I Wish I Was You

Claire. My sister. She was so perfect, so brilliant. The best student, the popular girl, the ideal daughter, the true friend and the perfect sister. But I hated her. I hated that she was so impeccable, that she was better than me in everything. I felt like a nobody around her. And I didn't like that.


5. Epilogue

I realised my eyes were shut tight, the tears seeping from beneath my eyelids. The cold out in the balcony was giving me shivers. It must be well past midnight. I turned. The apartment was dark. Mum had probably already gone to bed without disturbing me. She was so considerate. Claire had been every bit like her. I wish I could have been too. But no. I was a monster. A monster dwelling in a human form, not deserving to be loved. And yet I had got all the love in the world. From my Mum. From my sister. The sister that I killed. 

I shut my eyes again, as though that would be any help. What I had done was done. Nothing could change that. Nothing. I was a brutal killer, a murderer ... and my Mum still believed it had been an accident. She refused to believe I had killed her knowingly, despite all the evidence. It's painful to see her defend me like that. Especially when I know the truth.

I noticed that the cup of coffee in my hands was cold and useless now. Just like my life. I pushed the cup aside. I wish I could do that with my life too, just push it aside like that ... just end the misery. And that was when it struck me. Of course. What else could be repentance for my sins? It was the right thing to do. The world was a better place without me. And without second thoughts I climbed the rails of the balcony and got to the other side, supporting myself by holding on the rails. I was nine levels above the ground, it would be a bone-crushing fall. I gulped, but my decision didn't waver. Hadn't I done the same with my sister when nothing had been her fault? Didn't I deserve the same fate? 

I gave my home one last look. Mum was asleep in there. Tears stung my eyes again. Mum. She would be shattered when she found me dead tomorrow. But it was all for the best. She deserved better. No, she deserved the best. I wished she would meet someone better than Dad and start life afresh and learn to forget. I wished she wouldn't mourn my death too much. I wished she would soon realise what a gross creature I was and learn to move on.

I raised my head to the night sky studded with stars. Claire was up there, above in heaven. I hoped she had forgiven me, although that was too much to ask for. I really hoped she didn't hate me and realised I was sorry. Really sorry. Sorrier than ever about what I had done. I wanted to join her up there, though I knew heaven was not the place for people like me. I was going to hell. And I deserved that, not the life of love and care my Mum had given me until now. I was going to meet my fate, I was going to pay for all that I did. It would take all my willpower and courage, but I was determined to avenge my sister.

And so I jumped.  

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