The pain within

The story of an affair.


1. The end

I am not here to be judged, though I am aware that many will do just that. .........


You came into my life when I was vulnerable. You fell in love with me but weren't mine.

You talked of us being together.You gave me hope, happiness, yet guilt too. How could I build my own happiness on someone else's misery? 

Still, you loved me and gave me a reason to carry on as we were. But that time never came did it ? So many people ended up being hurt. 

It became harder every time you walked out of the door. Our relationship continued within four walls. I couldn't do the things that I desperately wanted to because .... you weren't mine.

Eventually, you wanted to be ' friends'. You said you couldn't handle the lies and deceit any longer but you didn't want to leave my life.

How could you expect me to go from being the woman you loved to being your friend ? It was impossible. 

Every time you left me it was a physical pain as much as an emotional one. It really did feel as if you took a piece of my heart each time.

The rest of that awful time can't be described. Five months on and the pain is as raw now as it was the day that I did something to ensure that you wouldn't want me even as a friend. 

I had to do it for my own self  - preservation. My mind was destroyed, my whole world in turmoil. 

Do you know what it feels like to wake up each day and wish it was over ? Do you know  the effect it has had on my family ?  Do you know what it feels like to want to die because you can't face the pain of another day, pretending that you are fine because that's what is expected of you ? To have to still be on this earth only because you have someone who is totally dependent on you ?  To be scared of the present, the future.... To know that you will never again see or hold the person who you love with every part of you? You will never know because you aren't here to see the pain and devastation that you left behind....... You have destroyed me. 

I loved you, made sacrifices for you but you didn't do the same for me weren't mine.

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