Ubersnake vs. Things that Happen to Ubersnake: An Ubersnake Novel

Ubersnake is a magical snake. He has no hands, but plenty of heart! Read about all of Ubersnake's adventures vs. the things that oppose Ubersnake! Read them now!


8. Ubersnake Vs. the Maternal Instinct

The tea was suprisingly good.

Ubersnake sipped the Earl Gray (Gray? Grey? now I want tea...AFK...grr honey is all clumped up...what's the trick? you put it in pot of boiling water or something? AFK again, sry spr srysly.   AHHHHHHHHHH I PUT THE HONEY IN THE BOILING WATER AND THEN TOOK IT OUT AND TOOK OUT THE CAP AND PUT MY NOSE IN IT TO SMELL TO SEE IF IT WAS MELTED WHY WOULD I DO THAT OHMYGOD OHMYGOD NOW MY NOSE IS ALL STICKY GET IT OFF GET IT OFF).

The old crone eyed Ubersnake underneath her super-floppy pointy witches hat.  She had a green warty face and a bumpy green nose that was her nose, not a false one, and also a long black robe.  She cut a pretty striking figure, menacing and creepy all at once, which, I suppose, isn't really that big of an accomplishment.

"Do you like the tea?" she crooned, "I made it with the bones of freshly ground baby seals. The super soft and cuddly ones with the big eys that say 'please stop clubbing my baby seal brother, take me instead oww oww you're clubbing me now.'"

Ubersnake suspected that the tea was not made from baby seal bones, but rather with regular tea, since the box was still sitting on the counter, but Ubersnake is polite to old ladies. That's why he gets all da hoes. And by hoes, I mean that he goes to the hardware store, buys garden hoes, and helps old women to weed their garden.  Although this may not actually be what hoes are for, since my own knowledge of gardening is middling at best, but I know it includes biting off rabbit testes.

Ubersnake went "hiss hiss" in response and took another draught of the tea, looking hopefully at a plate of cooling scawns (this is a real variant spelling. Look it up.) sitting on the counter.  Pepe stayed silent and gnawed with his maggot-teeth on a Werther's Original and drank a ginger ale, for old women always cometh bearing gingerale and hard candies.

"I see that you envy my bakery, Ubersnake Serpentsson, son of Supersnake, Scion of the Quinotaur," spake the wise woman, and the tray of scawns floated to rest next to some obviously-not-baby-seal-blood jelly on which someone had crossed out "Welch's" and written "Totally Baby Seal Blood Jelly."

Ubersnake devoured severally.

"Now," continued the crone, "that I have fulfilled the ancient duties of hospitality and you have given me gifts of gold and lambswool scarfs, perhaps we can discuss that which needs to be discussed."

Ubersnake continued.  The Rites of Harussdusk had been indeed been completed. Besides the tea and scarfs, they had done the dance of a thousand lighting bugs and participated in the slow dance of the unstrung violas.  Ubersnake set the tea aside and gazed deeply at the crone.

The old woman met his gaze.  "You know," she began, "she still thinks of you."

If Ubersnake was the type of Ubersnake that could be suprised, he would have been suprised.  But Ubersnake did not take things in a suprised nature.  Rather he was like the carnivorous flower that floats on the wind and stings like the bee, but in his own time and with the patience of a cunning many-striped ocelot.  Ubersnake continued to glare unsuprisingly snake-like at the old woman, but did spare an extra "hiss."

"She has never extinguished the torch she bears for you, nor you her, I see, for your love for her beats true in your non-four-chambered-snakeheart and climbs yet even into your little snakeyes [it is okay if you pronounce this as "snakey-eyes"].  Even after Vienna, she never gave up hope for you.  Can you not see that your two snake tails should not be entwined in the deadly dance of death, but rather the deadly dance of lovedeath?  There is still time, Ubersnake.  Still time for love. Da doo daaa dooo!"

Pepe was weeping little maggot tears now with whipers of "awww awwww" and "so beautiful" and "I wish I had a francheezie."

"I can lead you to her, we can rebuild your love, we have the technology.  There are maps, secret maps that will take you to her.  You will know the truth when you see her.  She still loves you, Ubersnake."

Ubersnake, however, as stone-hearted as an Italian parakeet, turned away, no tears showing on his double-lidded eyes.  He knew that he still loved her, knew that she still loved him.

But moreso, he knew that one of them could only survive as long as the other died.

And with that, Ubersnake turned back to the Grendalspawner, five pointed palm exploding heart techniqued her, gathered up the backpack displaying Spongebob Squarepants that held the secret maps to which she had referred, and headed off to meet his love.

Here's a poem and shit about sad love stuff:

Roses are red

Stab stab stab

OWWWWWW my eyeball parts!

Why are you stabing my coreas?!



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