Ubersnake vs. Things that Happen to Ubersnake: An Ubersnake Novel

Ubersnake is a magical snake. He has no hands, but plenty of heart! Read about all of Ubersnake's adventures vs. the things that oppose Ubersnake! Read them now!


7. Ubersnake vs. the Blood of a Thousand Jujubes

As Captain Bloode sank to the ground, his innards now peppering the ground like so much pepper on so much ground, Ubersnake once again took survey of his surroundings.  There was a locked door, above which read the sign "CAPTAIN'S QUARTERS! KEEP OUT MOM!"  Ubersnake was not sure if Bloode had missed a comma and if the ex-captain's progenitrix was the direct object or direct adressee in the note. 

Either way, Ubersnake thought that it would be a pretty good trap if you could get someone to open the door, and then instead of it being the cabin's quarters it was instead just a small room full of bitey-bite-bite bugs dripping in acid-venom-sucralose.  But Ubersnake also knew that Captain Bloode was not so smart like the leopard, who devours his prey in the night, but instead foolish like the lemur, who devours the feces of his prey in the night.

Ergo, Ubersnake was not worried about the sucralosey bugs as he Ubersnaked his way to the door.  Using his skull-powers, Ubersnake reached out with invisable force and swung the Captain's door open.

A shoe fell down from where it had been placed above the door as a booby-trap.  Sad, because what kind of moron traps a door with a shoe?  A moron-stinkhead does that kind of thing.

Pepe maggot-squeaked, "Ubersnake, that was a close one!  What if the shoe had been a cat-o-nine tails, or the 3rd complete season of Webster, now available on DVD in special Collector's Edition? Whew."

Ubersnake ignored the inane chittering from the maggot in his sombrero.  [Author's note: Go back and re-read that last sentence?  Isn't that a great sentence?  I'm such a great writer.]  He had foreseen the Webster-shoe possibility already for he has skull-powers, forsooth.

Looking around the room, Ubersnake noticed the typical accoutraments of a psychopathic war-criminal.  Anime DVD's, crumpled cans of Jolt and Mountain-Dew, and creepy, fuzzy pictuers of 1998 Sarah Michelle Geller decorated the room like so much nerdaphanalia.  Ubersnake knew then that Bloode must have had some kind of pretty sick, twisted mind.  He was glad that his beloved Chicago would no longer be at the mercy of such a monster.  Sarah Michelle Geller...shudder.

Then, Ubersnake spotted what he was looking for among a stack of burrito-stained notes on how to beat the classic sidescroller Zeliard: a puce envelope labelled "Zee Zecret Inztructions for zee attack oun Zhicago."  It was signed with a reptilian lipstick kiss.  A lump formed in Ubersnake's stomache.  He knew that kiss.

Ubersnake opened up the envelope, ready to see schimatics, lists of targets, and detailed instructions, all written in a French Sexy Accent.

What he didn't expect was what he found: a single piece of parchment paper, on which, written in the blood of a thousand jujubes, were the words "I have you now, mon ami. Le hiss hiss."

Then the trap sprung.

A loud thuddering shook the deck.  Then it hit Ubersnake and pieces began to fall into place, like prime numbers through the Sieve of Eratosthanes.  Ubersnake remembered where he had encountered this story before:  Filthy Monster taken down by a virtuous hero; a garbage-filled midden for a room; an unwelcome siege against virtuous townspeople.  It was Beowolf all over again.

And then he heard the monster's mother.

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