Why I love you

My obsession with FRERARD (MCR) now continues with fanfiction :)
Warning on explicit material.


24. It's over

Gerard’s POV


“How did this happen, Mikey?”

Frank looked so calm and peaceful, an expression which didn’t match his black and blue face. He sighed in his sleep when I spoke and smiled. I wanted to cry. But I was resisting for Mikey and for Frank too. We were told he might wake up soon. Earlier, he’d been given a lot of medication to help him with the pain. He’d broken his arm and several ribs but other than that, was okay. That’s what the doctor had said. Mikey said Frank had fallen out a window, that they had been fighting and Frank had just not looked where he was going and tripped. Though it sounded like something clumsy Frank might do, it also made Mikey sound really guilty. I had watched the doctor give him a look as had some of the nurses but he’d said nothing. Mikey had stopped crying now but you could see how cut up he was about everything. He still loved Frank and how could he not. I loved him, more than Mikey I thought but there was no way to be sure. I had been a prick to Mikey, lusting over Frank when Frank had obviously hurt my brother badly. Now was a bad time to ask but at some point I would have to know what Frankie had done to my brother. I guess I was just afraid that it would change my feelings for him. And yet as I glanced down at my beautiful fallen angel, as much as I loved Mikey, I didn’t believe that he could actually hurt anyone.

“I don’t know if I should-“Mikey began, looking up into my eyes and stopping when he saw my hard expression.

He sighed and rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand. He looked stressed and I really wanted to tell him to go home and sleep. Not that he would but he had spent enough time here by my hospital bed. He didn’t need it again. Mum was still waiting outside Frank’s room. She had delicately suggested that Mikey go home too but she hadn’t received an answer. She had turned to me as if to speak but just shook her head. Despite the fact just a few hours ago I would have given anything to leave my small white room, nothing could tear me away from Frank when he needed me. Because I had already decided that even if Mikey and Frank were together that Frankie would still need me. As I had needed him. He had stayed with me and I would stay with him, for as long as it takes.

“It was his dad.”

Mikey’s voice broke me from my thoughts and his eyes were sad as he glared at me from the other side of Frank’s bed.

“His dad?”

My face must have shown shock because Mikey, though he didn’t seem to want to, carried on talking, glancing occasionally at the sleeping Frank. Maybe he was worried that Frank would overhear him but what could be so bad that Frank hadn’t already told me already?

“Gee, Frank’s dad beats him.”

I froze and had to remind myself to breathe. Frank’s dad beat him. I burst into tears when I thought of how I had hit him. How I, the one person who had made him feel safe in the world, had gone and done what he probably got all the time at home. My Frank. He breathed out and smiled again in his sleep. I covered my mouth to try and stop the cries but they came anyway. Mikey was quickly round the bed and holding me, cradling me in his arms, like I had always tried to do for him. He held me tight and I sobbed into his chest, his shirt still sticky with blood, Frank’s blood. I choked on the scent. Suddenly I was drowning, drowning in Frank’s blood. I saw his body mangled on the floor as his dad hit him again and again. I remembered Frank’s shocked face when he had seen my cuts. I was so horrible and fucking selfish. He had probably thought ‘what the fuck’s wrong with his life?’ I had hurt myself while Frank had held me, pressing me against his bruises, stopping me crying while he had felt like crying himself. I pulled away from Mikey ashamed at myself for being such a horrible person.

“How long, Mikey?”

I didn’t take my eyes off the floor. His hand came and stroked my back softly, small whimpers still escaping me as I asked him the question which seemed so important.

“Ever since his Mum left I think…”

I felt another punch to my heart as I let myself take this in. Frank’s Mum had left?

“When did his Mum leave?”

“When he was little.”

I didn’t know what to do. I had more questions but I’m not sure my heart could take it. I wanted to open my mouth to speak but knew no words would come. I looked up at Mikey, my eyes glistening with tears and nodded for him to go on. Mikey seemed to understand and carried on rubbing my back in circles as he spoke.

“His Mum left and then his Dad started drinking. He used to hit him. And now his Dad basically stays away leaving Frank on his own most of the time. But sometimes his Dad does come back. And-“

“And he hurts him!”

Mikey refused to meet my eyes, just nodding slightly when I looked up. I looked back at Frank, who now looked much less calm, almost of the verge of waking up. But I still needed to talk to Mikey; I wanted to know more before I had to be brave for Frank. I wanted to know what I needed to protect Frank from; nothing would ever hurt him again. I would never let his Dad touch him again.

“Why…Why didn’t he tell me, Mikey?”

I now turned to my brother who looked uncomfortable. His hand fell away from my back and he moved back to his seat away from me.

“He didn’t wanna worry you, Gee. He knew you had your own stuff to deal with.”

I just nodded, still staring at Mikey. My little brother didn’t know about me cutting though he’d probably seen the scars through my thin hospital gown. Not that attempting suicide isn’t a huge pointer that his brother had some issues! Still this was a new section of my life and I knew that I could never hurt myself again after seeing Frank the way he was, someone had done that to him, he wasn’t so pathetic as to hurt himself! Besides, my problems now seemed tiny compared to the battered boy lying in front of me.

“I love him, Mikes. More than anything! I know it probably hurts you to hear it because I know that you probably love him too!”

I let Mikey figure out what to say as I glanced down at Frank who was now still and breathing softly, once again in deep sleep.

“I do love him, Gee. But I know now that he doesn’t feel the same about me. I want you both to be happy together, I really do!”

I smiled at my brother and grabbed his hand, clutching it tightly.

“There’s just something I need to tell you. I don’t want to but I don’t know if Frank can see your heart broken again by him. He won’t tell you but I feel like you need to know.”

I carried on looking at him, my eyes searching his face.

“I just want you to know that whatever he’s done, he loves you and he didn’t mean it. It was my stupid fault. I want you to know I’m doing this because I love you and I guess I don’t want him to hurt you. But Frank’s a good person, Gee. I promise you I’m not doing this out of spite, okay? I’m doing this for Frank and you, so you can be together with no secrets!”

I watched my brother as he looked back at me. His eyes were full of tears and he was shaking slightly. His face had paled and his grip on my hand had tightened. I stroked his cheek. Suddenly I wondered what Frank had done to him. I remembered looking down at Frank and thinking that he could never do any harm, I could never not love him. My hand caught one of Mikey’s tears as it rolled down his cheek. The boy I loved wouldn’t do this to my brother. Frank couldn’t hurt anyone. Or could he? He had hurt me. And now Mikey. I daren’t look at Frank now because I felt like even thought the same boy lay before me, I feared now I would see something else when I looked at him, something darker and someone different. Mikey opened his mouth to speak, his lip trembling under my touch and my other hand tightened into a fist. How could Frank do this to my brother?! Mikey’s eyes looked at me before travelling down to Frank.

Mikey gulped and shut his mouth tight, squeezing his lips together and he pulled himself away from my hand, quickly wiping his tears with the back of his own hand. I turned to look down at the bed and saw two eyes looking into mine. Frank just stared at us, his teeth playing with his lip ring. I used to love this, used to think it was cute. He looked so innocent and his black and blue face only made me feel confused. How could I be angry with him when he looked like this? Yet how could I love someone who had hurt my brother? Mikey still sat hunched over in his chair, his arms around himself, refusing to look at me. Frank just looked confused and he looked down at his bed sheets. I followed his gaze and saw my own fist gripping the corner of his bed, my knuckles white and shaking. I pulled my hand back and placed it carefully on my lap, unclenching it and laying it out flat. My other hand joined it and together they sat on my lap. I was concentrating so hard on stopping them shaking with anger that I jumped a little when a voice spoke, breaking the silence.

“Mikey, can I talk to Gerard alone, please?”

Mikey just walked out the room, his arms not letting go of himself and his head still down. I wanted to comfort him but I didn’t know how. How could I fix this? I had a horrible feeling in my gut and an anger like one I had ever felt before. Frank, the one who I had thought I knew so well, had hurt Mikey, maybe to the point where he would never be the same again. And this was the boy that I loved. The door shut behind Mikey leaving me and Frank alone. I couldn’t face him. I didn’t want to hurt Frank. Not when he was like this, he was hurt enough already. Though he would never be as hurt as Mikey, could never feel like Mikey felt now. The burning anger flushed to my cheeks and I knew that if Frank had spoken then that I would have punched him square in the face. I might have regretted it afterwards, I might feel differently afterwards but I knew that whatever Frank had done to Mikey, he needed to pay for. And in that moment, I was the only person in the world who could defend my baby brother. Frank didn’t need defending, he had proven that when he had hurt Mikey. He was quite capable of destroying someone else so why would someone who could do that need defending?

Luckily Frank didn’t speak and just stayed quiet on his bed. I could feel him shift every now and then but was glad he was leaving me alone. Deep inside, I didn’t want to hurt him but I’m not sure if this anger is something I can control any longer.

“Gee, I want you to leave now.”

My fists unclenched themselves and I stopped frowning. In that one sharp sentence, he had washed out every emotion and feeling I thought I had felt about Frank and left me for dead. I was now a clean canvas and I stood there completely free of any feelings. My anger was now gone and I felt raw from the lack of feeling I felt. I searched for anything, for love even, because of course I still loved Frank. The boy who had helped me through my darkest days. Who had waited at my bedside. Who had brought me back from the dead. I loved him, of course I did. But at this moment, I was incapable of love. Incapable of anything. I was numb.

“I can’t hurt you again, Gee. I can’t see you hurt again, it’s not fair. I’ll say the same to Mikey. And Bob and Ray and Alisha. Because all I do is hurt people, Gerard. I don’t try to but I always do it. I love you but I now know that that’s not enough. I know that while it will hurt us both, that us being together is the wrong thing to do. I want you to leave me and not look back. I want you to look after your brother and hang out with your friends. I want a normal life for you, Gee. And you can have that now, without me. You’re free!”

I stared into Frank’s eyes and knew he meant every word, that he believed every word he said. Whatever  I or anyone else thought didn’t matter. I couldn’t think about Mikey. I couldn’t think about anyone else. The boy that glanced back at me was calm and composed. He knew what he was saying and as I looked into the pools of light and goodness that were his eyes, I knew then that while life would never be the same without Frank in it, that life could carry on. The sacrifice Frank was making for me was incredible and… And I loved him more then than I ever would. My face was wet with tears as I leaned over and kissed Frank on his forehead. He didn’t react just smiled at me, his eyes clear of tears and his mouth set into his grin.  I turned from the doorway where I now stood and blew him a kiss.

“I love you, Frankie.”

“I love you too, Gee.”

And with that I turned away. I burst into sobs and just sunk onto the floor outside his room. I could feel Mikey holding me in the distance but it didn’t matter. I didn’t know what I felt except that I still felt numb. I was stared to search beneath the numbness because I thought I would die from the pain that I would discover there. So I just stayed on the floor and cried.

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