Why I love you

My obsession with FRERARD (MCR) now continues with fanfiction :)
Warning on explicit material.


9. No matter what

Gerard’s POV

“Don’t you ever do that again, okay?!”

The shrill voice was startling in pitch and volume and could have made every brave man go running so God knew what it was doing to my baby brother Mikey. I sat on the sofa, feet up, channel hopping after a long day at school. It had been about a week since Ray had introduced me to his friends, well my friends now, I could say. I ate with them at lunch, hung out with them at break and had found out that at least one of them was in every single lesson I had! Which was great, I always had someone to talk to. I liked having friends, loved it even! Ray was great and me and Bob were now great friends, he could always make me laugh, even when I was thinking about Frank, he could pull me through a depressing mood. Alisha still worried me at little, she sometimes had a mad look in her eye and when she looked like that, you knew to keep back a few steps. Nevertheless, I loved them all and school had become a lot easier. My Mum was delighted I had friends and had got me to invite Ray round a few days ago after school. She fussed for a bit but I didn’t mind. I and Mum would never be as close as her and Mikey were. The relationship had been heavily dented after me telling her I was gay, she didn’t react very well. But I could see she was trying and that’s what mattered.

Anyway, to start with I and Ray just sort of sat in my room a little awkward but then he suggested we play on Mikey’s X-box; that was fun. He beat me at every game but it didn’t matter. I then asked him shyly if he would play me something on guitar (he had had a lesson that day at school so had him case with him). He smiled and instantly grabbed it, playing me song after song. I felt like a groupie at a concert watching my favourite singer as he threw himself around my room, throwing himself to the floor as he released riff after riff of pure soul. His hands worked up and down the neck, his fingers only pausing on the strings for a second as he played note after note, breaking my heart and fusing it back together at every dip and sway in the music. When he had finished, my eyes had streamed tears at the beauty that had just filled my room. I smiled at the memory of Ray’s eyes meeting mine. He instantly understood that I wasn’t really upset and his face mirrored with the same wondrous expression as my face probably did; almost seeming astonished that he could play something like that. I wasn’t surprised in the slightest.

“Mum, just fuck off, okay? FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!” The shout made me jump up and run into the hallway, where I just caught Mikey’s back disappearing up the stairs. Mum just stood shocked with an open mouth, staring after him.

“What did you say to him?”

She must have said something pretty bad to get that kind of response off Mikey. He was always so calm and composed, always seeming to know exactly what to do or say in any situation. As Mum seemed incapable of speech, I went after Mikey instead, pausing at his door to listen inside. Heart wrenching sobs came from within and I opened the door, shutting it quickly, not wanting Mum to hear. Mikey didn’t even glance up as I made my way over to his bed. He was curled up in the foetal position, arms protecting him, hugging his knees to his chest.

“Mikes,” my whisper made him flinch and hug himself harder. I flopped down on the bed beside him and stroked his hair gently, waiting for him to come to me. He continued sobbing before eventually his cries turned to hiccups. He lifted his head up and placed it onto my lap, allowing me to pull him up and hold him against me. I stroked his tear drenched face and whispered into his ear.

“Whatever is it, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I just want you to know I love you, okay?”

He nodded into my shoulder.

“I lo-ov-ov-e you t-oo,” he spoke quietly, out of breath from crying. We stayed in that position for a bit, me nuzzling into his hair and rubbing his back. Mikey had been a bit distant this week. While I had been with his friends, he had kept away. When I had asked him why he said he had been with Frank. I felt a horrible surge of jealousy but only smiled at Mikey, glad at least that someone was paying Frank some attention. We didn’t talk about Frank at lunch because I guessed they thought it would upset me; they were probably right. But I had walked in once on Ray and Alisha, speaking quietly. Alisha had said she had tried calling by his house after school but had got no reply. He was ignoring them around school, probably because they were hanging out with me. That hurt a lot. Ray had started talking about Mikey when I had gone into the den and the conversation had instantly stopped. It made me feel horrible that they didn’t feel like they could talk about Frank in front of me. I hadn’t thought about him a lot recently, my cutting had even stopped for a bit. With friends, I felt almost complete. Almost … Only Frank could make me whole again. And he had made himself quite clear about how he felt about me.

Mikey shifted against my chest, reminding me that once again I needed to stop putting my problems first and start paying him some attention. I pulled away from him, releasing a sigh from him as our bodies separated. He flopped down onto his bed, making his fringe fall into his eyes but not seeming to care. I rested my hand on his shoulder, squeezing it gently.

“Why was Mum mad at you?”

Mikey just shrugged.

“Something about me coming in late…”

I glanced out the window and was surprised to see it was now dark outside. Now that I thought about it, Mikey had been out a lot this past week, something he wouldn’t normally do. He would sometime go to Ray’s or Bob’s but would always let Mum know where he was.

“Can you tell me why you were upset?” I didn’t want to ask but I knew that as his big brother, I should at least let him know I was up to talking about it if he wanted. He shrugged again before sitting up, leaning against his wall. He kept his eyes on a spot on the bed as he spoke.

“I’m just a little confused I guess…”

I frowned.

“What about?”

He seemed to consider the question, maybe wondering how to answer me. Something in my head clicked. Out late and not hanging out with his friends, supposedly seeing Frank.

“Are you seeing someone?”

He flinched at the question and I was about to apologize for asking when his cheeks started to turn a dark shade of crimson.

“You are, aren’t you?”

I grinned as his fringe fell more fully into his face, hiding his eyes from me. He folded his arms over his chest.

“Hey, sorry for asking. You know it’s okay if you are!”

Mikey just shrugged again, the action was starting to annoy me. I wanted to ask more questions but decided against it. I simply raised his chin with my hand, stroking his cheek as my eyes found his.

“Remember, I love you no matter what,” the words had never been more true and I let them the meaning of the words shine through my eyes. He smiled at me, his eyes showing love and trust, which made me glow with pride.

“I love you too, Gee!”

He unfolded his arms and came in for a hug, squeezing me tightly, like he never wanted to let me go.

“Who it is, do I know him?”

He shook his head. I didn’t know if he was lying or not because I couldn’t see his face.

“Is that who you’ve been seeing at school? You know at lunch and stuff?”

I felt him tense up a bit but he nodded slightly.

“Gee, there’s something I want to tell you. And you’re not gonna like it, okay?”

I thought of all the worst possible scenarios of things he could tell me, my mind racing. I nodded and he let me go, his face looking at me fully for one of the first times that night.

“I…” A ringtone sounded from his pocket and he snatched his mobile up quickly, seeming thankful of a distraction. His fingers slid across the keyboard and his smile lit up in a smile.

“Is that him?”

I couldn’t help myself breaking into a smile, remembering Mikey’s happy face as he received the message.

“What….” Mikey frowned, “No, Its Ray. He wants to know, if we want to come over tomorrow night to sleep over! What do you think?”

I grinned at him. My first proper sleepover!

“Of course, sounds great!”

Mikey’s fingers began tapping away again.

“What did you want to tell me, Mikes?”

He bit his lip and blushed again.

“Do you mind if I tell you some other time? I have a lot of homework to do!”

I smiled at him.

“Sure! If you’re sure it can wait?”

He nodded, waving me away as he crossed his room to his school bag.

“You can talk to me whenever you want, alright?”

He nodded, hardly hearing.

“Oh and Mikey…”

He turned back to face me as I called from his door.

“I hope he makes you as happy as Frank made me!”

I turned away before he could react, shutting the door behind me.

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