Ubersnake vs. Things that Happen to Ubersnake: An Ubersnake Novel

Ubersnake is a magical snake. He has no hands, but plenty of heart! Read about all of Ubersnake's adventures vs. the things that oppose Ubersnake! Read them now!


1. Ubersnake Vs. The Spooky Ghosts

 It was morning when Ubernsake woke up.  Ubersnake does not have any hands or legs or things so he did not have to worry about pulling the blanket off of himself.  Instead, he just kind of slithered out from under the covers and went to make himself a smoothie.

Making a smoothie can be hard for some snakes because of their lack of hands and whatnot, but not for Ubersnake, because he is a magical snake who has Ubersnakepowers.  Also, the smoothie would have delicious strawberries and chocolates inside of it because that is the way Ubersnake likes his smoothies.

So after extricating himself (Ubersnake is a boy because he has a penis) from his blankets and slithering smoothly to the kitchen, adeptly making the transition from polished hardwood to linoleum on his scaley, yet attractively supple, underskin.  Also, he has awesome Star Wars sheets on his bed.  And not crappy Ewok ones, but rather the totally sweet ones with Darth Vader and Han Solo and stuff.  He had to get out of the sheets, too, but he was able to do that too.  And in fine fashion indeed.

Unfortunately, when Ubersnake was almost to his smoothie maker, he was attacked by Spooky Ghosts.

There were six Spooky Ghosts.  Ubersnake flicked his Ubertongue out a few times so that he could use his magical heat-seeking tongue powers to assertain if these were just regular Spooky Ghosts or if they were special Spooky Ghosts that bled acid or ate kittens or something.

The Spooky Ghosts were just regular Spooky Ghosts, it turned out.  Like most Spooky Ghosts, they were going to be a nuisance until Ubersnake did their bidding, burying their bodies or disembowling their archnemeses or something.  Ubersnake was pretty happy that he remembered that the correct plural form of nemesis was eta-sigma and not an epsilon-sigma.  But Ubersnake also remembered that you do not transliterate the eta as a macroned "e" in non-formal situations.

The Spooky Ghost Leader did not really care about sigmas and diacritical marks, though, because he had majored in business or communications, or kitten-eating, or something else that did not require him to take stupid Ancient Greek and not be able to get a real job later in life.  Instead the Spooky Ghost Leader was upset about Spooky matters like how he and his five companions would have to be restless spirits for eternity instead of getting to flit about in the underworld or heaven or hell or something.  "Uuuuubbbbbbeeerrrrsnaaaaake.......youuuuuu....musssssttttttt......heeeeellllllppp.......ussssssss," he said.

Ubersnake hissed a few times.  Not a threatening "Imma bite u" hiss, more like a friendly "hows it going with those herpes" kind of hiss. 

"Pppplllleeeeeaaasse reeeeleeaaassssse uuuuusssss frrroooooommmm ooooouuuurrr tooorrrrmmmeennnt..." moaned the Spooky Ghost, apparently hoping that Ubersnake would do something besides hissing inquisitively about the SPooky Ghost's Ghost Herpes (which were not flaring up atm btw).  "IIIIIIIIi bbbrrrouuugggghht thhhiiiisssss maaaappp toooo thhhheeee laiiiiirrrrr of thhhheeeee piiiiirrrraaattttee kiiiinnnngg whooo..."

At this point, Ubersnake grew impatient with all the vocular elongations of the Spooky Ghost Leader and he used his Ubersnakepowers to make the Spooky Ghost Leader talk normally and not like a stupid asshole.

"....killed us on his pirate ship after capturing us at sea while we were hunting sea turtles with whale harpoons and ropes made out of kitten intestines," finished the Spooky Ghost Leader.

Ubersnake looked at the Ghosts again, hissing pleasantly and wagging his little tail on the ground.  He looked through the Spooky Ghosts again at his smoothie maker.  The strawberries and chocolate yet remained in the refrigerator with Ubersnake's leftover P.F. Chang's from the night before.  Ubersnake had been in the bathroom like forever with horrible diarreha the night before.  At least he had had the good sense to turn the TV to face the toilet because there was a Psych mini-marathon on.  Ubersnake enjoyed the show because it was delightful.  Also he had really enjoyed Mr. Bernsen's work in "Minor League 4: Everyone Gets Ebola."

The Spooky Ghost Leader produced the treasure map that he had in his ghost pocket or something and laid on the floor in front of Ubersnake so that Ubersnake could look at it.  It was covered a little bit with some grease and coffee stains.  "Sorry about the grease and coffee stains," said the Spooky Ghost Leader.  "I got hungry and we stopped at McDonald's on the way over."

The treasure map itself had little drawings of skulls and daggers all over it, but its dominatn feature was that mostly it was just a printout of the Google Maps rendition of downtown Buttsville, Massachussettes, which had been named after it's founder Reginald McDermit, but then was later lost a bet with a neighboring town and had to change its name to Buttsville.  Its major industry was the production of frog harnesses so that people could take their pet frogs out for walks without the frogs being able to escape from their horrible captivity by Buttsvillians.

Ubersnake flicked his tongue a few times at the treasure map, then he looked back at the Spooky Ghosts, who were still in his house and still keeping him from his breakfast smoothie.  Ubersnake used his Ubersnakepowers to take the map, then he returned to his bedroom where he put it into his little Ubersnakebackpack next to his comics and revolvers and such.  Then he grabbed his sobrero and sunglasses and headed for the door.

The Spooky Ghosts moaned and wailed with happiness as they realized that Ubersnake was going to help them out.  The ghostly limbs twitched merrily as they imagined the end to their horrid unlife where they spent most of their time watching people watch soap operas and memorizing the names of streets.  Also sometimes they would go for Froyo, but that is a different thing which made them unhappy. 

Also there were the Ghost Herpes.

Ubersnake took one final look at the sadly unused smoothie maker, then turned towards the door and slithered over to his Ubersnakemobile in a thoroughly awesome display of Ubersnakeness. 


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