Ubersnake vs. Things that Happen to Ubersnake: An Ubersnake Novel

Ubersnake is a magical snake. He has no hands, but plenty of heart! Read about all of Ubersnake's adventures vs. the things that oppose Ubersnake! Read them now!


2. Ubersnake Vs. the Writhing Maggots

When Ubersnake Ubersnaked his way out to the Ubersnakemobile, he was greeted by Writhing Maggots that were crawling all over his pleather seats.  Ubersnake flicked out his tongue dismayedly since he had just had the pleather waxed.  Ubersnake looked around to see why there were all the Writhing Maggots in his car and he noticed that someone had dropped a dead cow carcass in the back seat.  This was because the roof had been down (the Ubersnakemobile is a totally sweet convertible).

On the cow was written "Do not tresspass against the evil ones! seriously, they are bad news! Like, will eat your eyeballs, bad news!"

Also on the cow was written "Sorry about the Writhing Maggots"

And finally "Love, Sancho"

This was maybe good news and maybe bad news, depending on which Sancho had written the note, because Ubersnake knew a number of Sanchos, only some of whom weren't horrible bastards.  For instance, there was Sancho the Knifey, who had earned his monicker because he was made out of knives and could get a little stabby when he was in his cups.  Also there was Sancho the Denguey, who was a nice guy if you could get over him fevering all over the place on your couch during parties and stuff.  Anyway, those two Sanchos were okay guys, not like Sancho the Artsy-Fartsy, who would just not shut up about Foucault and kept putting your things in jars of urines, which was inconvenient when you were making toast. 

There was also the chance that it was not any of the Sanchos that Ubersnake knew, like Sancho the Snowman, whom Ubersnake did not know.  So this Sancho fellow remained a mysterious mystery for the time being.  But not Thyme Being, because nobody was making chicken at the moment.

Ubersnake put the cow into his backpack in case he needed to barter it or maybe use it as a key for some intricate puzzle later on. He also put some of the Writhing Maggots into the little Writhing Maggot Baggies that he carried with him for such occasions (one never knows when one will run afoul of some Writhing Maggots.  It is best to be prepared like the Boy Scouts with the Knives and Diseases).

Having successfully dealt with the Writhing Maggots, Ubersnake slithered gracefully behind the wheel of the Ubersnakemobile, which was decorated with Thundercats decals on the outside.  Featured prominently on the doors were the sexy ones (except Snarf).  Additionally, the car was blue, with headlights and four wheels.  There was no roof, because Ubersnake don't drive no hooptie.  The Ubersnakemobile is a totally sweet convertable with mad cupholders.

Also it has little dangly fuzzy ocelot skulls instead of fuzzy dice.  This is okay because the ocelots were ill-tempered.  Also, people underestimate ocelots because they are so cute, but so is ebola, and look how well that turned out for Great Britain.

Ubersnake started up the Ubersnakemobile and backed carefully out of the driveway.  Because the car was on empty, Ubersnake drove over to a local gas station.  Also he wanted some Cherry Soda (Ubersnake was originally from Missouri, so he calls it Soda instead of the more correct Pop, but which is still better than calling it Soda Pop or Superwater, like they do in New Jersey and/or Canada.

Luckily, Ubersnake was now undercover wearing his sombero and a shortsleeve, blue shirt.  Also he had on some Hawaiian shorts (made from real Hawaiians).  Also luckily for Ubersnake, one of the Writhing Maggots, named Pepe the Maggot, had stowed away in the front breast pocket of his pale-blue, polyester-blend blue shirt.  Pepe the Maggot had had a rough life already, what with his mom leaving him at a young age and dealing with dyslexia and everything.  This had given Pepe the Maggot a tough-edged innocence like one of those street youths that you feel bad for when you see them on the street because they never really had a chance at a good education because of other disruptive students and teachers unions and so on, but then they spraypaint "U R GHEY" onto your garage and then you don't feel so bad about them.

Pepe the Maggot was like that only more writhey-ey, and Maggotty-ey.  Also, he did not use spray paint because he was a Maggott and had no thumbs.  He did smoke and use that hair slick gel like Danny from the delightful movie Grease.  Also like Hickie Kinickie.  Ubersnake, like the author, like Pepe, is still a little confused about why the spelling of the Hickie fellow, however.

In either case, it was fortunate that Ubersnake was shirting around Pepe, because just as the gunmen walruses opened fire from near where the tacquitos were being prepared, the Writhing Maggot was able to shout "Oh no! Ubersnake, yous gotta duck!"

Ubersnake did not really own a duck, but this was not what Pepe meant.

The Walruses continued spraying the convenience mart with full-metal-jacket rounds in a blaze of what would glory if they weren't Walruses, and therefore immune to glory and its effects.  They were a little on the intimidating side, however (but not for Ubersnake, who is not able to be intimidated, except by large crowds in malls around St. Michealmas.

Each walrus was mounted on a lazer-guided three-wheeled platform with adamantium sides and like dangerous spikey things protruding from the wheels like a growth on an old Italian lady's neck.  The platforms were painted black and read with menacing looking fanged skulls painted on them.  Also there were those little hangy tree things to help mask the buttsmell of the walruses.

The walruses themselves were dressed in black-with-silver-studs leather body-suits.  On something not a walrus, maybe it would have been awesome, but the effect was more like Weird Al in his Fat video.  Swords and an assortment of knives hung neatly on holsters and belts arranged around their massive bulks.  More impressive, though, were the shoulder-mounted cannons each sported on either side of his tusked face.

More impressive than that were what the shoulder-mounted cannons were firing.



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