Ubersnake vs. Things that Happen to Ubersnake: An Ubersnake Novel

Ubersnake is a magical snake. He has no hands, but plenty of heart! Read about all of Ubersnake's adventures vs. the things that oppose Ubersnake! Read them now!

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3. Ubersnake vs. the Spikey Ninja Stars

Pepe at this point was pretty freaked out because of all the flaming rocks that were being shot out of the rocket cannons.  As the fiery projectiles crashed into the walls, their igneous covering cracked revealing spikey Ninja Stars.  Each of these Ninja Stars had little eyeballs and was wearing a sweet ninja mask.  They did not have swords or anything because they were already deadly with their razor sharp limbs.  Also because they had no fingers.  Not even the little thingies that Lego-peopole have to hold their Lego accessories like farmer tools or astronaut tools.

"Oh no! Ninja Stars! Yous better watch out, Ubersnake!"  Pepe, who was a little bit of a coward because he was, after all, just a little writhing maggot and not a superspy or anything, pulled his trenchcoat closer around him and huddled safely into his little nook in Ubersnake's sombrero of awesomeness.

But Ubersnake was doing better than watching out--he was Ubersnaking!

"We are here to destroy you, Ubersnake!" called Walrus Number One as he let loose a furious barrage of molten death and destruction from his many and sundry weaponries. "You have crossed our masters one too many times for us to let you live!  For example, there was that time that you invaded our underground lair in San Francisco and destroyed our plans for melting the Golden Gate Bridge into little coins and spending them even though later we found out that the Golden Gate Bridge is not made out of Golden Gates but rather ordinary construction materials!  This is because of symbolism!"

As he monologued, however, Ubersnake was manipulating the raw force of the universe to turn the celing tiles above him into tiny bears with lazer-claws. 

"OWW!" shouted Walrus Number One, who, besides shouting everything, was also having the adorable tiny bears gouging bloody tracks through his walrus skin. "OWW, OWW!" he continued.

Ubersnake now turned his attention to Walrus Number Two, who had changed his flipper hands into chainsaw hands and was bearing down on him.  "Buzz, buzz," said the Walrus with a faint Irish lilt, immitating the sound of his chainsaw flippers, "I am going to chainsaw you in half with my chainsaw flippers.  This is revenge for that other time that you caused our evil plans to not come to fruition when we tried to infect cows with a disease that would turn their milk into zombie milk that would infect the people who drank it with zombie-diseases."  His flippers buzzed merrily as he advanced on his mechanized tripod of doom, which also had training wheels with flowers painted on it for even evil villains need a hand when they are first being trained on new equipment like when Darth Vader had to go to the training meeting on how to use the fax machine.

Sudden and swift, Ubersnake caused Walrus Number Two's internal organs to turn to salt, which was a pretty horrible way for him to die.  Also it was not ironic.  But that's just how Ubersnake rolls.

This left only the tiny Ninja Stars and their kung-fu prowess for Ubersnake to deal with.  In accord with the ancient code of Bushido, Ubersnake withdrew his matching jet-black katana with the cool inscriptions down the sides which read "Hing Nao Sheung" and "Zuxu Doung" which means "swift death comes from the mamba to the blind mice unless the mice have a pretty good plan and also the mamba is having a bad day or something, like maybe he did not get enough sleep because of a Buffy marathon the night before and also he ate too many beef jerky bites."

Ubersnake began to swirl the two katanae, their blades dancing like two lovers who also happen to be dancing gracefully.  Like two sinuous and svelt serpentine primordial gods of destruction, they began to swirl in a hypnotic midnight-blueprint of doom.  The snakes stood only one chance--if they admitted their error in challenging their obvious master, perhaps Ubersnake would be spare them the dishonor of humiliation in combat and off them the solace of a quick death. 

If they did not and pressed on with their insanity, Ubersnake would be forced to defend the very Bushido code itself, along with the line of his trainers, Master Fu and his sensei Master Cxu before him.  Also the other members of his sensei geneological tree, including Master Gu-fang, Master Ralph, and Little Joe with the Thingie That Grew from His Neck.  Also there were others, but this is not the Iliad with it's long lists of names.  You could probably find a copy in the library and/or garbage if you are interested.  Try not to spend too much time thinking upon the metaphorical implications of the Shield of Achilles.  Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

But much like swift-footed Achilles chose doom at the twang of Paris, the Spikey Ninja Stars also chose poorly.

The six evil Ninja Stars suicidally swept into the blades of Ubersnake trying to poison him because they had dipped themselves in poison even though I maybe didn't mention that earlier.  Posion was the weapon of cowards, but remember that these were the zombie-milk people and that they had no honor.

Ubersnake flashed his katanae left and right and then left again for good measure, cutting off a each stellar puncta in turn on the first two and rendering them naught but circles (which is the biggest fear of stars, according to Wikipedia possibly).  The other four split up into two groups of two (because that is how division works) and attacked Ubersnake, hoping to catch him off guard.

That is not a thing that happens, however.

Ubersnake swung his body into a coil of power, his swords darting out to de-eye the stars in turn.

"Oww oww oww. We are blind!" they cried out.  But they did not reconsider their folly, much like how the fool does not reconsider eating a hot-pocket during either the cooking of it in the microwave or the cooling off of it on the plate.  That foolishness is much akin to the foolishness of the Spikey Ninja Stars, even after their de-eying.

Ubersnake, sworn to uphold the Bushido Code, however, continued his onslaught and quickly dispatched three of the remaining stars, leaving just one, which felt much less confident in his course, much like when you see an attractive girl and go to ask her a question like how do you find this derivative but then you see that she is not quite so attractive from the front and instead you just spill fruit punch on her.  That is what the sole surviving Spikey Ninja Star was like.

"No...No...," it gasped, "do not kill me! I will tell you anything you want!"

Ubersnake stabbed it through it's brain, because Ubersnake does not trust traitors.

"Whoa," said Pepe, "you do not mess around, Ubersnake."

And he was right because Ubersnake does not do that thing which is messing around.

 

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