive him on. People stared at us as we ran past them. I didn’t know where we were, some park, little kids were everywhere and disapproving mothers looked at us as we ran past them. I ran forward suddenly, grabbing Mikey to make him stop and face me.

He had stopped crying, his face screwed up from running and his breath short. He tried to pull away from me but didn’t seem to have the energy to do so. Mikey’s face was raw red from running and it seemed that the running was the only thing that had kept him from crying. He burst into fresh tears, the droplets now seemed too familiar on his face, I couldn’t remember seeing his face without them. I had to wipe my eyes before trying to speak to him, I didn’t want to start crying when I was explaining, he had to know I still cared, I did still care about him. Just not like I used too. Another lie! I was lying to myself now… I had used him to get back at Gee. And Mikey knew it.

“Mikes….I’ll never stop loving you, okay?”

He just squirmed away from me as I tried to push his face towards me.

“I do love Gee too. You need to know that I’ve always loved him. Never stopped. But I still feel something for you too Mikey. I just don’t know how to explain that.”

Mikey just looked at me, his face was blank, his eyes moist from tears. He didn’t understand yet. How could I make him understand?

“Frank. I stopped loving you when you said Gerard’s name that night.”

His sentence froze me and my heart skipped a beat. I deserved everything I was going to get. I did love him just not like that. He was lying. I could tell. I remembered when Gee hit me. I remembered how badly I had tried to turn off my love for him. How badly I had failed. You can’t turn off love like that. His eyes told me a different story.

“Listen, Mikes. I know this is reall-“

Mikey stopped me, his hand covering my mouth for a second before he quickly pulled it back. His eyes held my gaze and he shook his head slowly at me.

“No, Frank. You listen now!”

I stayed silent, not looking at him. I deserved everything that I got.

“You hurt Gee. Even when he hit you, it was a mistake and you could have forgiven him. You knew he didn’t mean it! You could have forgiven him, if you really loved him, you could have done that … But no, you think the best thing to do is get with his brother!”

I tried to speak but Mikey’s hand grasped my jaw, holding it shut. He positioned my head up to look into his eyes and I could see pure anger there. Anger at me. People were staring at us but it didn’t matter, I had hurt Mikey, I deserved to get hurt too.

“I thought you loved me. I thought you really loved you like I loved you. You were my crush. My first crush. My first love. My first …”

I winced as he sobbed. He was a virgin before he met me. Something I had taken away from him. I didn’t try to speak, knowing nothing could make this any better.

“So you used me. I can get over that, even. You used me, Frank. We could even overlook that. But then you crawl back to Gee. He’s just had surgery. He’s hurt badly by you! He’s vulnerable and he needed people around him he can trust, that he knows for sure will be there for him, no matter what! You are not one of those people!”

I wanted to object but I knew he was right, even though it hurt, I tried to face the truth. Gerard was better off without me.

“I bet you weren’t even going to tell him, tell him what you did to me. I bet that didn’t even cross your pathetic mind!”

With the anger still on his face, in his eyes, he shoved me to the ground. For a second as I shrunk into the ground and he rose to his full height, I saw my dad after he got drunk. My dad stood there and it was time to get what I deserve, what I was owed.

“Because that’s what you are, Frank! You’re pathetic. That’s why Gee hit you that time. He saw you for what you really are. For the first time in I don’t know how long, someone saw you how I see you now! For the pathetic nobody that you are…”

I wanted to look away from him but he held my gaze with his fierce eyes. Was he going to hit me? Not that I didn’t need to hit. I needed to be reminded of what I was and Mikey could do that for me. If he felt the same after he’d beaten me then I would leave him and Gee alone for good. It’s what they deserved and what I deserved would be coming soon I was sure, as Mikey stepped once more towards me.

“No wonder your father hits you…”

It was whispered, his face ducked towards mine. His face was no longer angry but calm and a smirk crossed his face.  That only made it worse. I broke down into sobs and just before my eyes clouded over, I saw Mikey purse his lips and spit on my crumbling form before walking away. No one tried to help me. I was alone now. They could all finally see me for what I really was.

“No wonder your father hits you…”

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