Misconceptions of First Impressions

Who are you? Can you ever really tell without the influence of what others say? In this story Anna dictates the troubles she encounters when she is changed by the manipulation of another girl, Ulna. Once confident, independent Anna was changed by Ulna's manipulation and mind games into a timid, unsure being on the brink of suicide. When somone knows all your weaknesses and targets them, how can you not collapse?
(Closley based on a true story)


10. The phone call and the suicide

I got a phone call from England. My grandfather suffered from dementia, a brain disease close to Alzheimer’s. The previous year he attempted to rape me...

I can still recall every little detail of that evening, his hand brushing against my thigh, his unzipped trousers, his wild eyed expression. I can recall every sick, vivid detail. I despised him for it, yet I loved him more than anything at the same time. You see, when he tried this terrible manoeuvre his dementia had taken a turn for the worse. He didn’t understand what he was doing was wrong. Since that day I never talked to him, touched him or even looked at him. He tried to hug me, but he didn’t understand why I rejected him. Each time I pushed him away I saw a look in his eyes, like a child being denied love. That’s what the dementia turned him into, a child, he had to be told right from wrong. Now his care home was calling me in Croatia to tell me he was to die any minute. I couldn’t bare it! I had left him feeling guilty for a crime he probably couldn’t remember, I had left him denying him of love from his only granddaughter; I had simply left him.

From the moment I put down the receiver I locked myself in the bathroom. On the phone I tried to keep myself calm not to worry the director on the other end. In a distraught state I sat in the bathtub and wept. Feeling alone with no one to turn to at school, feeling alone with no one to turn to at home, feeling alone and hating myself. I hated my overweight body, my lack of intelligence, I hated more than anything how I left my grandfather without forgiveness. As a young child he tended to me with great care, he was my grandfather, period. Now in his time of need, with his illness I turned him away, for a crime he was oblivious was a crime at all. I could think of myself as nothing but a immoral and dispassionate person. No wonder I was alone. I wished more than anything for someone to talk to, but Ulna was denying me of that right. Before Ulna I thought I was reasonably interlectual, before Ulna I thought I was pretty, before Ulna I was confident in myself. But she made me realise all the qualitites of myself that were despicable. She made me hate myself. The problem was she just opened my eyes to my own reflection, the actual need of complete rebirth was, well, me.  With that I dragged myself to the medicine cabinet and swallowed a total of thirty assorted pills. The effect I hoped for was, death and nothing but. I fell asleep with my stomach churning in pain hoping never to wake up.

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