I Give Up

So my life is a little messed up. I'm 14 years old, my name is Ace Alex and you'll see soon, my life is anything but normal. Family? School? Happiness? I don't understand.


12. Not Too Late, Is It?

                I wake up to see the sun streaking into my room through my half opened curtains. I groan and roll back over, hiding under my blankets to try to ignore the sunlight. I sigh softly and close my eyes again, trying to drift off to sleep once more.
                I finally start to drift off to sleep when I hear “Ace I need you.”
                I bolt up and look around. That was Michelle’s voice. Was I once again imagining it? No. This has to stop.
                “Ace please don’t leave me alone. I just want to talk to you.” She whispers quietly.
                I cover my ears with my hands and squeeze my eyes shut. This isn’t real. Michelle’s voice needs to shut up. Why doesn’t it have to be stuck in my head?
                “Ace please pay attention to me. I’m really sorry if I’m annoying you. Just please listen to me.” She says softly.
                “No. Go away. You’re just in my mind.” I say, getting frustrated with myself for hearing her voice in my head.
                I feel a light hand on my shoulder and my eyes fly open as I spin around in bed, looking for the person who touched me. If only I had turned to see someone who was actually there. I lean against my wall and try to breathe.
                It’s all in your head Ace, calm down, I tell myself.
                I recall last night and remember her arms around me and how warm and comforting she felt. She seemed so sincere and honest. Why did I leave..?
                Images of my sister flashed through my mind. The nightmare I had. With remembering this, I feel a stab of pain run through my heart that physically hurt.
                That’s right. I need to do this for my sister. I can’t love Michelle. I can’t talk to her. Lily needs me. This triggers other memories and I suddenly get scared, seeing my sister crying and saying she needed me. I was never there for her… Not when she needed it most. But it’s not too late to do what she wants now is it?

                I slowly get out of bed, groaning a little as I do, not wanting to leave my warm bed. I look down at myself and realize I’m still in my nice clothes I was wearing from last night only now they’re slightly wrinkled. I get up and grab random clean clothes and walk to the bathroom, muttering a halfway understandable good morning to grandma, not waiting for her to reply.
                Waiting for the water to run warm in the bath, I slide my shirt off and look at myself in the mirror. I see all of the scars on me, a few not fully healed. I look straight into my eyes and then let my eyes drift back down to my chest and stomach.
                 All of a sudden, those scars are open, completely open and fresh, gushing blood. The shock is visible on my face as I hear my blood hit the tiled floor. I gasp and set my hand on one of the larger wounds that runs down the center of my chest and stomach. I look down at my hand and realize there’s no blood. I glance down at the floor and it’s perfectly white. I must be going insane.
                I shake my head and finish undressing then step into the shower, trying to forget what I just saw. I sigh as the warm water cascades down my stiff body and I try to let happy warm thoughts flood my mind. I start remembering my sister. The day Lily took her violin out and let me hold it. I had always wanted to learn how to play violin and she was going to teach me something. She showed me exactly how to hold it, showing me how to use the bow without making a dreadful screech. After some time she taught me one of the simplest things to play on violin, “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.” I remember me grinning like the Joker as I hugged her, thanking her for teaching me. I remember feeling her arms wrap around me, enclosing me in warm safety. Suddenly I feel a cool breeze on my face and I recognize right away Michelle’s arms around me.
                My eyes flow open and I find myself staring at the bathroom wall. “I hate you!” I shout, directed at Michelle even though she’s not actually there. “I hate that you interrupt my happiest thoughts, my happiest memories, and ruin things even more for me. Can’t you just leave me alone?!” I shout loudly, frustrated that I can’t think of anything without her coming to mind.

                I quickly finish washing up then jump out of the shower, jumping into clean clothes and running back to my bed, hiding under my covers. “I hate life.” I mumble into my pillow.
                I roll onto my back and stare at my ceiling. I let my mind drift to the night in the woods when I tried to commit suicide. I slowly lift my wrists and glare at the stitches they left in my wrists. “Why couldn’t they have let me die?” I ask, starting to feel as if I’ll fall to pieces any second, suddenly so fragile.

                I close my eyes and lay perfectly still, focusing on the sound of my breathing.
                “Ace!” I hear my sisters voice call out, sounding distant. I look across the large green field to see my sister running towards me. “Ace, guess what! I found a rose and when I picked it, I didn’t even hurt myself on the thorns!”
                “That’s good Lily.” I say, as if this was all completely normal.
                “Ace can I talk to you about something?” She asks, seeming rather hesitant.
                “Sure, you can talk to me about anything Lily. You know that.” I say, reassuring her.
                “Mom and Dad hurt you a lot Ace. I don’t like it. But what if they hurt me? I know you only take it because you’re worried they will hurt me. But what if they change and they end up hurting me? What will happen?” She asks as the fear shows in her eyes.
                “It won’t happen. They won’t touch you; I’ll always protect you Lily.”
                “But Ace what if I die? What would happen to you?”
                “I’m not sure. But I doubt you’ll die anytime soon Lily.” I say with slight humor in my voice.
                “But what if? You never know Ace, it could happen. Can you just promise me something?”
                “Sure, what is it?”
                “If something happens to me, promise you’ll try to be happy.” She says quietly.
                “Okay Lily, I promise.” I say, not thinking anything would actually happen to her.
                Then she was just gone. She vanished. Looking around, I realized I was alone. Tree started to grow in front of my eyes and the darkness started to set in. I looked around me and realized I was sitting in a pool of blood. Somehow I knew right away that it was Lily’s.
                “Lily!” I say, long and drawn out, screaming her name loudly.

                I bolt up in bed and look around. Everything seems fine now. What was that dream about? I was so confused. It seemed happy and harmless at first but then I was sitting in a pool of my sister blood? I shake my head and stand up, deciding not to think about it at the moment.

                “Grandma!” I yell, trying to figure out where she is.
                “I’m in here!” She yells back from the living room.
                “Hey grandma,” I say as simply as possible after having such a rude awakening.
                “Hey, did you sleep well?” She asks sincerely wanting to know.
                “Yeah I slept pretty well.” I say, trying to leave it at that.
                “That’s good. I really missed you when you were with your parents. You’ve grown so much; it’s hard to believe you’re the same person.
                I simply nod my head and walk to the kitchen, seeing a box of donuts on the table and immediately grabbing a glazed donut. I take a large bite out of it and look around the kitchen, trying to recall some things from it. I can vaguely recall making homemade bread rolls with grandma when I was younger but that’s about it.
                I sigh, deciding it probably doesn’t matter much then take another large bite out of my donut.

                I hear a knock at my door and walk to open it, taking another bite out of my donut before realizing I won’t be able to talk to whoever’s at the door with my mouth full.
                I try to think of something quickly but the person knocks again and I just try to chew quickly as I open the door, freezing when I see who’s there.
                “Hi Ace.” Michelle says quietly.
                I can’t speak. I can’t even move or even swallow the food in my mouth.
                “Who is it Ace?” I hear grandma yell from the living room.
                I just stare at Michelle as I recall last night when she hugged me and said she didn’t want me to go. 

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