Full of Emptiness

Why, twenty years on do I still have this dark passenger I keep blaming things on? 

Why don't I just carry on with my life and try to believe that what I am is what I am and nothing has to do with Tom. Well, I can't. 

Believe me there's not a thing I want more in life. To wake up and not have a weight on my shoulders, or a darker,  inhuman side of me that's constantly pushing me to be anti-social. 

Sometimes the weight it too much to carry, and I cry.  I cry like a baby, a deep emotion from within rises like a gas ignited flame and I erupt in tears. This way of crying is a lot different then you would cry for other reasons, like a funeral of a loved one.  

I can't stop crying until physically I get drained  and feel a weakness taking over and I can't cry anymore. 

Maybe it's the tears of a five year old?

I've learnt to overcome the dark passenger most of the time, but I just don't have the energy to fight him sometimes and give in. 

Maybe Tom had a dark passenger? Maybe he still has it, like me? Does having a dark passenger justify doing bad things? 

I remember growing up, the one answer I wanted in life was why he did what he did and why me? 

Many years later I would get some sort of explanation as to why he abused me.