Confession of a Bully

There are always two parts to a story. Two sides of a coin. The one at the receiving end, and the one who does it.
Does anyone ever look at the reason for why a bully does it?
After a girl realises she has finally gone to far, she turns to her diary to write down everything. Why and how. She hopes in doing this that one day she will be forgiven.

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1. Confession of a Bully

7th February, 2012 (Tuesday)

I’m sorry for not writing in a while, but you’ll never believe what’s happened. I can barely take it in now. That girl Carol… well now she’s dead. She killed herself. I never meant it to go this far, I swear. No one knows why she did it but me. I know it’s my fault. No one’s had to say it, but I know it’s because of me. The police were round before - they told Roger and he’s been snooping round all our rooms, checking if he can find anything to incriminate us. I don’t even know why he bothered going into Tilly’s room - I mean, come on, she’s four! And she’s only just moved in! I bet she doesn’t even know Carol.

You don’t know how guilty I feel…

I hated her from the moment I saw her. She was being shown round school with her older sister and her mum and dad. Well, yeah, you can see why I hated her. But I was good… mostly. When she started at school she didn’t know anyone, and I didn’t help her at all. I turned Lily, Rachel and the rest against her. I thought she deserved it. She was too smiley, too happy, and TOO lucky. Every time she made a new friend I took them off her, and I laughed and made up rumours behind her back… but she stilled smiled. She always had her silly sister to talk to when no one else would. I felt like I was getting no where.

Eventually her sister left to go on to Uni, and that’s when I really got my claws in. I’d had to spend an entire year watching her running to a car after school, with her mum waiting inside to pick her up, and her dad always there at parents’ evenings. It just did something to me. It hurt, and I wanted her to pay for it. Every chance I got I pulled a chair out from under her, or I stuck my foot out for her to trip over. Every time she’d hit the floor it gave me a little happiness. Never thought what it was doing to her really. Didn’t care.

I guess you could say it started properly the day after the inter-house hockey match. During the match, Carol thwacked me in the shins with her stick and I got a face full of mud when I hit the ground. Everyone laughed at me, and I hated it. I felt as big as an ant. I guess I didn’t realise that that’s how I’d been making Carol feel every since she’d arrived. I only cared about myself, and how much I wanted her to pay for making a laughing stock out of me.

I guess you could say I snapped.

During school, I stopped paying attention to my grades; too busy plotting and planning against Carol. It’s not like there was anyone to tell me I was going too far, anyway. I’d skip lessons to buy things like glue and scissors from nearby shops. The first revenge plan I had, Ruby helped me out with, but my other friends said I was going too far, even then. I guess I should have seen that as the warning sign, but I was too full of vengeance.

On that day, me and Ruby snuck into school early and waited in our form-room for Carol to show up. She was always first to form, always eager to learn. Bit of a swot, really. She always said she was determined to go to Uni to make her damn parents proud. We closed the curtains and turned the lights off, then waited around for a bit. Carol showed up eventually, smiling as ever, and all on her own. I think I remember seeing Ruby falter at first, maybe having a bit of last-moment nerves, but she followed through. Now that I think about it, maybe it was because she was scared of me… Either way, she grabbed hold of Carol before the girl could grab the lights, and then I pounced, scissors raised. I’d only intended on giving her a crap haircut in the beginning; like an everlasting bed-head… but I think I got carried away. She kept screaming and struggling, and for some reason I couldn’t stop myself. I just kept snipping and yanking at her hair. I only managed to stop myself when Carol screamed something about how I’d cut her ear. In the dark, I couldn’t tell how good or bad her hair was, and I think Ruby got herself scared again because she threw open the door and tossed Carol out into the corridor.

We’d jumped out of the classroom window after that, just like we’d planned, then I threw the scissors as hard as I could into the long-grass. I panicked a bit when I saw specks of blood on my fingers, but a wiped them off and pretended it was nothing. Carol deserved it, anyway.

We showed up later to form when my other friends were there, but Carol wasn’t around. She came in later, with the teacher. When we saw how she looked, Ruby almost let out a scream so I had to stamp on her foot. I’d cut Carol’s hair ragged; in places almost scalping her, and the top of her right ear had been covered over with a large plaster. The funny thing was, I felt almost proud of my work. She looked like a pure mess. But no one was laughing at her like I’d hoped they would.

Ruby didn’t help me with any of my schemes after that. Looking back, I wish she had. Maybe she would have stopped me. Maybe she would have helped me see sense. But I didn’t.

My next revenge-plan came during our P.E class. Carol was in the showers, washing off the mud that I’d so gleefully shoved in her face, but I didn’t think that was enough. I locked her in the cubical by wedging a chair under the door, then I wait for everyone else to leave. Once it was only me and Carol left, I took her clothes and hid them. Some in worse places than others. I flushed her tie down the toilet, threw one of her shoes in the bin and launched the rest of the stuff into the boys’ changing rooms. And I never went back to let her out of the shower cubical. I guess she only got out because someone heard her screaming.

I think my friends knew I’d done it. They never spoke to me about it, but I could see a look in their eyes that seemed to be yelling at me; telling me I had to stop. But when I confronted them, they seemed to recoil away from me. I think one of them - might have been Rachel - told Carol what was going on, because the next day I was dragged off to the Head teacher’s office. The old coot grilled me, but I stuck strong. I even pretended to be insulted. Said I wanted to keep a good reputation, so why would I put that on the line just for one stupid girl. When she told me to leave her office, I even think I saw pity in her eyes. Like I needed that though. All my life I’ve been given that damn stupid look. Like I cared. If only they’d known what I’d been up to. They would have seen I was quite able to look after myself all on my own. I didn’t need anyone.

…or maybe they would have been able to stop me. Because I couldn’t look after myself all on my own. Now I know I can’t. Roger tries his best, but he can’t look after ten kids with so many issues. Damn idiot.

I’ve been racking my brains, trying to think what it was that sent Carol over the edge. I’m not really sure, any more. All of my plans seemed to mush into one, and I can’t remember which came last. I just remember seeing the smile disappear from her lips a little more with every day that passed by. And yet it wasn’t enough for me. I had to see her hurt. See her as embarrassed and low as I could get her. She needed to be well and truly humbled.

I guess I’ve finally done it too. I’ve done it. Because of me she’s killed herself. For two whole years the poor girl put up with me. Put up with my jealousy - that’s all it ever was - until she could not put up with it any longer. I hacked and hacked away at her until she finally caved in. I don’t know how far I could have gone. There are still some plans underneath my bed for what I could have done to her. Why didn’t I listen to Ruby and the others? Why didn’t the teachers do anything to stop me? They could have if they had really wanted to. It was so obvious what I’d been doing.

I’ve got to tell someone. I’m going to tell someone. Tomorrow I’m going to skip school and head to the police station with this diary. I’m telling them everything. I deserve whatever I get. For two years I was a bully and I never got called up, but now I have to stand up and take it.

Carol. I’m sorry. I’m so so so so so sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I can’t write it enough times. I’m just- I don’t know what to do. I never meant for you to do this to yourself. I wish I’d stood back and seen what I’d been doing to you. You’re going to have to forgive me for not being at your funeral. I don’t think your mum and dad or sister are going to want me there, somehow. Just know that I’m going to take my punishment for this, and that you were the luckiest girl alive. You had what I’m never going to have. A family.

Over and out for a while.

Jen x

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