Why I love you

My obsession with FRERARD (MCR) now continues with fanfiction :)
Warning on explicit material.

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29. Blood

Frank’s POV

The image before me caused me to hold my breath. Even with Gerard, the way he was, I knew part of me still loved the boy in front of me. I loved him so much. Everything had happened so quickly. He had found out that I had used Mikey. He was angry, he hated me, he was going to give me what I deserved, what I needed reminding of. And I loved him for it, loved that he was defending Mikey. And loved that he had finally made me realise what I had done. Because now I felt I understood, I looked at Gerard and saw parts of Mikey there, in his face and in his words. It was as if Mikey was giving me what I deserved, what he was too kind to give me. He hadn’t hit me that time in the park, hadn’t needed to. I thought I had understood the hurt I had caused him then, thought I had felt what he had felt. But no, I needed the person I loved, the one person I felt the most love for in this world, the person who could never truly hurt me, I needed Gerard to hate me. And as soon as he had entered that room, I knew that he did. Truly hate me. He wanted me hurt and in pain and he wanted to do it. I knew this had been coming a long time, knew that I deserved it. Yet as Gee had raised his fist, I couldn’t stop that small piece of hope from leaving me. Leaving my eyes. Gerard hated me, nothing else mattered. I gave out one last sob and I felt a tear run down my check, its destination unknown and undecided as it dripped off my face. I felt the air around me move as Gerard’s fist came towards me, the first of many and I welcomed the touch of Gerard’s hand, I welcomed the pain and hoped he would help put me out of my misery once and for all.

“Gerard, don’t you fucking dare!”

I didn’t realise until the voice spoke that I had closed my eyes, the image of Gee too much to take. The voice sounded clear and loud, though it was also clearly a voice from behind the door. The voice of Mikey. It seemed almost unfair that Mikey should have to be the one to save me. Not that I wanted saving. I wanted to be here with Gerard forever, whether he wanted to hurt me or whether he hated me, at least he was thinking about me. At least he was doing this partly out of love, he loved me so much that he had to show me my true self. My true self was a horrible creature that hurt others for the simple joy of it, it played with the tears and heartbreaks of others in order to get by. It needed others hate in order to get through the day. My true self was truly unlovable.

It was then I noticed that no fist had come to greet me. I opened one eye to see Gerard standing there, his expression confused as his fist was raised towards me, inches from my face. His eyes were broken and the scar of his neck stood out, making him seem so much more vulnerable than he had before. I wanted Gerard to be back how he had been, wanted Gerard angry again, wanted his hatred. I didn’t want to see him like this. He looked hurt and heart broken, like he couldn’t believe what he had just done. I didn’t want him like this. He didn’t need to be sorry of anything expect that he hadn’t delivered the hurt he had promised me. But we could try again, he could hit me, he needed to hit me. I had to make him see this was the right to do. I had to make him know that I wanted this, I needed to be shown true pain so that I would never hurt anyone again, I was afraid of what would happen if he didn’t hit me. I would carry on as I was, carry on not caring who I hurt. I needed this.

But the broken look on Gerard’s face told me, he was sorry, told me he wanted to hug me, not hurt me. He told me that I didn’t deserve this, when I did. Mikey knew it, Gerard knew it, I knew it. I stared at his cupped hand, begging it to reel back and finish its journey, needing the sharp pain as it hit me. Needing it, wanting it. Gerard looked ready to speak, ready to tell me what I didn’t want to hear, that he was sorry when a loud bang came from the door.

I jumped and saw out of the corner of my eye, the others now trying to break down the door after finding the lock was stuck. Gerard jumped too and dropped his fist, making me give out another sob, and turned sharply towards the door. He let out a scream of pain as his hand went to his neck. I saw that the sharp move of his head had pulled open a section of his stitches. His face crumbled in pain and my heart leapt in my chest. No, I was supposed to be in pain, not him, this was wrong, so wrong! I jumped to my feet as I saw Gerard start to sway, his legs already starting to give way under him. I used my good arm to grab him by the shoulders and guide him to a chair. I harshly shoved him down into the plastic chair and pushed his head between his knees. He was about to faint and that would be dangerous with the loss of blood from his neck too. Though a majority of the stitches seemed to be okay, meaning only a small trickle of blood ran from his neck to his face. He squirmed underneath my hand, trying to sit up.

“No, you have to stay like this or you’ll faint. And if you faint then the blood loss will be more dangerous!”

He stopped moving, his head down and his body relaxing in the chair. His breathing was loud and fast.

“Concentrate on your breathing. In, out, in, out,” I repeated the phrase so as to give him a way of knowing how to breathe.

He needed to concentrate if he wasn’t going to faint. I looked over at the door to see the others still desperately trying to open the door. I saw Mikey’s worried face looking in and saw shock as he spotted Gerard in the chair. He saw the blood and started to shout louder at Bob, who was trying to break the door down, with no such luck. I now saw that some other pupils and a teacher were now gathered at the door, their mouths open at the sight they saw. I sighed, not enjoying the audience and looked back at Gerard, who seemed to have got his breathing under control. Soon, I would need to lift him up as I was worried about how the blood was affecting him.

“Frank…”

A whisper came from him and I hushed him. He needed to concentrate on-

“How do you…Know all this stuff?”

I breathed out a little. At least he hadn’t tried to apologise. I didn’t think I was ready for the apologise Gerard’s eyes had wanted to give me.

“Oh…My Mum’s a nurse. That’s how I knew how to help you when…”

I left the end blank, not sure what to say. I carefully pulled Gerard up in his chair, slowly and watching him carefully for signs of discomfort. He seemed okay though, lolling his head to one side to look at me where I crouched next to him. I reached up to wipe the trail of blood from his cheek and his hand came up to meet mine, clutching it to his cheek. Our eyes meet and I saw Gerard again, my Gerard. And I really did still love him.

“Frankie, I know about your Mum…And your Dad.”

I breathed out sharply. Mikey had told him. Well what had I expected really? They were both so close and after I sent Gerard away, Mikey was probably ready to tell him anything to make him feel better. In a way I was glad he knew because it was so much easier than having to explain it to him.

“Don’t be angry with Mikey.”

His words confused me until I realised I was frowning deeply. I shook my head, smiling a little at him. He didn’t smile back, but why should he? He was probably just trying to keep the hatred he felt off his face. After all he needed me to help him now, that was it. He hadn’t forgiven me and the love I felt for him could probably never be matched with his like it had been.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

I straightened up in my chair, moving my eyes away from his but still not letting go of his face, not that I had a choice, his hand was still gripping mine fiercely. He didn’t try to pull away.

“You had your own stuff to worry about.”

I gave a small glance at his wrist and he let go of my hand, making me sigh sadly, longing for his touch. He pulled up the sleeve of his jacket to show up the scars there. He didn’t seem to care that there were people stood close to the door who might be able to see them. The scars were there but they were less red and irritated. They looked a lot better than they had done. He gave me a sincere look.

“I’ve stopped!”

He looked so happy but still refused to smile at me. I felt tears shimmer in my eyes but didn’t look at him. I couldn’t let him know how I felt, couldn’t cope with my feelings being known to him.

“That’s great, Gee!”

We shared a look and he saw my tears, reaching out to wipe them away. His touch made me shiver and he made a sound which sounded like a giggle.

“Why did you stop? If you don’t mind me-“

“Because of you!”

This made me stop. I gave him a confused look and he rolled his eyes playfully making me smile.

“When I saw…What your dad had done. I realised how selfish it was to hurt myself. When someone had hurt you the way they had. It was horribly selfish!”

I just shook my head at him.

You were selfish? No, what was selfish was leaving you, Gee. I shouldn’t have left you the first time and I shouldn’t have sent you away either!”

I was trying to get him to understand but his face just stayed blank. He probably couldn’t concentrate with the blood but I carried on anyway.

“I thought I was doing the right thing. But I know now that I was being selfish. I couldn’t face telling you what I’d done to Mikey. I didn’t do because it was the right thing to do. I did because I was selfish!”

It was Gee’s turn to shake his head.

“No, Frankie! You left because I hit you, no other reason. You sent me away because you thought it was the right thing to do. You could never to selfish!”

I didn’t believe him but figured I was fighting a losing battle so stayed quiet.

He seemed to remember that his hand was still on my face from when he had wiped my tears away and withdrew it, blushing. I lusted for his touch but didn’t try to move to hold his hand. We stayed quiet, only listening to the now occasional attempt to open the door, it seemed not to be so urgent seeing as neither of us was now trying to kill the other one.

“What now, Frank?”

I paused at the question.

“Well, I guess once they get this door open, we’ll have to-“

“You know what I mean!”

My heart fluttered in my chest and my cheeks turned pink. I know what I wanted to say but couldn’t say it for fear of rejection and I couldn’t be rejected again. But if Gee had asked me, didn’t that mean he wanted something to happen? Maybe he wanted me too. No! Why would he want me after all I’d done. I caught my eyes with his and his hand found mine, his fingers clasping mine. I wanted him to smile but his face still stayed blank. Had I made him lose his smile? That nice grin he had had in the hospital when I had been to see him? I supposed I had. And while it was a horrible thing to do, while it was selfish, I knew one thing which might make his smile come back. Me.

“Well…I know what I want. But…not what you want.”

“And what do you want, Frank?”

I knew the answer straight away but let a smile spread over my face. He still didn’t smile but I knew he could read me like a book.

“Gerard, I want you!”

His face lit up in a smile and I savoured the warmth I felt from it. I didn’t have much time to feel its warmth though because suddenly his lips were on mine and his tongue was requesting entrance into my mouth.  I let him search my mouth before feeling my way over his, my tongue stroking the roof of his mouth making him shiver. He bit my lip slightly making me shiver too and he giggled out the side of his mouth at me. I pulled away from him, receiving a small grunt but he looked into my eyes and I saw love in them, I saw love. And I hoped he could see the same in mine. He giggled as my fingers found his hair and played with it, twirling strands around my fingers. We just shared this moment, this perfect moment before everyone could spoil it. My fingers stroked his hair, right down to the ends. Suddenly I felt warmth on my fingers and looked down to see the blood, that’s when reality hit me. I pressed my lips lightly to his as if to show him what I would much rather to doing. He giggled again, a beautiful sound as I freed my fingers from his bird’s nest of a haircut and entwined his hand with mine. He got up from his chair and so did I. I sighed and turned to the door. It took just a turn of the look on our side of the door to open, leaving Bob looking put out as he stroked his shoulder, which was probably sore from all the door shoving. All at once, they seemed to look down at our clutching hands and they all smiled at us. Mikey looked happiest of all and winked at Gerard, making him go a lovely red colour, one that I’m sure was mirrored on my face.

“We need to get to the hospital,” I spoke to a teacher who had spotted Gee’s neck and ran off to call an ambulance.

Gee sighed and touched his neck, making him wince.

“Don’t touch it!”

He looked alarmed at my raised voice, pulling his hand from his neck.

“Sorry, I just-“

He silenced me with a kiss, making me moan when he pulled away, my lips longing for his touch.

“I know,” he whispered, his smile perfect on his face.

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