Ubersnake vs. Things that Happen to Ubersnake: An Ubersnake Novel

Ubersnake is a magical snake. He has no hands, but plenty of heart! Read about all of Ubersnake's adventures vs. the things that oppose Ubersnake! Read them now!


5. Ubersnake vs. the Red Lights

Ubersnake had just finished not messing around and stabbing the chainsaw-flipper walrus through the skull part, and now his thoughts turned towards the evil corporation that had most likely sent them to try to spill the blood from his snakeveins.  It had been many years, perhaps like six or so, since the Super Hydraulic Concrete and Destruction Emporium ("SHCaDE" for short, which made it not such an easy to pronounce initialism) had plotted the zombification of the greater Los Angelos area by putting zombie poison stuff into the San Francisco water supply.

This plan would have failed even without the awesomeness of Ubersnake foiling their plans like a pustulous boil spoiling a good butt, mostly because the cartographers at planners at SHCaDE are a group of blinded mules with no tongues and a poor spatial perception, but it was not the first time that Ubersnake had foiled one of their poorly carried-out plans. 

But right now, Ubersnake knew that he had to get his Ubersnakemobile to their headquarters, which were in Des Moines for tax reasons, which meant a very long trip across I-80 in Illinois, which has very few useful stops and almost no katana-sharpening stores along it's long, long, border.  And a bigger problem for Ubersnake would be making his way onto the Interstate from where he was, which was at a convenience store on the north side of Chicago (Addison and Clark, to be exact).

Luckily, the old, decrepit ball-park that had once scarred this area of Chicago had been razed and turned into a Walmart (which transition had been greeted by several days of mirthful partying and dancing by local residents who were sick of jerkos from the suburbs coming and taking all the good parking spots...also, now, low prices on everyday goods at Walmart!) and Ubersnake was able to pick up sundry supplies, including three machetes, two Coleman lanterns, and some very nice bar glasses that were on sale.  Also he picked up some Kit Kats and Mountain Dew.

He then began the slow crawl across the Jewel of Illinois's North Side on Belmont Avenue over towards Lake Shore Drive.  This consisted of about six blocks and about six red lights.

And lo! The red lights of the traffic control devices did channel the Luciferian glow of Mephistophales himself.  Hours passed with no progress.  Kit Kats and Mountain Dews aplenty were et and drinked by Ubersnake and Pepe, who tried to pass the time in pleasant conversation, even though Ubersnake did not actually say things and Pepe did all of the actual talk talk talking.

"So Ubersnake," spake Pepe, "did I ever tell you about how I learned to talk?"

Ubersnake had not, but did not say so.  Ubersnake does not admit weakness, whether it be ignorance of the education of a maggot or his spotty command of the quadratic formula.

"It all started when I was just a tiny little pupa--hey did you know that pupa is the name for a "doll" in Latin? Yeah! it's totally true...also the word larva is the word for ghost in Latin.  So anyway, I was just minding my own business as a little pupa rolled up in kind of like a ball or an egg or something or whatever it is I hatched out of when all of a sudden I felt these magical rays shooting over me like magical rays or something.  Also I am saying all this in a Mexican accent even though you might not be able to detect that if you happened to be reading a transcript of my words."

Ubersanke did not indicate that he had heard the maggot talking to him from his sombrero, but Pepe continued.

"So these magical rays washed over me and I was gifted with supernatural maggot-telligence, which mostly means that I can talk and I can understand the rudiments of things like chemistry and Latin.  E Pluribus Donut and all that."

Ubersnake's knowledge of all things Latinate was flawless, but he didn't stop the chittering maggot jawing away at his ears.  Ubersnake was nothing if not a gentleman.  Besides, he was eating a  Kit Kat.

"When they discovered that I was different than all the other writing maggots, they sent me away to a special school in France.  They weren't sure what to do with me because I wasn't aye a girl or bee a snake, but they figured that it was the closest thing for me.  I took all kinds of classes there, but I especially liked my horseback-burrowing and sombrero-sitting classes.  I'm not much of a leader, you see.

Ubersnake saw.

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