Sweetheart

I wrote this a while ago, about a girl called Frankie who makes a big mistake...

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1. Sweetheart Gone

 

 

You know the time when you realise you love someone? It hits you hard. Right in the heart. And when you realise that they don't love you...that hurts: like the worst pain you could possibly experience.      

I knew he didn't love me at lunchtime, Thursday 5th January. He was with his mates, ever the fool. With a big grin and cheeky laugh, I felt...drawn to him. The class joker, whenever he sat next to me in Maths or English, he'd get me in trouble by making me laugh. Not that I cared. I loved seeing him chuckle as I sunk back down in my seat to get on with my work. I'd pretend to be annoyed and ignore him, but he poked me and whispered in my ear to get my attention. I couldn't help but love it.            

All of this gave me the complete wrong message. I thought he truly loved me, the way he flirted with me and protected me whenever someone bitched about me. It never occurred to me that maybe we were just mates, nothing more. It seemed like a horrible thought. I never wanted to be JUST friends, I wanted to be the highest of his affections, his priority. His girlfriend. I wanted to be the one who he'd hug and kiss in the playground. It gave me the shivers (good ones) whenever I imagined him sneaking up behind me and twirling me round like all the other boys would do.      

Me and Josh were the only singles in the class.  Well, maybe not the only ones. Okay...only 2 couples existed in the class. But I liked to think it was just me and Josh, made carefully for each other, like we were crafted in heaven! I had to watch him closely, make sure he didn't have any ideas about going out with Lauren or Jessica Hartling. Sometimes I felt like screeching at him; "JOSH! Look at me, Frankie (Francesca...urgh) Lola Herring!" But if I did, then that would make me a desperate low-life.      

Anyway. The day I realised he didn't loved me, became one of the worst days on my calendar. Admittedly, the only time we'd danced was at the Year 6 Leavers' 'Prom' and even then it was just a quick jive, because he was trying to cheer me up. I had tears streaming down my face at the prospect of leaving my primary after 8 years there. But leaving was a blessing in itself. I was allowed to date. I was allowed to love Josh.       

 But he didn't feel the same. That lunchtime I'd hid in the toilet, blubbing like a baby with JESSICA HARTLING holding tissues to my face. Kerrie, my bestie, was off ill that day, typically. But why did Jessica come and hold tissues to my face? To gloat. I could see her mouth twitching with laughter in the mirror, even through my steamed up sunglasses (yes, it was sunny in January.) That lunchtime...was terrible.        

I'd been hanging out with the popular kids that day. Me and Kerrie were more 'stay out of the way' people. We'd walk up and down the field, just chatting, whilst keeping an eye on the goings-on from a distance. Some of the nerdier kids would try and shove their way through the crowds and look up at the popular gang's faces with adoration. I wished I could be in that gang for years and years. I'd DREAM about it at night. But I never got there. Apart from that day.      

I think it was Josh who allowed me to hang out with the PK's (popular kids.) I immediately presumed that he was trying to show his feelings for me, for allowing to me enter the dreamworld. I realised later on that it was more like pity, the fact that I had been wandering round the field on my own, trying to muster up the courage to approach the PK's. He'd probably seen me and thought; 'Aww. What a loner. I'll let her in the gang as a laugh. And I feel the teeniest bit sorry for the girl.'      

Yes, so I misunderstood again. That's where it went wrong. I sounded so stupid, when he welcomed me in. "Oh Josh," I said, "Thanks for letting me join your grou...I mean, hang out with you guys. I've been pretty lonely today..."      

 I automatically smiled my biggest smile when he touched my arm lightly as a 'you’re welcome.' The touch sent shivers up my spine and I thought, in fact I KNEW, that I loved him. His smile, his touch, his face, his voice. He seemed utterly perfect, from his chiselled jaw, to his white, white teeth. And the height. He was at least 6 foot, while I had just reached a tiny FIVE foot. We'd look perfect together. Then I acted so stupidly. I KISSED the boy.         

 I approached him carefully and then I put my lips on his and experienced the moment I had been waiting forever for. His lips were butter soft, like cocoa butter Vaseline, and there was a tinge of mint in his breath. I touched his hair, and ran it through my fingers. It was soft and floppy, brown as chocolate.  He smelt like aftershave, mint, cocoa butter and gorgeousness. Clean cuticles, a bonus. Josh had bright blue eyes, in contrast to his wonderful brown hair...and then I realised that something was terribly wrong. I thought of the song 'Grenade' by Bruno Mars and realised that his eyes were open. They weren't closed in pleasure. They were open in disgust.        

I pulled away. His mouth was open, not in the romantic puckering stance, but in horror. Everything was silent for a moment, apart from the sound of heavy breathing from me. Then a giggle from Jessica Hartling's sister, Lauren. Then Alfie, Sam, Ben, and all the other boys began jeering and pointing. I didn't look at any of them. I just looked at Josh, who spat on the floor out of spite. Then something amazing happened. Well, at the time, I thought it was a miracle in its self. He leaned closer and kissed me for 3 seconds on the lips. Then he pulled off, as if he had been waiting for hours to do so.      

"There. I finished off the kiss, which you just...just...PRESUMED I wanted. I don't love you Frankie. At first, I thought I did. But you ruined it for yourself, for being a desperate...desperate little child!" Or words to that extent. Those beautiful eyes I had fallen in love with now didn't look like an azure ocean on a summer's day. They looked like ice, ready to slice the Titanic. The dissapointment in my eyes must have shown. If I'd been patient, waited for the right moment...then we could have been together forever. The perfect little couple. Like the the jam and the cream that makes the Victoria Sponge.                            

I ran off. I ran as fast I could. I had humiliated myself so badly. I wanted Kerrie. But I still wanted Josh more. That wasn't going to happen though, neither of them.        

I heard footsteps behind me and ran faster. I wanted to be alone. I glanced round to see Jessica running after me, teetering dangerously in stilettos. I didn't have to run really fast, Jessica could barely walk in those stupid shoes, let alone race. But I didn't slow to a walk.       

 I got to the loo entrance. I rushed inside, seeing it was empty except for a few Year 7's giggling at the swear words on the toilet doors. I locked myself in a cubicle, tucked my legs up on to the seat so nobody could see me and quietly sobbed.  I had made the biggest mistake of my life. Ever since Year 4 I had worn his heart on my sleeve, hoping one day he'd confess that he had mine on his sleeve too. I'd glance at him sneakily in lessons in Year 5, barely talking to him, just passing him a pencil off the floor or letting him borrow a rubber. In Year 6, we said hello to each other. In year's 7 and 8 we began to talk during lessons. And now in Year 9, I'd made THE move, but it backfired straight in my stupid little face.        

 I heard the door swing open and I wanted to scream. When you've been let down so badly, you feel like you want to die. I didn't want anyone to see me, I felt disgusted with myself for being a little idiot, misunderstanding everything all over again. I had a habit of that, misunderstanding lessons, parents and most importantly boys.        

 I climbed onto the wooden box which held the toilet in place and lay down as best as I could on that. I hoped Jessica would presume that I didn't want her hands anywhere near me and leave, but she didn't. I heard her hissing at the Year 7's, who scampered past my cubicle and squeaked down the hallway in their Clark's patent shoes.        

"Frankie," Jessica said, tapping her foot on the door. She didn't even question it, she stated it like it's a fact that I'm in here. I held my breath and shut my eyes, hoped that she wouldn't kick down the door. Whenever I closed my eyes, all I saw was Josh's face, the spite and then I looked closer and saw a hint of disappointment. It revolted me that he's disappointed in me. I've spent my whole life trying to make him proud of me, even joining the girl's football team, even though I'm crap at football. I missed the goal time after time, but Josh was the only one that didn't boo. He just smiled that smile that made me melt into a gooey mess.        

 "Frankie. Don't make me kick that damn door down because I will. I am capable," Jessica preened. I didn't doubt her for a second, so I slowly unbolted the latch and reluctantly pulled the door open an inch.        

Jessica seized the opportunity and kicked it wide open. She grabbed me by the arm and stood me in front of her. If she was Kerrie, I'd appreciate the firmness. But this is Jessica. It's more cruel than firm. Then she put on a soft little voice which I knew was fake. She wiped my eyes with a tissue and then I saw the first signs of her cruelness. A little twitch of the mouth, a smirk. "Oh I do feel for you Frankie..." she muttered, dipping her head down to try to disguise her secret glee. Jessica had been trying to get to Josh for months, but I had always been in the background, ready to push her off. Now, I guess, I'll never approach neither of them again and then Josh will go out with Jessica. Then everyone will follow their example and start going out with anyone they can find, and then they'll be me. Standing on the side-lines, all on my lonesome. Unless I wanted to go out with one of the desperate Year 7's, I'll have no chance of having a relationship.        

When Jessica had finished dabbing at my eyes, I just stared at her. Why did she even stand within 5 metres of me? She hated me and I hated her. But I still loved Josh.      

"You can go now, Jess." I said, as nicely as I could. She took the hint and swung out of the bathroom, leaving me to cry again.         

 

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