Today will end in tears.

Today is the cruellest day of the year. Today things will be worse than usual. Today will end in tears.

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1. The beginning of the end

 

 

Its non-uniform day at my all-girls school, and as I walk through the doors I feel their eyes on me. In a school of stick-thin, spray tanned and platinum blondes, I stick out like a sore thumb. The other girls in my year stare at me, pursing their glossy lips as their heavily lashed eyes scan me up and down. I can tell what they're thinking as they raise their perfectly groomed eyebrows at each other, but even if I couldn’t I would know, because some of them don’t even bother to be discrete. They erupt into peals of laughter, which cuts me like the razor I use each night. After a while, they get bored and they glide past me, but as they do they push me, shove me, pinch me till my eyes fill with tears and I have no choice but to run to the bathroom, before they see, because once they do it will get much, much worse. 

 

The bathroom has been a home to me for the past three years, since it all started. It’s dark, and cold and forgotten, so I’m always the only one in there, which is perfect. I slide down the wall and curl up into a ball on the damp floor and let go, the tears fall to the floor like hail stones and my eyes sting. But I don’t care, I don’t feel it, I haven’t felt anything in a long time. That’s why I resort to the razor, it’s the only way I stop the numbness that has become my life. I grab my bag and search through it till i find it, secreted in a back pocket; I drag out my shiny, silver razor blade but as I dig it into my flesh, as the blood seeped out of the wound I feel nothing. Pure nothingness. I'm empty. 

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