Today will end in tears.

Today is the cruellest day of the year. Today things will be worse than usual. Today will end in tears.

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4. Dreams turn to dust

 

 

I don't know how long it is before I come around, every part of my body throbbing, as though I have been beaten... then I remember. I open my eyes and wait for the black dots to turn into colour, then shapes appear and I find myself lying in the dark classroom. They have all gone of course; they never wait to see if I wake up. Sometimes... sometimes I pray that I didn't wake up, that I’m dead. Death seems to be the only way I can escape the dark pit of misery that is my life, I can't run away, I have no money and nowhere to go, every day the thought of suicide becomes more and more inviting. That would show them. I would love to see their faces when they announce it in assembly, they don't think I have the guts, I can't even tell the teachers what is happening, let alone take my own life.

 

But how would I do it? Pills? they don't always work, I read in a newspaper one about a girl who tried 4 times to commit suicide before it actually worked, I can't do anything right, so there is no way I’d be able to overdose properly.

 

I could always do my wrists... I’m used to cutting myself, it wouldn't be very hard, how does the saying go? Down the river not across the stream... maybe for once I would feel something real.

 

I can’t get a gun from anywhere, though that would really make a statement. I hate the idea of hanging, it’s brutal and I can’t stand feeling claustrophobic which I know I would do, or i could drink something strong, like disinfectant. But that would burn like hell. 

 

 

My mind wanders and eventually I realize I need to get up, so I scrape myself off the floor, my head spins and I have to sit down. I’m covered in blood, really covered, my arm feels broken, my ribs are definitely cracked. I lift my head from between my knees and see myself; I’m still lying on the classroom floor. My eyes are closed. I’m not moving. 

 

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