Dinosaurs, Aliens, and Pirates, Oh My!

I got bored, asked my friends for a topic, and was suggesting the following ridiculousness. Enjoy!

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1. Screw Stardates

Captain's Log

Stardate... who cares?

I hate reptiles.  Every one of them is a giant toothy pain in my thorax.  First some galactic dignitaries decide that eggs are a delicacy.  If only it stopped there.  Some rich schmuck decide he was only going to eat carnivore eggs.  Another good stopping point.  But no, the pricks kept one-upping each other until we wound up harvesting gigasaur eggs on some backwater planet in the Milky Way.  Ever seen a gigasaur?  Picture a martian chamileopod.  Give it a bigger head, teeny tiny arms, and inflate it to roughly the size of a small starship, and you don't have a bad idea.  We've managed to pick up a good haul of eggs, but at great cost.  That dumb new kid got munched.  The gigasaur ripped off his lower torso, then left the rest for a bunch of raptors to tear apart.  As soon as we get all the necessary eggs in cryo, I am done with this business.  I don't care if I wind up searing flesh lumps in the Bumfuk Belt, this is just not worth the effort.  Hang on... what was that sonic disturbance?  Switching to portable terminal, voice recognition.

 

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Pirates on board!  They've already gotten the yeoman and half the crew.  We need to keep them from getting to the cryo hold or they'll just blow us out of orbit.  Pirates don't destroy what can be sold, even if they lose it.  They can always steal it later.  Gotta get to the meson particle array.  Cut them off, keep more from boarding. Eeep... Did you hear something?  Who goes there? Its just the woodwork.  Cryo's this way. Oh sphincter that was close... tehy nearly found me...  oh no.  The cryo hold...  Gotta [BWEEM]  Yai!  Hold your fire! [BWEEM]  Eeek! [BWEEM] [BWEEM] [KLANG] Gasp... wheeze....  got spotted.  Hit him in the braincase with a pipe...got his glowgun... [CRRRRRRRRAGGAHHGAHGAHGHAHHAHGHHHAAAAAAASSSHSSHHHHSHSHS]

And they just bombed the reactor...  no choice left... gotta run.

 

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Captain's Log

Stardate... not important.

I made it to an escape pod, just as the ship dropped out of orbit...  the gravimetric detonation of the reactor has destroyed the planet's second moon...  the resulting asteroids do not have sufficient velocity to maintain orbit...  It is unlikely that any intelligent life will survive.  Perhaps small mammalians or arthropods, but... the time of reptiles is no more.  I've charted a course that should put me in the Bumfuk belt in only 2 centuries of cryo...   my captaining days are thankfully over.

 

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Civilian's Log

Stardate...  why do I enter this line?

I've arrived in the Bumfuk belt.  My new job in flesh lump rotation is going well.  I might be promoted to the viscosity caramelizer in under three orbits.  I served a lump with fermented dairy on wheat structure to one of the pirates from the event.  I'm not sure he remembers me. Considering what I did to his meal, I hope not. [FLERGH!] Um....  I should conceal myself... quickl-iiich! YOU GOT A DEATH WISH MARTIAN!? Ghlrk.... ghhhheeee..... mralk YOU'LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP!  I'M CHOKING YOU! [WHUMP] [WHUMP] [WHUMP] ... ... ... {SYSTEM MESSAGE; IDLE SENSOR ACTIVATED.  CLOSING LOG FILE.}

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