Dear friends

this is a letter addressed to friends, however there can never be a reply

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1. the letter

 

Dear friends, I have decided to write for I do not have the courage or will power to tell you in person about the decisions I have made. Though first before that I would like to take this moment to remember, and what better time to start than the beginning. Our friendship did not form straight away, and we did not blossom like natural springs, in fact it was quite the opposite; it was the roaring fires and the tempests that were tearing within us that evidently brought us together. Somehow through the endless arguments and treacherous wars we found a piece of our selves within each other; from this, the first seed of our friendship was planted in the cement that is our foundation. From this alone I believe, that friendship, true friendship lies solely on the hands of fate, you cannot stop hide or interfere with the hand that fate deal. I have learnt that friendship is like a circle of angry flames, and in it burn all the ingredients to better you; in it burn life, joy and fulfilment. I am honoured to have been a part of that. I also want you to remember the good times, the laughter that held us together as well as the trust that bound us to existence. Remember how we were there for each other, how we never let each other go astray and if one did, they were always welcomed back with open arms. Please do not forget that we are more than friends, we are family. However, I want to never forget the bad times we had, because through overcoming those experiences we became better people, we learned that anything as good as our friendship is worth fighting for. From this let us not forget that we came to accepting and forgetting each others flaws, it was from the bad times that we were able to step up and make significant sacrifices for each other. Individually we are single bricks put on a foundation but without being cemented by friendship; together trust and dependence are always here to turn out the darkness and sing towards the light. I may have been at the depth of my despair; at the point of no return or drowning in depression, it was always your love, patience and selflessness that nurtured me to happiness, to what is my normal life; I cannot thank you enough. I have decided to die. The Cancer I had has now returned and is now almost uncontrollable and you, my angels, have guided me and supported me more than my own family. You are my true family. I simply cannot put you through that again. I suppose the question is why? Well with the vigorous combination of chemotherapy and radio therapy, the physical and mental health sessions, I may live longer, yes, but if I do I will live in pain suffering and fear; haunted by the inevitable reality that my friend will return and nature will come to claim its dept on my soul. So you see there is no point in going through all of that again for it will leave me feeling terrible and feeling sorry for myself, and if I do not let you feel sorry for me, I sure will not do it to myself. At 18 I want to live, and if that means I die at 19 then so be it, farewell; but I aim to make every sunrise to sunset count. Time does not stop and wait for anyone to catch up with it, so in these respects I will no sit back and wait for my time to run out. I hope deeply that my decision has not offended or hurt anyone; if it has, forgive me. However, just because I am choosing to die it does not mean you cannot live, if anything live more, live large and live life to the complete fullest, you have the chance to grow aspire and achieve; and though my time is slowly coming to an end, you girls, open your eyes and see that the world is a blood red apple sitting on your palm, begging you to take a bite. Live to learn and love, I pray you meet wonderful men and that they complete you. Although I may not be there in person I will be there in spirit, so save a place for me at the wedding! Oh how I’ve dreamed of marriage, how I would have done it, tell Daniel I love him, tell him I always have and always will. Tell him that I’ve always known how much he loves me too, and that it was him I always fought so hard for, it was him who I wanted to keep coming back to. Tell him he can still live the dream we dreamed; not with me, but another lucky girl. Even though it’s not there I know exactly what crystal he would have placed on my finger. I know exactly how he would have proposed, how in that black suit he has he would have convinced me to go out with him, maybe to a meal, and then some time during the romance he would have gone down on one knee, I’ve imagined how the world will slow down, how the room would start spinning around me, but he and I would stay perfectly still, because only he can keep me grounded, because there are invisible golden strings that bind us together, keeping us connected; working in sync like the way the way the heart pumps blood around through the veins to keep the body alive. I try to think of how your proposals will be, and I smile as I try to imagine how you will all react, your faces, ahh I wish I could share the moment with you. Just know that I will always be happy for you guys. Then the wedding; white silk hand stitched with diamonds, with a slight touch of lace, elegant and beautiful. I think of colours, decorations as well as venues; how blue will go with silver, how small silver and blue ribbons can be laid out on tables with silver and blue wedding favours. I lie here and wonder which of you would make me your maid of honour; it warms me up when I think of the experiences you girls have yet to enjoy. I would like to think that we would still need each other after all the years to come, the way sometimes I just need you guys to hold me and let me cry. I am only upset when I think of how I cannot be there physically for you girls, I feel as though not only will I be missing out on your futures but that I will be failing you as a friend.  I do have one tip for you girls, make sure that when you are walking down the aisle, in the church or the venue, when the soft music is playing and with whomever it is, is giving you away, I know you will be nervous, that you will be taking one of the biggest steps towards the rest of your life. I know that you will be so happy you won’t be able to contain it, but while you’re walking up that yellow brick road, on the path to your happily ever after, with the magic surrounding you and the prince at the end of the aisle waiting to make you his bride, take a moment and look at how far you’ve come, at how much you have achieved and smile for you deserve only the best. Look at that man and truthfully answer the question of if he really is the one? Finally I have one more favour to ask; when I die I would like all of you to promise that your tears will not be wasted, for in my life you have brought happiness and joy, so I would hate to bring pain, sadness and tears into your hearts. If you do something then please smile, for my lifetime you carefully carved a smile out of a permanent frown, you pushed laughter out of dying lungs and finally you planted the seed of acceptance and growth into a broken heart. For these gifts I cannot thank you enough. I wrote one letter to you all as the message stays the same. ‘I love you. Thank you. Farewell.’ Love always Alaighna  

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