Finding Kim

Everyone knows me as Kim, it's just that everyone has a different perception of who Kim is...

Kim is working towards her master in microbiology. She is intelligent, attractive and looks forward to her very prospective future. But then someone walks back into her life, just as she is getting over her tortured high school past.

She dreamt of seeking revenge but she soon comes to realise that this girl - the girl who made her teenage years a living hell - has, perhaps, already paid the price...


8. You're Pathetic, Kim, You're Pathetic



It is quite remarkable at how a shower can help one to relax and forget – temporarily – about their problems. The hot water not only pulls the dirt away; it also dissolves the anxiety and depression. When I step out of the shower and wrap a big white towel around me, all the negative thoughts and feelings come crashing into me. As does the draught that instantly leaches away the warmth and happiness.

Ally has changed so much yet I haven't changed much at all - it would be laughable if it weren’t so pathetic. Taking in a deep breath, I stand in front of the full-length mirror and drop my towel. I force myself to look – really look – at my own body. Cringing, I prod my sticky-out ribs covered with a thin layer of ghostly white skin. I tug lightly at my shoulder length free-of-ammonia platinum hair that completely washes me out. Bruise-purple bags hang below my dull grey eyes. Perfect. I can't remember the last time that I slept properly. This can't be me. This can't be me.

Completely taking myself by surprise, I choke on a sob. The reflection that is thrown back at me projects my bewildered eyes. I pull the towel around me.

Mother came to visit me today and the first thing she said was, Oh just look at you! There's nothing on you: you're disgusting and make me sick.”

“My reflection makes me sick,” I mutter under my breath.

“You're pathetic, Kim, you're pathetic!”

“Shut up,” I mean to sound sharp and commanding but my voice is almost as pathetic as my reflection so I try again. “Piss off!”

I fall to my knees. I weave my fingers through my hair and press down on my scalp. For the first time in a very long time, I permit myself to surrender to the sobs. The mirror steams up, concealing my red eyes and tear-streaked cheeks from me. I am safe. No one can see me. No one can ask questions. I am safe.

“I hate myself,” I manage to choke out.

Bitch. Skank. Whore.

This bathroom had, just moments ago, acted as a safe haven to me but the anxiety that a past Kim had felt somehow manages to gain entry. I pull my knees to my chest and rest my forehead on top of them. I try to take deep, cleansing breaths, but the tortured, suicidal thoughts radiating from a sixteen year old Kim hit me.

So sharp and look how it sparkles in the light.

I reach for the razor that sits on the edge of the bath.

Just one cut and all of your problems will disappear.

I look at the blue veins and at how prominent they are... as if they are about to burst.

The blue lines will guide you to learning to forget. Do you want to forget?

No! I drop the razor and flinch when it clangs against the tiled floor. Trembling, I pull myself to my feet and go into the adjacent bedroom. I stare into the mirror above the dresser and the stranger stares right back at me. This is a woman, not a girl. Slowly, I trace my cheekbone with my smallest finger and the stranger does the same. Her cheekbones are so prominent that it cannot possibly be healthy. She is practically a skeleton, the remains of a familiar stranger.

The woman who will evolve into the person she is destined to be. Me.

I throw on the clothes that I had discarded before having a shower. I dig into my jeans pockets. Then I find it: the receipt.


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