Why I love you

My obsession with FRERARD (MCR) now continues with fanfiction :)
Warning on explicit material.


7. Bros before Hoes

Gerard POV:

I had never been this happy. I’d had double maths this morning and would usually just drift off, drawing in my art book and flying far away from here leaving behind the dark, adolescent stinking classroom. I would usually be with Frank and I would be sketching him as he lay for me, posing so that my pencil could trace his hip bones delicately and easily as he lay still watching me. I loved having such a vivid imagination; I think it’s what got me through the days at this hell of a school. I was sitting in the classroom when a thin boy with a birds nest of hair, even more so than mine, plonked into the seat which always remained empty beside me. Ray grinned at me before registering the shock on my face.

“Oh, I can move if you want?” He blushed a little, “It’s just because Bob’s got the dentist this morning. And I thought …”

I put my hand up to stop him speaking and he cringed away from it, as if I was going to hit him. My face must have screwed up then because Ray put his hand up to squeeze mine. Frank hadn’t cringed like that because he hadn’t thought I was capable of hitting him, of hurting him. Well he was wrong. Not caring that people were watching us, he gripped me into a hug and stroked my hair whispering in my ear.

“I know you would never hit me, Gerard.”

I blinked back the tears, hardly hearing him. I bet that’s what Frank had thought too. We stayed like that though his hair was starting to make me cough and his arms were making me uncomfortable when the teacher came in. He released me and was going to get up and move to another seat when my hand came out to stop him. Whether on purpose or not this time he didn’t flinch, I was grateful for that, and I pulled him back down to the seat. He smiled at me and put his feet up on the desk, relaxing. I tried not to care that his trainer sat on top of my Maths book. The lesson dragged after that, time slow without the release of my steady hand marking the pages of my jotter but I could hardly draw and ignore Ray all lesson. The lesson was dull but yet it was still comfortable to have someone next to me, in silence or not. We didn’t have to speak, he knew I was still hurting badly over Frank so was happy just to leave me be and in a way, I was glad of the silence.

When two hours had passed, my Maths book still untouched, Ray walked with me out of the door and embraced me in an awkward hug again.

“You’ll all be okay, Gee,” his hair suffocating me once again, “You’ll see.” I felt close to tears again. I liked having a friend. But I would still swap it again in a heartbeat for Frank. I hadn’t seen him yet today and I was afraid to look for him because I didn’t want to see the hard mask of hate which would greet me. Yet it was no more than I deserved.

“Ray, I’m not that good with the hugging thing, okay?” He instantly let go of me and I was afraid I’d hurt his feelings when he flashed me a killer smile.

“That’s cool. I’m not into hugs anyway, it just says a lot more than words, don’t you think?”

I nodded in agreement. I loved hugging Frank because he was so little, I loved holding him and the feeling of him leaning against me and clinging to me like I was his life support made me feel … It was indescribable.

“Well … Nice sitting with you, I guess?” I was unsure about what to do now, so turned to go. I liked a spot underneath an oak tree round the back of the school. No one really knew about it so I was alone to draw. I hadn’t even taken Frank to my special place, it was just for me.

“Wait!” Ray’s voice startled my thoughts. He looked a bit embarrassed but carried on anyway.

“You could … I mean … You could come eat with us this lunch if you wanted.”

I tried to keep my face calm but my insides were screaming at me. No, I would fuck it up, just like I did everything else. No, Ray and Bob and even Mikey would finally realise what a freak I was and any chance of me having friends would be gone just like that. No, Frank might be there and I wasn’t yet to see him yet. I wasn’t ready to accept that it was over.

“Yeah, sure.”

Wait, had I said that?! I must have done because Ray smiled at me and guided me by the hand along the corridors to the back courts where they hung out. I started to panic. What did I say? What did I do? I know Mikey and Ray, but what if there were other people there?! I looked down at my jeans and hoddie, suddenly wishing I was wearing something else, that I was someone else. Ray had let go of my hand and was now walking in front, showing me the way. He looked back and moved to keep in time with me. He looked at me questioningly but I could tell from his stance that he seemed to think at any moment I would turn and run. That’s how I felt anyway.

“Maybe this was a bad idea,” I looked pleadingly at Ray as his face smoothed out from his creased brow as he had been watching me, into his usual smile.

“It’ll be fine,” he grinned, “We don’t have loads of us. Like its Mikey, me, Bob, Alisha and Fra...” He stopped himself, obviously just remembering that Frank would be there too.

“Oh yeah,” he muttered, looking at me for a second, a frown back on his face.

I bowed my head. I was the cause of lots of people’s problems at the minute. Ray, Mikey, Frank…

“It’ll be okay, remember?” He spoke reminding of what he had said a few minutes ago. I tried to smile at him but quickly thought of my teeth on show. He knew I was a loner, that I was sad and depressed, but did he have to know I was ugly too?! No, I wasn’t ugly. That’s what Frank tells me and I believe him. Well, told me. We reached the basketball courts and I scanned them quickly, looking for someone I knew. Just the jocks, showing off for the sluts as they giggled watching them, reapplying their make up in their tiny little compact mirrors. I looked back down at my feet. Trying to be friendly was going to be hard enough, doing so with a black eye would be near impossible. I had a friend in Ray now but that didn’t mean that I was no longer a target.

Ray guided me across the courts and behind them to a small forested area that I didn’t know existed.

“Where…” Ray hushed me with a look before parting some leaves on a low branched tree to reveal a small den. A handful of cushions lay on the ground and the long grass covered this place from sight.

“This is cool,” I remarked. Cooler than my special place, anyway.

“We like it,” spoke a giggly voice from a corner that I hadn’t looked in. Alisha, a short girl with black and pink dip dyed hair, laying sprawled on the ground, one eye bud in as she lazily watched us from her position on the grass. I had never really spoken to her before but she smiled at me, kindly as Ray approached her.

“Sit up, you slut! We can see right up your skirt!” Ray spoke with a smile, playfully putting his foot on her stomach. She shoved him off and sat up, smoothing out her skirt self-consciously.

“Of course, we have company,” her white teeth flashed at me as she made a semi-bow.

I just stood awkwardly, not sure how to react. Ray gestured to a cushion next to him, patting it obviously. I breathed out and slumped on the ground, feeling better now I didn’t have to concentrate on not tripping over my own feet. Alisha looked at me sideways, still smiling. God, she must think I’m so weird.

“Gerard, right?” Alisha spoke up, her eyes finding mine, glittering.

I nodded, not speaking still. Thankfully I was saved from anymore conversation as Mikey and Bob entered, Bob’s face unusually puffy. Mikey hardly had time to register me before Alisha had leapt on him, her legs around his waist. Her lips pushed against his and he struggled to stand up with her full weight on him. I frowned. Hadn’t he just come out to me as gay? Mikey threw her off and spat into the grass.

“Yuck. Err, Alisha!” He squealed at her as she rolled around on the grass laughing. Everyone was grinning and laughing as Mikey gagged and Alisha’s skirt rode up to her stomach, giving us all a full view of her knickers.

“I’m just kidding, Gerard,” Alisha spoke to me, after spotting my unsure expression. Mikey looked to me and grinned uneasily.

“He’s as gay as a picnic basket! Just checking,” The comment made everyone laugh, even Mikey. Once they’d stopped, I opened my mouth for the first time to speak.

“I know,” I spoke quietly. As his brother, I ought to know, right? Mikey looked a little anxious, probably worried that I would mind him telling his friends he was gay before me. But I didn’t anyway; he had nothing to be nervous about. I flashed him a small smile to show this and he smiled back at me.

“Oh!” Alisha grinned mischievously, “have you two had a thing?!”

Everyone suddenly burst out laughing. Mikey’s mouth opened and I could feel my face blushing scarlet. How did she not know we were brothers?! Err, that was disgusting! Alisha just sat there, frowning at everyone as they laughed.

“What?” She spoke, innocently.

“We’re sort of brothers!” I spoke out quietly, embarrassed and feeling their eyes on me, making it worse.

“Oh! You don’t look alike. Mikey, why didn’t you say anything?!”

“Just assumed you knew. Everyone else did,” Mikey smiled as he spoke, avoiding eye contact with me, the same way I was to him; it was just too gross a thought!

“You would have just made Ray and Bob jealous anyway!” A smile crept across my face as I watched the two named victims blush and look at their feet. The laughing carried on for longer this time. It was infectious and soon I was laughing too, my self consciousness suddenly forgotten.

“Are you guys like a thing, then?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No! It’s just Alisha’s stupid joke!” Ray spoke furiously, glaring at Alisha to shut up. Bob just looked embarrassed and spat out a piece of cotton wool he had had in his mouth from the dentist, I guess.

“Why you got something against gays?” Alisha questioned suddenly, making everyone turn to me.

“Of course, he doesn’t! He’s with Frank, right?” Bob spoke, suddenly looking at me worriedly and obviously thinking better than to say anything else.


The voice made me jump and turn towards the mouth of the den, where a small angry boy stood glaring at Bob. Frank’s eyes were red and puffy as if he had been crying. I badly wanted to soothe his eyes, closing them and kissing them shut. He didn’t even glance in my direction as he stared at his friends. He turned on his heel and left, steam seemingly rising from his ears as he stomped away. It felt like it was a piece of my heart he was standing on with every step he took. We sat in silence for a moment before someone spoke.

“Maybe someone should…” Ray began.

“I’ll go!” Mikey was on his feet and was after Frank before anyone could answer. He left, leaving silence behind him as I continued to stare at the space where Frank had been. Had been.

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