Ubersnake vs. Things that Happen to Ubersnake: An Ubersnake Novel

Ubersnake is a magical snake. He has no hands, but plenty of heart! Read about all of Ubersnake's adventures vs. the things that oppose Ubersnake! Read them now!

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6. Ubersnake vs. the LSD Buccaneers

It was an unfortunate time for Chicago to be attacked by pirates, but nonetheless, that is how fate works often.  You are trying to drive to Des Moines, and BAM! Pirates!  Also maybe BAM! Herpes! but that is more a thing that happens when you are not looking because they put that mask on you.

And thus, after the torturously slow crawl over to Lake Shore Drive, Ubersnake was greeted by seeing the Chicago part of Lake Michigan overrun by pirates with their wooden parrots and legs all up on their shoulders and whatnot.  Ubersnake was non-plussed, but hunkered down and did what he needed to do to protect his beloved Chicago, the City of Big, Windy Shoulders.

Harpoons and cannon balls rained down from the large triple-master (which is totally a type of ship, you can wikipedia it) in the harbor.  And at the helm of yon shippe was Captain Bloode, who was very sensitive about the spelling and pronunciation of his name whenever telemarketers would call.  "Mr. Blood?" they would ask, and he would always correct them by saying "Sigh, it's Bloooooooooode, rhymes with mood-hay."

Invariably, they would ask what "mood-hay" was and he would again consider chaning it from "Bloode" to something more pirate-like like "Mr. Cutlass."  However, since everyone called him D.B. (his first name was Daniel), he thought it would only cause more problems when he introduced himself as "D.B." and then had to explain that his given name was Daniel Bloode and not Daniel Cutlass and about the telemarketers and everything, and, well, it just seemed like a hard way to pick up chicks.

But at that moment, Captain Bloode was not thinking of nominal misfortunes, but rather of the spilling of the innards of the good folk at the Belmont Harbor onto the decks of their schooners and other boating vehicles.  Slashing viciously with his sabre and punch-dirk (the sabre was another reason why he shied away from "Captain Cutlass"), he was carving a veritable swath of destruction across the deck of a small yacht called the "Pinto Maria," whose occupants were gnashing and moaning out "Oh no! it's Captain Blood who will surely kill us!"  And after he heard them mispronounce his name, the good Captain vowed to do much worse than just disembowel them.

Ubersnake needed to act fast if he was going to help put an end to the pirate's happy killing.

Unfortunately, parking can be a bit of a trick over there (it's residential parking zone 383) and Ubersnake did not have the approriate vehicular credentials to just park on the street.  Luckily, after an hour of circling around the block, he was able to parallell park the Ubershankemobile in a space recently vacated by a pickup truck full of ladders and other construction equipment.

This only moderate delay left many more people at the mercy of the wicked Captain Bloode before Unbersnake could get there.  Luckily, after carefully parking his care and turning the wheel appropriately so that if his car started rolling, it would bank gently into the curb, Ubersnake sprang forth and flew using his magic winged belt (which is also invisible, which is why you don't see it when I draw pictures of Ubersnake.  For example the one on the cover) over toward the pirate captain, resplendent in a yellow ascot and colorful four-cornered tricone.

"Hiss hiss," hissed Ubersnake, letting Captain Bloode know that he was a snake with whom it would be unwise to trifle.  Captain Bloode pirate-saluted with his sabre as a sign of respect and then strode towards Ubersnake in his fashionable boots.  The Captain was wearing the boots, not Ubersnake, for snakes do not have feets.

Bloode started with a vicious slash towards Ubersnake's hemipenis but Ubersnake rolled deflty into a coil and to the left, keeping his hemipenis intact and safe.  The Captain's follow-up thrust with his dirk met with similar futility.  Meeting with futility was the fate of many of the attacks brought forth against Ubersnake on account of his skill at arms and so on and so forth.

Ubersnake countered with a series of whirling attacks, his dual katanae spinning through the air like those little pinwheel things you see in summer time which are called "pinwheels."  A low hum caused by the passing of vibrating air against the singing-steel provided a musical background to their danse de la morte punctuated by the ring of steel on adamantium when each met the attack of the other.

After a few minutes, his arms beginning to tire (not enough cardio, tsk...), the Captain did some kind of summersault thingie backwards over a deck chair and kicked it at Ubersnake to buy himself some time to catch a breath and maybe drink a Coke or something.  Ubersnake dodged out of the way of the chair and then turned invisible, which is another power that his flying belt gives him.

The Captain looked around nervously and quickly, scanning for any sight of his scaled foe.  He swung his weapons wildly in a defensive pattern as he worked his way backwards to the minifridge on the boat where they were fighting, keeping both eyes wild and searching.

Just as he reached into the fridge to retreive a crimson can, he felt the corded muscle of reptilian death wrap around his neck.

Ubersnake re-apperated into the visible spectrum and gave the Captain a "hiss hiss" as their eyes met.

Then he sank his fangs through the Captain's eyeballs and into his brain part.

Captain Bloode would not need to worry about telemarketers any more.

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