Full of Emptiness

This is my story. Full of emptiness is about my fight growing up after childhood abuse. Without telling a soul I have fought the emptiness and this is a story of my thoughts throughout my life.

Events like this leave you closed with a lot of noise in your head, and an infinite amount of questions. This is my attempt and determination 20 years on, not to let it ruin my life.

Reality is often gruesome, and my story is covered in detail. Please be advised.

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7. Satisfaction of Routines

The abuse started off with just me  forced to give a blow-job. After a while it became more sexual for him and I wasn't released so easily. 

Ejaculating from the oral wasn't satisfying enough now so I was given a tub of Nivea cream to lubricate his penis which was to be forced into my anus. The oral was disgusting physically but anal sex was disgusting as well as very painful. Thinking of the pain still scares me today. That didn't stop him though. He would ejaculate again, with the usual panting and clean me up. Occasionally he would repeat the latter two or three times. 

The pain would remain even when I was let out to go home. I remember feeling the pain and walking slower then usual, whilst trying to hide the limp caused by the excruciating pain. I would see many people on the way home but covered the pain and limp enough not to arouse suspicion - this was our secret. 

I do remember a deep sense of loyalty for some reason. I don't know why, but it was just there. 

Tom had a born again Christian as a tutor who used to teach him after school initially in a centre which closed down due to some reason. The tutor's link with faith is engrained in me because I remember thinking why his tutor didn't tell him, what he was doing was hurting me, at that time I would refer to the physical rather then the emotional pain - though somehow I did have enough of a concept of religion and morality that I would associate the two together. 

I can't remember the tutors name but he was a towering figure with strawberry blonde hair, and a medium build with wide shoulders. He had been to prison and would be the topic of conversation many a time on the estate. His arms were covered in tattoos, I can't remember what of but he had a lot. 

I liked him because he came once and interrupted Tom as he was just about to get started with me. 

I think that was the only time I had seen a slight show of frustration in Tom. 
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