Living with Teatime Journal

Based off the character Mr.Teatime from Terry Pratchett's book 'Hogfather' in the Discworld Series.

A series of diary entries about living with him in our own world. This is how I wound up with him and what has been happening thereforth

NOTE: I do not own this character, I didn't make him up. He was created by Terry Pratchett, author of the Discworld Series.


5. Entry #5 The Carnival, Part 2

When I regained mobility I made my way to the carnival. Teatime had long disappeared, it seemed he had gotten bored with watching me twitch on the floor, but at least I knew where he was headed. At this point, anyone might wonder, having been relieved of his watchful eyes why I still came after him. But the truth was that once I was involved, I would never be un-involved, he was a one-man gang and he’d always find me again.

When I got to the carnival I saw him standing at a game stand, one of those ‘throw the darts into the balloons’ games. The man at the other side of the stall seemed unphased by Teatime’s strange appearance, “hit the balloons, three darts for a dollar. Wanna go?” he said.

“I’ll take three darts” Teatime replied. He inspected one of them, examining it’s pointy tip and plastic wings at the end, “straight glide,” he muttered to himself. He threw a dart and it popped a balloon in the very centre, “but overall bluntness,” he finished sounding self-satisfied. He pocked the other two darts and searched around in his pockets. He took out a large throwing knife, “how about we make this more interesting?”

“Hey kid, you can’t use that!” replied the man. In a flash Teatime gripped the man by the collar and held him over the counter, the man gulped as he felt a knife point press lightly onto his stomach. Teatime muttered something I couldn’t hear but the man seemed apparently happy to let Teatime use him own knives afterwards.

When he was done he turned to walk away from the stall and spotted me. He had won a giant teddy bear, well, whether he had actually won it was arguable, but the intimidating sight was unbearable, I had never seen a teddy bear look so frightening. Without warning he shoved the toy into my arms, “You came! I was wondering. I was watching you twitch but it took too long. Amazing what an electric pulse can do, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, yeah,” I mumbled into fluff of the teddy bear, “amazing.”


Next he dragged me off to a magic show which I was already beginning to have terrible doubts about. The magician and his assistant came on stage and claimed to the audience that he would be sawing his assistant in half.

Teatime first watched in wonderment at the act, then in boredom, the act had gone off without a hitch and my sense of anxiety began to fade. “That illusion was the pettiest I’ve ever seen from a man that calls himself a wizard,” Teatime pouted. Before I had a chance to reply he had disappeared, I looked up to the stage in horror to see him engaged in polite conversation with the ‘wizard’.

“Ladies and Gentlemen,” said the magician through the microphone to the chatting and slowly dispersing crowd, “there is one more act that has been volunteered to play, this um, young lad wishes, er to re-perform my magical sawing act to the audience.”

When the crowd was back in front of the stage and the assistant in her box, the magician hurriedly explained in whispers and gestures of what to do, but Teatime waved him away in confidence.

Teatime smiled to the audience and brandished the saw for all to see, then he began sawing. The crowd stood and watched dumbfounded as he sawed the trapped assistant in half. It was my worst nightmares come true, though it wasn’t happening to me, this time I was partly responsible for it happening and I’ve officially been put off magic acts for the rest of my life.

Screams echoed through the hall as he finally pulled the two halves apart, a lump of organs and blood spilled out as he separated the halves, the hall was in chaos. Teatime smiled at the hysterical crowd, his face splattered in blood. He raised the bloody saw and took the microphone from the unresisting hands of the ‘wizard’, “and that is how you do it,” he said.

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