Hallowed be

A story of how religion (not faith, that's a different matter) can kill and alter people, psychologically, sexually and socially. I'm quite sure Jesus would never have wanted this. It's a tough read and not for delicate minds. Part of a much bigger work. If you like it let me know. If you don't, still let me know and why. All comments are welcome. This is my first venture into Movellas. I'm scared! 18+ content. Please be aware.

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1. Hallowed Be

 

 

 

Have you ever felt so trapped inside your own head that the real world seems like a dream? That’s how life has always been for me. I can have someone talking to me for hours at a time and then I blink and the gaps between their words lengthen and the meanings peel away to reveal things that I don’t understand. Do you know what I mean?

            I lose myself a lot. Not just physically, (I have found myself in places never knowing how I’ve arrived there). Inside, I get lost inside my head and forget things, my name, who I am - sometimes even forget to breathe. I am normal, I really am it’s just that I at least realise that this is the way my life is, I can deal with it whereas other people can’t accept that about themselves. I think that makes me the better person. Do you know what I mean?

            So when I punished Lisa the way I did, I knew it was for her own good and I knew exactly where in my head I was at the time. So as far as I’m concerned I did nothing wrong.  People should be punished for doing bad stuff, that’s the way the world works - do the crime do the time - that kind of thing.  Mama and Papa did it to me when I was a kid and it didn’t do me any harm. If I said my prayers wrong or messed up a line from the bible my Papa would bite my arm really hard. If I cried he’s bite even harder. So, I learned how to stop crying by wondering off somewhere in my head until the pain went away. When I come back I’d just have the teeth-marks on my skin but the pain would be long gone by then. I think I’m really clever doing that, don’t you? I learned that all by myself, nobody told me how, I just did it. Sometimes I’d mess up on purpose just so I could practice. Or maybe it wasn’t on purpose, I can never make my mind up. Sometimes things just change in front of me, like words in a book.

I remember when I was twelve years old, reading out loud in front of  Mama, Papa and some of their friends who had come round to the house for a meeting. I didn’t like any of them: Jane who wore thick, black glasses and silly flowery dresses she would always shout praise the Lord! after someone had said something. That really bugged me. Papa seemed to like her a lot, he was always touching her hand and winking at her when he thought no one was looking - but I was. Peter and Emma smiled all the time, always showing their teeth, perfect white teeth. They where still in their twenties and had met through the meetings at our house. They believed in no sex before marriage and little halos seemed to follow them around everywhere, glinting from the glare of their teeth. I didn’t tell Mama and Papa that I saw them in the park two nights earlier with his trousers down and her head between his legs. Everyone patted my head, I hated that, really hated it. Anyway. Papa asked me to read aloud for everyone and the whole room hushed when I opened the big book. I read from the book of Genesis and everything was going fine until I got to the bit about Adam and Eve, until I got a little lost in my head and the words changed in front of me.

 ‘Then the man said, At last, here is one of my own kind - Bone taken from bone, and flesh from my flesh. Cunt is her name because she was taken out of cock.’

I can’t remember how long I was locked in the cupboard for but I think it must have been at least a day or two. I could hear my Mama screaming stuff about Satan and hell and my Papa kicking the cupboard door so hard I thought the hinges were going to snap. But it didn’t matter to me, I was long gone, the darkness and noise seemed miles away. Even the blood dripping from my arm and ear didn’t matter. He bit me really, really hard that night. Jesus loves you unless he’s off skiing somewhere.

            I don’t understand sex, even now as a thirty year old man. It’s weird stuff. Do you know what I mean? I was always taught, never look at your rib, when you wash it, look away and think of Jesus. I always used to get teased at school for calling my sex thing a rib. The other lads called it a cock - that always makes me laugh because mine doesn’t look like a silly looking chicken. Mama would always check I was doing it right. I’d be sitting in the bath and she would stand there with her arms folded, staring at me, not saying a word. It didn’t bother me, I was used to it. She got the shock of her life one night though, it still makes me laugh even now.

            One day when I was fourteen Mama and Papa left me at home to study while they went to see some friends. ‘Luke chapter one and I’ll test you when I come home,’ he said as he walked out the door. Mama had a bruise on her wrist that she kept trying to hide that day but I saw it. I always remember that. Isn’t it weird what you remember when you remember it? Anyway, I studied for about an hour and knew it word for word. Papa didn’t realise how good my memory was and I never told him, I always played just that little bit dumb. Good for buying time when the folks are away. I left the big book open for when they came home and pulled my book out from underneath my mattress. It was a magazine called Penthouse,  I’d found it in the park and had it for two years. It was in brilliant condition, the cover was glossy and there wasn’t a mark on any of the pages at all.

I made sure to keep it clean so I bought a clear plastic cover for it to make sure it never got dirty. I wrote on a sticker in my best writing: New Testament and stuck it on the front. Every week I’d dust the pages and make sure there was no greasy finger-marks on them. I always use gloves when I read it anyway to be on the safe side. I’d always walk through the park to see if I could find any more but no joy. Anyway, I enjoyed the magazine for half an hour then carefully put it back under my mattress with my gloves.

There was another half an hour to kill until Mama and Papa came home so, feeling in a rebellious mood I did something I’d never done in my life. I walked into Mama and Papa’s bedroom. They always kept their room locked - but I knew where the key was. Many a time I’d seen Mama through the crack in my door, reaching behind the clock on the wall to get the key. So I reached behind and grabbed it. I was very excited, my veins seemed to crackle inside my arm as if the key itself held some sort of charge. I was going into the unknown. Blasphemy. Fucking blasphemy . . .  Sorry I don’t normally swear, just when I get excited. Holding my breath, I opened the door and walked in.

At first I was disappointed, it just looked like a normal room. There were two single beds with a gap the width of a person between them. The sheets were perfectly drawn across them, not a crease in sight. Beside each was a small cabinet with a reading lamp and a bible. On the wall between the beds hung a wooden crucifix. A stool and a television with a video recorder beneath it sat in the corner near the big window and opposite was a large wardrobe. But I was amazed to see a full-length mirror standing opposite the beds. In the whole of the house there was not one mirror. Papa always said that mirrors were for vanity and vanity was a sin. But there it was, standing proud, reflecting both beds for all to look in. Anyway, it didn’t really bother me that much, it wasn’t really the kind of revelation I was interested in. I looked in the wardrobe but all I saw was clothes hanging up and shoes at the bottom. On my knees I looked beneath the beds and got nothing but fresh air. No blasphemy for me. Then I noticed that the bases of the beds had drawers built into them. I touched one of the handles ready to pull then let go for a second. Drawing my hand across and down my body in the sign of the cross I grabbed the handle and pulled out one of the drawers. The holy grail. My body shook as I looked at all the stuff inside.

There were piles and piles of glossy magazines  like mine, until I flicked through a few and saw they were different. Some of them had people dressed up in leather with whips and chains and masks, all sorts of weird stuff. Others had men dressed up like women - make-up, skirts, tights and everything. Some of the magazines made me feel a bit sick. Pictures of dead people, heads blown off, eyes poked out, red messes were their bits should be. There were videos too. No pictures on the cover but they had titles hand-written on them like: Redemption, Angelic, Vow of silence - stuff like that. I was breathing really fast so I had to try and calm down a bit. I turned to the drawer on the other bed and pulled that one out. Not as many magazines and videos but loads of weird stuff. Plastic things which looked exactly like my rib. Small ones, massive ones, all different colours. Handcuffs, things that looked like whips, chains with locks on them, rubber masks with studs in them and loads and loads of little packets with round rubber things inside them. I don’t know how long I spent there looking at all this stuff but the next thing I knew was hearing the front door open down stairs.

I shut the drawers as quickly as I could without making a noise, the voices of Mama and Papa got louder, there was someone with them too. I got to the door, locked it behind me, put the key back behind the clock and ran into my bedroom. I didn’t realise until I sat on my bed that I was holding one of the videos from the room. I must have had a moment in my head and kept hold of it - I didn’t remember doing it. I do that sometimes, I nick stuff and don’t know about it. I hid it under my pillow and pretended to read my bible. Papa shouted me downstairs.

Mama was there and so was Jane with another silly dress on. Papa told me that I was to have a bath before he tested me on my chapter, cleansing was good. I ran a bath, got undressed and got into the water. I couldn’t stop thinking about all the stuff I’d just seen, then Mama walked in. As usual she stood right beside the bath with her arms folded. Then she screamed, I thought she was having a heart-attack until she smacked me on the back of my head. Papa and Jane came into the bathroom, I hadn’t a clue what was going on. Mama told me to stand up and look at Papa, then she covered her face with her hands. So I got to my feet, I could feel myself going bright red, especially with Jane looking at me too. I saw her grin for a split second because Mama and Papa weren’t looking at her. They were all looking down at my rib. It was standing up on it’s own, I hadn’t even noticed. There was nothing I could do but . . . stand there. The cupboard seemed even darker than usual that night. Until I went away of course.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I was telling you about Lisa and how I punished her. I get really forgetful sometimes and ramble.

She’s the daughter of Ken and Eileen who started coming around to the meetings at the house when I was twenty-nine years old. She always seemed a bit dumb to me at first because she never said anything but then I started getting on well with her. She was pretty but didn’t have any make-up on or anything like that. Her mum and dad wouldn’t let her. She wore little round glasses and always had her bright red hair in a ponytail. She’s really intelligent, her Mama and Papa sent her to all the best schools and her accent is pretty posh. Everyone says my accent is lovely but it’s nothing to hers. Her main talent was art. She was brilliant, she could draw or paint anything she wanted to and had loads of her work put up in exhibitions. She’d bring her stuff to meetings and everyone would always want to buy something. But she’d just give them away  - she’s like that. She’d hardly ever look at me at the meetings and I wasn’t really that bothered. I don’t really like girls that much. Well when I say I don’t really like them I mean I don’t know that many. I still have my magazine and the key to Mama and Papa’s room. My own private sacrilege. Anyway where was I? Oh yeah, Lisa.

I was lying in my bed one night when I heard something crack against my window. I fucking shit myself . . . oops, sorry about that. When I looked out  I saw Lisa standing in the garden waving at me and smiling. I looked back at my clock, it said three-thirty. When I opened the window she was whispering as loudly as she could for me to come down. I told her how late it was but she wasn’t taking no for an answer - and she was getting louder, Mama and Papa would hear her if I didn’t do something. So, I got dressed and crept past Mama and Papa’s room, down the stairs and out of the kitchen door. There she was, waiting for me with a huge grin on her face.

‘Hiya,’ she said. Before I could open my mouth she grabbed hold of my hand. ‘C’mon, let’s go for a walk.’ I think I must have gone for a wander in my head for a bit because the next thing I knew, we were sitting beside the stream that ran just near my house and she was talking away. ‘Why are your mum and dad so weird?’ she said.

‘I don’t think Mama and Papa are weird at all,’ I answered. She began laughing.

‘Mama and Papa? Why do you call them that?’

‘Don’t know, I always have.’ She pulled out a packet of cigarettes and offered me one. I said no but I was amazed that someone like her actually smoked, she seemed so prim and proper. After shrugging her shoulders when I refused one she lit one up and blew a big stream of smoke out of her mouth. The moonlight reflected off her glasses as she tilted her head backwards blowing more smoke out into the darkness.

‘What do you think of all this church meeting shit anyway? It’s a bit fucking crap isn’t it. All bollocks. If I wasn’t promised so much money off my mum and dad for being such a good girl I’d tell them both to fuck off. That’s why I still live with them, can’t fucking wait to get away.’ I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, I thought I was having a funny moment but she was definitely saying those thing there and then to me. I asked her why she wanted me to come out with her so late at night, everything had happened so fast that I hadn’t had time to think.

‘Because I think you’re pretty cool. You’re not like the others at the meetings. I always creep out at night to get some fresh air. It stinks of candles, polish and heaven in our house. So I just thought I’d like some company tonight. Don’t mind do you?’ I shook my head.

‘Er . . . no, not at all.’ Actually it was nice to talk to someone who didn’t preach every-time they opened their mouth and the fact that she was so different compared to the meetings inspired me. We talked for a long time about allsorts of stuff: art, music, films - it was so different. Her attitude was great, she really didn’t care about anything really. Then she asked me something that should have shocked me but didn’t.

‘Shall we take our clothes off? I do it all the time when I creep out at night. I find a field were no one can see me and strip off. It feels like I’m shedding skin for a while, getting rid of all the religion crap. It’s horny but that’s not why I do it. Just to feel the breeze on my skin and the grass under my feet feels real, like my own heaven. Fancy it? No sex though, just naked.’ I totally understood what she was saying, don’t ask me why but I did. I always felt the need to shed skin as she put it but never had the opportunity. Also, I was always used to people seeing me naked so I think even Lisa was a little surprised when instead of answering her, I started taking off my trousers. ‘I knew you were different, I knew it,’ she said as if a great relief had come over her.

So, there we were, lying on our backs, side by side and completely naked, our clothes thrown in hasty piles beside us. The silence was wonderful, we hadn’t agreed not to talk, it just kind of made sense no to; it felt as if we were the only people on earth. When she took her clothes off in front of me it just seemed such a natural thing to do. She had a beautiful body and it was the first time I’d actually seen a  naked woman in the flesh but it was no big thing to me. It was just Lisa - that’s the way she is, well, with me anyway. By lying there, we automatically built an unspoken trust and most of all a friendship - allies. She broke the silence by suggesting that we walk around the field for a while, just looking at everything around us, touching and feeling nature, naturally as she put it. The best thing she had me doing was hugging trees. I know that sounds a bit stupid but it was great. Feeling the  bark against my body, it felt like old skin, ancient skin. Then we walked in the stream for a bit and lay back down on the grass to dry off in silence. The only sound was our breaths slowly calming down.

So, once or twice a week we’d both creep out of the houses and shed skin. We trusted each other so much that we’d even take each other’s clothes off and then dress each other again. No big thing, just friends. One night she told me that her mum and dad were going away for a week and would I like to come over. I told her I’d found a video in Mama and Papa’s bedroom, so she told me to bring it over with anything else I could think of. She also persuaded me to bring my New Testament with me, my Penthouse. At first I told her no, it was the most precious thing that I possessed. It had been my saviour, my guardian and my teacher. She said she’d never seen one before, never felt the need, but promised me nothing would happen to it. So one night, when her parents had gone, I crept out of the house and went over to Lisa’s.

I turned up at about two in the morning armed with a shopping bag full of stuff and the video and my New Testament. We talked, watched some TV.

‘So, what’s on this video that you pinched from your mum and dad then? She asked.

‘Dunno, I haven’t had the chance to watch it myself yet. Probably something really weird though.’ I took it out of my bag and Lisa excitedly snatched it off me and put it in the recorder. On the cover was written, Eucharist in red pen. We both sat cross-legged on the floor and waited for all the fuzzy lines to go while the tracking sorted itself out. Fucking hell, it was well weird. Oops I’m s-

Tell you what just ignore my swearing ok. I don’t have to fucking justify myself to anyone. I don’t even have to tell this fucking story if I don’t want to. Ok? You either want to listen or you fucking don’t. It’s not like you’re giving me your life story is it. Right, where was I? Oh yeah. The video.

 

Well basically it started with my Mama tied to a chair with a gag over her mouth. Then it cut to what she was looking at. Papa was fucking Jane from behind on the bed. Remember Jane? Praise the Lord and all that shit? Well she was naked except for stockings and high-heels and Papa was fucking her any which way, with Mama watching it all. Lisa was amazed at first and kept looking over at me to see my reaction. I wasn’t surprised in the least at what I saw to tell the truth. She loved it but I was bored after about ten minutes but I pretended to like it. It lasted about an hour and then we switched the fucking thing off. We talked about it for ages but I was getting fucking bored stiff so I asked her if she wanted to see my New Testament.

‘Yeah why not,’ she said, ‘We might as well carry on the porno theme.’

‘My book is not porn, it’s the fucking truth!’ I must’ve shouted too loud at her because she looked really hurt and went quiet on me. I apologised to her. I’m always fucking apologising. But she was ok after a few minutes. I put on my gloves and we started looking through my book.

‘Why do you wear gloves to look at this?’ she asked with a stupid fucking grin on her face. Cheeky cow.

‘So it doesn’t get contaminated silly,’ I replied in my calmest voice so I wouldn’t upset her again. Fancy asking me why. As we flicked through I gave a running commentary of every page, who was on it, what the writing was about, what I thought it all meant. She looked at me a little funny as I talked. Must’ve been well fucking impressed that I’d learned it all word for word.

‘You really like the girls in this book don’t you,’ she said to me.

‘They’re my Angels, my guardians,’ I replied.

‘Would you like me to be an angel? Tonight?’ I didn’t know what to say. How could she couldn’t possibly be an angel. How could she? How fucking dare she. ‘Would you like me to dress up for you?’ I made an excuse to go to the toilet so I could get my head together. Who the fuck did she think she was? She obviously wasn’t interested in the book or me for that matter. She was just trying to make me look stupid, I was sure of it. So I decided I’d get my book, make an excuse and leave. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I got back to her. She was reading my New Testament - without gloves on. She’s defiled my precious book, I could see smudges on the pages even from were I was standing. Fucking finger-marks all over them. I can’t remember much after that. I disappeared for miles in my head. It just happened. Anyway, when I came around again I was back in bed. I put my hand under the mattress to see if my book was there and it was. I knew there would be some fine cleaning to do to it when I got up in the morning. So I must have just come home from Lisa’s and went straight to bed. I don’t know what I said to her, because I can’t even remember leaving. My jaw’s aching like mad though. Mind you, I grind my teeth in my sleep when I’ve been angry so it was probably that.

 

It’s gone a bit mad in our house since then. Papa got taken away by the police. I heard mum talking to a friend downstairs afterwards, crying her eyes out. I heard everything. Lisa had been found dead at home, apparently she’d had her throat ripped out. She’d been dead for a few days. The person who did it had bitten so deep that they crushed the bones in her neck. Blood everywhere apparently. The police found the video I left there in the recorder. They’d played it and weren’t too keen on what they saw. The video also had Papa’s and Lisa’s fingerprints all over it. So they’ve taken him in for questioning. It’s in the papers too. You know, nothing surprises me any more, people are just so weird. Just when you think you know someone.

God my jaw’s aching, like I’ve been crunching something hard.

Oh yeah . . .  it’s all coming back to me again - oops. In fact, I was going to tell you about Lisa’s punishment wasn’t I. Do I really need to tell you now? No one else needs to know what we know. Papa will be ok I’m sure. So shhhhh . . .

Know what I mean?

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