Full of Emptiness

This is my story. Full of emptiness is about my fight growing up after childhood abuse. Without telling a soul I have fought the emptiness and this is a story of my thoughts throughout my life.

Events like this leave you closed with a lot of noise in your head, and an infinite amount of questions. This is my attempt and determination 20 years on, not to let it ruin my life.

Reality is often gruesome, and my story is covered in detail. Please be advised.


2. Him...

We lived on a council estate in a rough part of London, the estate however was very family friendly, taking him - Tom, out of the equation. Everybody seemed to know one another, like you see on the TV. I remember a great sense of 'belonging' everyone used to feel and were there to support on another.

Tom's parents were great friends of my parents. Their back garden was adjacent to ours, and often our parents would spend a lot of time conversing there. The estate was built in a new style at the time and had an open, fresh feel to it.

Tom and his siblings were a lot older then me, and I am the eldest in my family. He was at least 15 maybe older at the time. It's very difficult to put an age on anyone, as it is going back a while. I do wonder why I can't remember some of the details, when all memories like that should be quite vivid. Is it a blessing that I can't remember some of the things? Or have I become so good at shutting this out and pretending I am OK? Either way I often think back and try to figure out why this happened? What characteristics I displayed at the time and why I didn't tell my parents? What had stopped me?

The family was genuinely friendly and I would often go to their house to play with Tom's younger brother, who was a few years younger then him but still older then me. He had all the cool toys so, it was really an honour. It was there I would see him sometimes but as a 5-6 year old, I didn't even remember him as he was of no interest to me.

He was the perfect teenager, good grades, smartly dressed all times, religious and good at sports. His mother would be very proud, and use him as an example to help his younger brother, Jay - my friend to try and do his best. Standing at around 5" 6 he wasn't the tallest of people but had a wide muscly build, with a slightly chubby face. Short, dark hair and dark eyes.

A strong memory I carry is of how charismatic and charming he would always be, even when he was alone with me and showing me how to lubricate his penis. He made everything seem so chilled, like it was normal to have this kind of thing happening.

He was meticulous in everything. I often try to understand him as a person now that I have grown up. His room was spotless - very strange for a teenager, he was precise in what he wanted done, and how he wanted it done. When I would make a mistake in anything he would calmly explain how it should be done.

No one suspects any wrong doing of him even until this day. I think I was the only one, but I can't be sure. I don't know whether his caring, charismatic and precise behaviour was genuine or just an act to camouflage himself in to society and hide what he really was?

I moved away from the estate along time ago, and out of London shortly after but visit the estate when I go to London. Even though it has a disturbing stench of the abuse I endured, there are many find memories there too.

I'm still in touch with his family and yes they remind me of him but why should they carry his sins? Jay has a small family of his own now and is as friendly as ever. Tom moved away many years ago near Birmingham somewhere and has children now and a stable job. Doesn't surprise me, his charm would melt most people's hearts.

Deep inside I hope he's changed for his children's sakes, but that doubt will always play on my mind. I can't help consider the impact if he hasn't stopped. Oddly I dont have any anger towards him, and that angers me. I feel a multi-level anger but at myself for not feeling hate, but just intrigued as to the reasons behind the abuse.

As I grew up I ran through a lot of questions and answers, and eventually one answer turned out to be right.
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