Full of Emptiness

This is my story. Full of emptiness is about my fight growing up after childhood abuse. Without telling a soul I have fought the emptiness and this is a story of my thoughts throughout my life.

Events like this leave you closed with a lot of noise in your head, and an infinite amount of questions. This is my attempt and determination 20 years on, not to let it ruin my life.

Reality is often gruesome, and my story is covered in detail. Please be advised.


8. Liar

I have a strong loyalty to the family members and the very few close friends I have. The close friends though are still at a distance, while I try to bring them closer the dark passenger wins the battle on this. 

My whole life I have lived with this and feel I have lied, or even betrayed my parents by not telling them, more so I've lied to myself often using 'it happened a long time ago, who cares' response as justification. 

This dissimulation  has become a part of me. I can look someone close to me, even my wife  in the eye and lie to them, straight up. I know it's wrong and I refrain from it but deep inside I know it's possible. 

I quite easily can 'switch off' from a person. I can walk away from any relationship knowing I won't feel a thing. I struggle to comprehend why this is possible when I know I feel an emotional link to the closer people in life. 

I've learnt to understand the dark passenger and fight him but he reappears in the most important aspects of my life - the place I could really do without him. Nevertheless he's there and the struggle goes on. 

It's difficult to describe the feelings and persuasive skills the dark passenger holds over me.  I'm up against an opponent who knows the few emotional and physical weaknesses I have. He plays a game with no rules, a game he's in to win - no matter what the consequences. 

The never-ending struggle to understand who he is and how I can get rid of him sometimes drives me to breaking point. I give in sometimes and rebel, against what, I don't know? 

My rebellion normally entails shutting everyone out and doing crazy things - like a spoilt child would do to get attention. Maybe that's what I want, or maybe this is the five year old  in me speaking out now! 

Whatever the reason, there's only one reason this can't go on. I can't let the dark passenger or Tom win! The two together, one preceding the other have always been there. But I want a life of my own, a life where I can be happy and laugh from within like my four year son does. 

This is a life in determined to have. 
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