Full of Emptiness

This is my story. Full of emptiness is about my fight growing up after childhood abuse. Without telling a soul I have fought the emptiness and this is a story of my thoughts throughout my life.

Events like this leave you closed with a lot of noise in your head, and an infinite amount of questions. This is my attempt and determination 20 years on, not to let it ruin my life.

Reality is often gruesome, and my story is covered in detail. Please be advised.

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5. The Small things in life

Its the small things that count...

 

I look in my wife's eyes everyday feeling I betray her by not telling. I know she will be supportive of me if I do tell but I just can't do it, not that I don't trust her - I do, with my life. Maybe its the one thing I can't share openly with anyone. Ever? I've never tried telling her but every time I think of it, in my mind I try to think of someone else, as you would trying to avoid another person's direct question in a conversation. 

If I trust for her so much, then why can I not tell her?

 

My wife is the first person I have really trusted in my life. I trust my parents and siblings but have never been open with them. A lot of people trust me and I believe I have earned it, but I don't have to trust them in return do I? It's these complexities in human relations that I can't figure out.

I believe I have blended in socially all my life but honestly, I have been on the sidelines looking in. I just don't have certain feelings people do and usually start off with any relationship, be it a friend, colleague or someone passing by with how and why they would be untrustworthy. Why can't I just think of any positives first?

 

I never have got close to anyone, maybe the fear of betrayal has stopped me doing so, yet still I feel an emotional link to them. Its a hard feeling to describe. Its like there's another person inside of me telling me to just let my guards down and trust in these people, building the emotional link yet the other person is stopping me from doing so.

In a US TV show called Dexter, he would describe it has his dark passenger. Dexter is great in trying to help me understand myself. Asides from him being a serial killer, the show dissects his character and studies at the reasons why he is what he is and strikingly I feel a lot of his feelings. Not to the point that I need to kill though.

I have to live with this constant battle of the good side, which I want to believe is me naturally and the 'dark passenger' which I believe is a part of me because of Tom. But what if I'm naturally the 'dark passenger' and the good side in me is because of the what Tom did to me? Can I, and should I blame all of the negative in me on him?
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