Ubersnake vs. Things that Happen to Ubersnake: An Ubersnake Novel

Ubersnake is a magical snake. He has no hands, but plenty of heart! Read about all of Ubersnake's adventures vs. the things that oppose Ubersnake! Read them now!


4. Ubersnake vs. the Background Information

Ubersnake had once learned an important lessong about not messing around, and he had learned it from the snake that he had once loved and had made kissy face with.  Her name was Untersnake and this is their story.

Ubersnake had been an orphan.  Most people had always assumed that his parents had been Awesomeness and Chuck Norris, but they would be wrong, because from neither of the loins of those two things was Ubersnake the fruit.

Nay, Ubersnake had been destined for greatness, but you would not have known that from his humble surroundings, although there were a lot of fireworks and Creepy Mystics whispering Magical Prophecies about the birth of this snake.  It started in Nebraska, which is one of the states that people forget about, even if you ask them to name a bunch of states that starts with N.  After they get done with your list and you tell them that they forgot Nebraska, they will say, "Oh yeah, Nebraska," but secretly they still do not care.

Outside of Grand Island, north on I-281, there is a giant castle made out of obsidian, jade, and lava.  There is a moat filled with alligators who breath knives at intruders and a pit and a portculis and everything else that would be awesome.  Like gargoyles and maybe an ice cream stand.  This is where young Ubersnake was raised.

The Lord of this might castle, which was named "DeathRock," was Baron Otto Von Stabstab (which means "of the statstab" in the Deustch).  The good Baron was out taking a ride on his battlellama one night when he noticed a small wicker basket with a little note tied to it.  Confused but intrigued, he got off his battlellama, who was named Starshine Sparkles, and carefully removed the blanket covering the basket.

Suddenly, the most awesome snake in the world sprang out from beneath the blanket and latched onto Baron Von Stabstab's nose, injecting his magic little posion in the cutest fasion possible.  The Baron, who had spent years inuring himself to Iocane, did not feel the immediate sting and death that such a poison would produce in lesser mortals, found himself looking into the most adorable deep black eyes of a baby snakeling and fell in love with the little herpetile.

Von Stabstab spared no expense in rasing the young ophid, whom he named Ubersnake.  Little Ubersnake was exposed to only the finest of fencing teachers and stinkiest of cheeses.  Trained in several types of martial arts and French cooking styles, Ubersnake was a paragon of versatility and the apple of his father's horribly disfigured face (it turns out that Ubersnake does not envenomate only with Iocane).

And then one day, the Baron brought home a new snake, who was called Untersnake.  Untersnake had been trained at Miss Froofroo's School for Gifted Snakes in Paris and she hissed with a sexy French accent. "Le hiss hiss," she would hiss.  Shapely, svelte, and smart, Untersnake was everything that a young Ubersnake could have ever asked for.  Also she was good at lasers and junk.

At this point, Ubersnake's schooling took a decidedly martial bent, with more emphasis on firearms and psychic abilities.  Moreover, he was now paired with Untersnake as she learned both the ropes and heavy weaponry.  Von Stabstab began sending them on training missions to far away places like Bangkok, Vladivostok, and Peoria to perfect their ninja arts.

As both rivals and partners, the two young snakes fell in love and spike traps sometimes.  On secret missions they would go, but their most secret secret mission was to keep their love for each other from Von Stabstab for the good baron (who was not really good, but rather neutral-evil) disapproved of feelings like love and influenza.  Both knew that to reveal their love openly would be the end of their time together.

Although they could not hold hands or play footsie under the table or anything, the glances that they gave each other from their creepy snake eyes was enough for each to confirm that indeed the feelings that they had in their three-chambered hearts was real. 

But then everything changed in Vienna.

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