I Give Up

So my life is a little messed up. I'm 14 years old, my name is Ace Alex and you'll see soon, my life is anything but normal. Family? School? Happiness? I don't understand.

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4. Suicide

            I wake up, not even realizing I fell asleep. I look around in confusion and see the sun rising.  Then I remember that I ran away. My heart begins to race in panic. Finally realizing what I really have done. I ran away from safety. I feel so alone. Images of my sisters’ body, covered in blood run through my mind. I can’t think clearly. I hug my knees, clenching my fists as my heart begins to beat faster and harder, pounding against my ribcage so hard I can feel it.

            I look around and I’m in my sisters’ room. Blood everywhere, on the walls, the floor, the chairs and bed. My sisters body hanging by a rope. Her arms bound and the rope around her wrists. She’s hanging limp and the blood is pooling at her feet. I fall to my knees begging and screaming for her to come back, for her not to be dead.

 

            I snap out of it and I’m crying, my body shaking, soaked in sweat. I want my sister back. I can’t think of anything other than to pain of loss, the feeling of abandonment, feeling so alone. I can feel the physical heartbreak clearly. It feels like my heart shattered into a million pieces and every little piece has a flaming dagger driven through it. I’m crying so hard that I’m barely breathing. See the images of my sister getting killed, running through my mind over and over again. All I want is it to go away. I want all of the pain to leave. I need a way out. I look around fanatically and see my bag. I quickly grab it and spill everything out, throwing the food and other things aside until I see the knives. I grab it and set it against my wrist and just as I’m about to slit through my wrists I hear, “Don’t. Please. I’m begging you, don’t die. I need you. Please don’t leave me.”

            Ignoring the girls’ voice inside my head once more, I slit my wrists, deep. I cry harder as I watch the blood run out of my wrists and onto the ground, soaking my clothes and seeping into the ground. I slowly start to black out and think it’s finally over. I can finally relax.

          

            I see light ahead. Is that a good thing? I’m walking toward the light and I get submerged in it, thinking I’m finally safe, that I can finally be in peace. When I look around I realize that can’t happen. I see my sisters’ room again. I look around and break down crying. I can’t take it anymore. No matter where I go, I can’t get away from this. I see my sister tied to her bed. I run over to and hug her; she’s still alive, just covered in blood. But I didn’t care. I had my sister back. Until I felt a hand grip my neck, another coming around to meet it. The hands of my step father slowly choking me. I look at my sister with pleading eyes. She’s looking back at me and she whispers “Please don’t leave me…”

            “Never Lily…” I manage to choke out just before she passes out.

            I wake with a start, I look around and I’m in a hospital room. I’m lying in a hospital bed; IV’s running into my body and seeing all of the medical equipment. I’m hooked up to a dozen different wires and I start to panic again.  A nurse comes in and tried to calm me down. I ask what happens and she says she’ll send someone in soon to explain and then swiftly walks out.

            I sigh and Look at my wrists, realizing how badly they both hurt. I hear “Idiot. I told you not to.”

            “Shut up voice, I can do what I want, you would have done the same thing if you were-” I stop mid-sentence once I realize a police officer is standing in the doorway listening. He smile and walks in.

            “How are you feeling Ace?” he asks me, pretending like the entire me talking to myself thing didn’t even happen.

            “Fine sir…” I reply hesitantly.

            He takes a quick glance at my wrists and the wires attached to me and says, “Is that so? You seem a little beat up.”

            “A little,” I reply quietly.

            “Wanna tell me why you tried to kill yourself son?”

            “Wanna tell me what happened and what’s gonna happen next sir?” I retaliate.

            He seems surprised that I didn’t simply answer his question but replied, “Well we sent out a search to find you after you ran away. We found you soaked in your own blood but still alive, just unconscious. We got a helicopter out there and got you outta there and we got you back to the hospital before you died. Is that clear enough? Then for what's gonna happen, well we’re gonna send you back to your grandmother and you’re gonna get some help. We’ll have some people set you up with a psychiatrist and everything will be alright.”

            “Thank you sir,” I reply, thinking that no one can help me anyways.

            “You’re welcome Ace, don’t worry, everything will turn out for the best.” He says as he turns to leave.

            “Bye officer…” I say, for some reason having it almost hurt to say goodbye to anyone, even him.

            He looks back at me and smiles and says, “Bye Ace.”

            I sigh softly and realize just how tired I am. It’s probably just the meds, and all the panicking, I think. I let myself slowly drift to sleep.

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