I'm Sorry I Can't Be Perfect

Title from Simple Plan song. Anyway, I wrote this a little while ago, and looking back I don't even know why. Heavy involvement of eating disorders! And therefore could be triggering. Anyway. May delete this. Maaaaan

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4. Chapter 4

 

“I don’t know whether I’m mad or just sad. I’m most definitely sad. You’re ruining your body, and there’s nothing I can do to help you. I’m mad at myself for not helping you and noticing earlier. I’m not mad at you, because I knew what you were doing; but still there was nothing I could do to help you out of this wreck. You just look so vulnerable, so frail, especially when you’re crouching over in the bathroom. Can you imagine if it were me doing this?”

 

“I couldn’t bear it, I’d be terrified.”

 

“Imagine if I threw up all my food.”

 

“Stop it, Jared.”

 

“Imagine if I weighed ninety two point four pounds.”

 

“No...”

 

“Imagine if-“

 

Stop it!” I screamed, falling back down on the bed. I sobbed hard into the clean pillows. I felt Jared lean back and then I felt him trace the little bumps in my spine through my shirt.

 

“Can you imagine what it’s like for me?” he whispered in my ear.

 

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.” My voice was muffled.

 

“I know you didn’t. But honey, it’s beyond your control now. It’s not just hurting you, it’s hurting all the people around you. And the only thing you can do to stop that, is stop this yourself.”

 

“I know, I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t apologise. That’ll only make you feel worse. But you know what? I am going to help you. We’re going to get you through this, however long it takes. I love you Kayleigh, I just want you to be happy.”

 

“Thank you, Jar.”

 

“You’re welcome, sweetie. So, our first prerogative is to get you eating again. What’s your favourite food of all time?” he beamed at me.

 

“Uh... I don’t know.”

 

“C’mon, even I know this. You used to love sushi. Vegetarian sushi. Remember that time when we went to that restaurant? And you couldn’t choose what you wanted, because it all looked so nice.”

 

“I remember that. I suppose sushi is my favourite.”

 

“I’ll make a note of that.”

 

I got up and wiped my eyes dry. “I should really get dressed.” I changed the subject, hoping he wouldn’t notice. He didn’t.

 

He nodded, and I grabbed a shirt and some joggers, clean underwear and a big cuddly jumper; it was freezing out today. I had no idea how he was wearing short sleeves. I turned to look at him. “I’ll be back in a minute.” He rolled over in the bed and snuggled back in to the duvet. Laughing, I headed to the bathroom.

 

I got dressed quickly, deciding I would have a shower tomorrow morning. I brushed my teeth well, and then re-did my ponytail, turning it into a plait with the help of another hair band I found lying on the counter. I washed my face, and didn’t bother with my makeup. I picked up the full laundry basket and left.

 

I entered through the kitchen to find Jared cleaning up the mess I had made. Dropping the laundry basket, I rushed to help him.

 

“I’m sorry, let me help. Here.” I walked over just as he shouted “No!” and promptly stepped in a pile of the broken glass.

 

“Ouch!” I yelled, grabbing my bare foot and pulling the shard out as quickly as possible.

 

“Oh my god, Kay, are you alright? Oh god...” he was panicking, I could tell. He sat me down at the table, and inspected my foot.

 

“It’s okay, Jared. Calm down, I got it out. I’m so stupid, you told me...” I was staring at the base of my foot. It was red, painful, and covered in blood.

 

“Crap, Kayleigh, that’s a lot of blood... I’ve got to get you to the emergency room.” He was already grabbing his keys, wallet and phone, ready to go.

 

“No, Jared, it’s okay. I’ll just get a bandage or something!”

 

“But it might have glass in it still. We’re going.” He picked up my bag because he knew I never went anywhere without it, placed it in my lap and picked me up, bridal style.

 

“Jared!” I exclaimed, wondering how he could carry all this weight. As we passed the bathroom, I stopped him, leaned in and grabbed the hand towel.

 

“What’s that for?” he asked as he pushed the button for the lift.

 

“I don’t want to bleed all over your car!” I explained. We got in the lift, and I pressed for the ground floor. I live on the 10th floor, and I imagined Jared didn’t want to carry me all the way down ten flights of stairs.

 

We got to the bottom and he carefully placed me in the passenger seat of his car, before he walked around and got in the driver’s side. I placed the towel on my foot and we drove away.

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