Why I love you

My obsession with FRERARD (MCR) now continues with fanfiction :)
Warning on explicit material.

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17. Death

Gerard’s POV

The darkness. I looked for shapes in the black that surrounded me, looked for signs that heaven was in the distant, a sign that time was passing. There was nothing. Nothing but the never ending darkness. I couldn’t move my head to look around me but I wasn’t tied down. I couldn’t look down at my body but I knew what would be there if I did, nothing. I looked for a light, a light to guide me out of this place. Maybe a smiling face of an angel or just a face, anything. Even the face of the devil would be some form of comfort now. I imagined Mikey holding my hand to comfort me, imagined my Mother stroking my cheek maybe. But in this cold place, imagining things like that was impossible. I was alone here with my words and my thoughts. My words. Did I have words? I was dead but did that mean that I couldn’t call out? Maybe someone was trying to find me in this never-ending black fog. All I had to do was speak out. But the fog seemed menacing, the silence needing to go on forever or … Or what? What would happen? Maybe it would collapse in on itself consuming me and every other life form here too. At this moment in time I don’t think I care at all. I just need to stop this from happening. The space around me was smothering me, making me choke. I had wished for death, not this, not this. I wondered if I was crying but I don’t think you could cry here. Wherever here was. It wasn’t heaven. My Grandma went to heaven. I guess I had sort of wished I would join her. It wasn’t even hell. This was worse than hell.

I had decided to speak. To scream out to the darkness. I was here. Come and help me please! When an angel spoke, my angel spoke out to me. The one person in the world who could make this all okay.

“Hey, Gee, baby. Can you hear me?”

Just the sound of his voice made me relax and my breathing calmed. I wanted to reply to him but what would I say? What could I say that would be of any meaning to this angel. His voice was the voice that had chosen to guide me to heaven, to my heaven, forever with Frank. Maybe Mikey and Mum too. I would finally be happy. I know now that I have made the right decision to leave that cruel world behind.

“I love you, okay? You’re not leaving me like this!”

I love you too Frank. More than anything. But what did the angel mean, leave him? I wasn’t going to leave him. I was afraid that he would leave me in this dark place forever, when all I wanted was to be with Frank forever.

I heard the voice say something else but wasn’t concentrating as I felt a sudden jerk to my world. Even the darkness seemed to falter and if anything become darker. I could feel a grip on my hand, something pulling me down. I fought against the grip, trying to get free but it held me hard and pulled me down. I opened my mouth to scream but found that the fog surrounding me was no longer fog but murky black water. The water was in my hair and I tried desperately to get it out of my mouth and nose. I choked on it and tried to spit it out but still that grip was pulling me down, trying to drown me. Suddenly I didn’t want to die. I wanted to be alive. I wanted to be back with Mikey, Mum but most of all Frankie. I wanted him to hold me like he used to. Like he would never let me go.

The darkness gave way to another color, a white color. Maybe I was in heaven now. And that was okay. I was out of that place. And the grip was gone. No. No, it wasn’t gone. It still held my hand, gripping it fiercely, even in heaven that iron grip remained forever burning into my skin. Forever wrenching me away from my happiness. Even in death.

I pulled my hand away from the grip only to find that my hand slipped easily away. I looked around, surprised I could now turn my head. I turned it violently, screaming at the pain I felt when I moved it.

“Gee, stop please! You’ll hurt yourself. Here I’ll move okay! So you can see me!”

The voice made me start to cry and as the figure of Mikey bobbed in front of the white bed covers that I had been staring so hard at, I began to sob. He held me there and we cried together, arms around each other, he held me like he would never let me go.

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