Why I love you

My obsession with FRERARD (MCR) now continues with fanfiction :)
Warning on explicit material.

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25. A losing fight

Frank’s POV

I had done the right thing. To hurt Gerard again would have been worse than this. If I had told him the truth then he would have had to deal with his emotions with me and with Mikey. He would have had to battle with his love for me and his new hatred of me too. I had already felt this once before when he had hit me. But then there was Mikey and he could never get away from Mikey. It wasn’t his fault that he lived in the same house and now shared the same friends with Mikey. It wasn’t his fault that I had betrayed him, with his brother. So with all Gee would have had to deal with, this was easier. Gerard was fragile, his suicide attempt had proved that. I couldn’t be with him now, not with a betrayal over us. Not with Mikey always one step behind us. Not that I could blame Mikey for any of this. It was all down to me. I had cheated on the love of my life while he was in hospital with his own brother. It was sick and perverse; it was the lowest of lows. And yet it was Gee’s cries I could hear echoing the corridors outside my room when it should be mine. I should be the one cursing myself, hurting inside and begging him for forgiveness. Yet I was the one who had finally sunk the dagger in so deep into Gee’s chest that he could make those kind of pained animal like noises. It felt like they had been going on for hours yet it couldn’t have been more than a few minutes. I could hear the sound of feet coming running, could hear peoples voices trying to calm him. Probably his Mum, maybe Mikey too.

But I had done the right thing. Gee could get over this. This was the worse possible time I could have done this. Gerard had committed suicide, his neck was still wrapped in bandages. But was else could I do? Lead him on some more? Wait for him to get better, for his confidence to build up, for his scar to lose that raw red edge to it so I could what… Crush him some more? Pull him back down with me forever maybe? No, this way he could have his Mum and his brother already ready to catch him. He could have my friends and they would sort out anyone who dared upset Gee. The way that I never could do. I would miss him, I would miss Mikey. I would feel the pain of being without them every single day. But it was for the best and I couldn’t keep being selfish like I always had done. Selfishly leaving Gerard, sure he’d hit me but he had been broken already, he needed me and I had let him down. Selfishly using Mikey, who had just come out to his brother about being gay, who was fragile and hurting over Gee. I might have had some feelings for Mikey but my feelings for Gerard were stronger and always would be. Later on, I would have to think about what I was going to do now. Without my friends. Without Mikey. Without Gee.

My Dad might come back to finish me off at some point. Good luck to him, I had nothing left to live for anymore. I could even end it myself. But no, not after Gee. I couldn’t hurt him when there was a small chance he might feel guilty for my death. After Gee’s attempt I couldn’t hurt him. Severing all connections with him was a step in the right direction but that didn’t mean that he wouldn’t still be affected if I tried to kill myself.

The sounds had stopped from the corridors, leaving a deadly silence in their wake. I couldn’t hear anything, no footsteps, no voices. No sign of any life whatsoever. I was here alone in my thoughts and I knew that these horrible pitiful thoughts alone could end me. Just like I wanted, those thoughts could eat me up from the inside and leave me an empty shell. I could live like that, I could survive like that. Without Gee, I was empty.

The door opened but I didn’t move to face the person that had entered there. I could hear heavy breathing and footsteps starting towards my bed but I didn’t move. I just stayed still, my face looking out the window, tensed to try and defend myself against whoever was stomping towards me. Whoever it was, was probably angry, I tend to do that to people. Make them cry or make them angry. I had done both to Gee…

“What did you say to him, Frank?”

The voice was a little shaky but you could tell Mikey was trying to control some of the anger he felt. As far as he was concerned I had hurt an already fragile Gerard and broke him into a million pieces, again. But he couldn’t see, he didn’t know that this was for the best. A hand grabbed my shoulder and turned me to face him. I tried to mask the twinge of pain I felt from my arm but didn’t quite manage it, causing Mikey’s hand to release me. I could tell he wanted to apologise but seemed to stop himself, breathing deeply. The problem was he was just too kind. He had come to find me after my Dad had hurt me when he should have just left me to die.

“Frank! I want an answer! You’ve hurt him again…”

The last sentence should have been strong but his voice broke, releasing new tears of hurt from his eyes. The face, eyes leaking, cheeks wet and his eyelashes coated with droplets of water. A face I knew all too well on Mikey.

“I’m doing this for him, Mikey. You have to understand.”

Mikey’s face twitched and he looked into my eyes, causing me to flinch at the raw anger that lay there. Anger I was all too used too.

“For him? He’s broken, he’s hurt and you’ve done this. He’s just tried to kill himself, you arsehole! Don’t you think you’ve fucked his life up enough already!”

I had to catch my breath on this part. No I was doing this for Gerard. This was the right thing to do! It was!

“I have fucked his life up. Which is why I need to let him go! He can have a better life without me, Mikes. So can you! You can leave now and forget me!”

Mikey wasn’t going to just accept it like Gerard had. He was ready to fight but I didn’t feel like this was a fight I was going to win. Mikey still looked angry but some of it had faded away, his expression troubled and his shoulders drooped slightly.

“Did you even tell him? About us?”

I bit my lip hard, feeling a droplet of blood to run down my chin, probably staining the white covers but not caring.

“I couldn’t. He would have been more hurt if I had. He would hav-“

I stopped as Mikey’s hand reached up and grabbed under my chin. He didn’t do it hard but the fast action caused me to jump and stop talking. He must have seen the fear in my eyes but he carried on gripping my face in his hand.

“I’m not going to hurt you, Frankie…” He said, his voice quiet and his face still.

I didn’t really believe him but I tried to breathe steadily and stop my hands from shaking.

“But you need to understand something now. What you have done is selfish!”

I wanted to speak out but I let him finish what he had to say first. He stopped to breathe out and he released my chin, cupping my cheek in his hand, stroking the surface.

“You didn’t tell him because you don’t want to admit what you’ve done is wrong. You didn’t want Gee to walk out on you!”

I sniffed. No he had got it wrong. This wasn’t selfish, this was the right thing to do. But if this was true then why were my eyes filling up with tears and why was my lip trembling?

“You have to go now, Mikey. Before … Before I hurt you again!”

Mikey just shook his head at me and leaning closer until he spoke into my ear.

“You could have let Gerard know. He would have been hurt and so would you. But eventually he would have picked himself up. He would most likely have left you, Frankie. He would have left you behind and he would have been free of you forever. But now he’s hurt in a worse way because he doesn’t even know why you’ve done this to him.”

He spoke the words quietly yet each word he said was like a punch in the stomach. I knew he was right but some part of me still tried to cling onto the fact I wasn’t selfish. I had done the right thing!

“Go, Mikey! I’ll break you like I did Gee! I’ll hurt you again! I’ll use you again!”

Even screaming the words at him didn’t make him move from near my shoulder. He didn’t even flinch. Tears streamed from my eyes and my heart pounded against my chest. Mikey had moved closer and the weight of him was hurting my already broken ribs.

“You won’t hurt me, Frank. And you know why?”

I shook my head into his shoulder, his hair covering my face; it was soft and felt comforting.

“Because you’re a good person!”

I burst into a fresh stream of tears. My chest hurt, my heart thumping against my ribs causing painful bursts of heat to race through my body. My arm was bent sideways uncomfortably in its sling. Mikey held me as I sobbed and I tried to push him away from me because even though I longed for someone to care about me, this was too dangerous. I would hurt him. The way I always hurt the people I was close too. But he just held me harder, causing my ribs to scream in pain. Yet in the end I relaxed into him and pulled my own arms around him. I cried for Gerard. I cried tears of self-pity at my own selfishness. I had hurt Gerard again!

I thought of poor Mikey. I had used him, hurt his brother and yet he was still here. I wanted him to leave me but knew I wasn’t strong enough to survive without him. I needed him. This was one fight I would have to lose.

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