Full of Emptiness

This is my story. Full of emptiness is about my fight growing up after childhood abuse. Without telling a soul I have fought the emptiness and this is a story of my thoughts throughout my life.

Events like this leave you closed with a lot of noise in your head, and an infinite amount of questions. This is my attempt and determination 20 years on, not to let it ruin my life.

Reality is often gruesome, and my story is covered in detail. Please be advised.

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3. Questions.

I wake up sometimes angry, but not knowing the reason why? Other days I'm quite similar to someone under the influence of a happy pill! At 27, I believe I should know more about myself and why I feel a certain way, but the truth is there are millions of questions I cannot answer. I try to look at a psychological approach, Freud's theory on childhood experiences is an easy answer but does not satisfy me totally.  I understand the abuse as left a mark on me and helped shape the way I am, but can it have changed me 100%? Is my current character a conception of Tom's? I find it hard to believe.  Everything I do I wonder if it is me naturally or because of him? I'm a calm and collected person and often called charming. Is this me or did I pick these traits up from him? I could  mention many instance where I have asked myself this question. I am what I am but, I have a family of my own now. Beautiful wife and a son, nearly 4. I am protective of him, like all parents. My parents were very protective, yet the hunter always seems to get his prey. That is what worries me.  I try to think back through the hazy memories and see how I acted, what alert signals I gave and how my parents could have probed to find out if I was OK?  I don't blame my parents at all. They are great and always have been, but didn't see this coming. These are the thoughts worry me.  I wouldn't wish sexual abuse on anyone and even though I have lived with it all my life, I couldn't bare to see my child in harm's way.  Maybe it's these thoughts that subconsciously make me angry? It's a weird feeling to live with.  All these questions and many more that are unanswered.  Trust is something I haven't fully learnt yet. My wife is one of the first people in my life I have told a lot of secrets to. Don't get me wrong I'm quite sociable but I find it hard to trust people, and don't understand why I need to? I've always been alone and don't know what it's like to have someone you can fully trust. I try being open with my wife but could never tell her about this could I?

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