The Confession.


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1. The Confession

   I must confess one last time, before I die. Before the blood in my veins freezes. Before my heart stop pounding. Before my eyes close and my breath will forever be gone. Whoever you are… whatever you are… I must confess...

 

   I cannot expect that you will feel sorry for me; that you will forgive me. That’s not what I’m hoping for, when I tell you this story. All I hope is that you will not act like I did, that you will not see the things I’ve seen. A man can hope, right?    At the time, I did not know. After all, how should I? He looked almost like an ordinary teen, nothing special about him. He was… tall and had an aura of mystery. Everything about him, lured me in; his voice, his cold smile, his dark eyes and black hair, his pale skin and that glow in his eyes. He looked so… beautiful. I tried to suppress these feelings, tried to forget about it. But… I couldn’t. Every night, I thought of him. Every night, I cried, knowing that he would never love me. After all, I’m a boy. Just a boy. He was more like a man. The way he acted towards everyone was so mature. He was like no one I had ever known.    Imagine a poison so strong, that you can feel it run through your veins. That you can feel it burning through your body. It burns you up from the inside. It slowly kills you. Mercilessly, it kills you…    It wasn’t me, who made the first move. It was him. For several weeks, he had kept an eye on me. Like a predator chooses his prey, he had chosen me, and found my weaknesses. It was almost scary. At class, I could feel his dark eyes on me. They were burning through me, burning their way into my soul. I felt scared. After all, who wouldn’t? If you were being watched every day for several weeks, wouldn’t you be scared?    He never talked to me. I never talked to him. We just watched each other from a distance. Trying to find out, what the other one was thinking, knowing when he was going to make his move. In June, it happened…    He had skipped classes for a few days, and the fifth I was given the job, to walk by his house, and give him the homework. My heart was beating so fast, when I knocked on his door. Here I was, standing at the front porch at a guy’s house, whose name I did not know. It was kind of pathetic. I felt stupid, when he finally opened the door, and I handed him the note from our teacher. He was standing there in the door, his cold smile played across his lips, and his black hair covered his eyes. It was really warm outside, but he was dressed in a thick black sweater, and black tight pants. I cannot remember exactly what I was thinking at that time, except that I thought he was beautiful. To me, he was perfect.    “Do you wanna come in for a moment?” he asked me, in a calm, steady tone. I couldn’t say no, could I? That would be rude, and that might’ve been my only chance, to get to know him. Of course I thanked yes.    His house was dark. There wasn’t any light, all the curtains were drawn, and it smelled weird.    He showed me into his bedroom. It was huge. His bed was enormous, and the thick curtains were drawn before the wide window. I stepped forward, to pull the curtain, but he gripped my wrist. His skin was so cold, I completely froze. I could feel his cold breath close to my ear; his lips gently touched my neckline. I closed my eyes. With every touch, I felt more and more lost in him. I couldn’t just shake him off of me. I didn’t want him to stop. I wanted to feel it more. That gentle touch, when his lips kissed my cool skin. His hands moved down my body, down to my hips. His lips continued moving up and down my neck, as his hands worked their way up under my shirt. My breathing became heavier. He remained silent. I still don’t know how he did it. How he managed to keep himself together. I felt like I was breaking apart, breaking into pieces and falling to the floor. His cold breath tickling at my skin. I could not move an inch.    He laid me on the bed, still kissing me. My cheeks, my jaw, my neck, a rain of kisses. But he did not kiss my lips. I thought a little about that. Why was that exactly? Didn’t he want to kiss me? Like, for real? When I tried to ask, all that came out of my throat was a little purr. The sound was way too low for the human ear to detect. But he heard it. His eyes starred down at me, his smile was somehow warm. Strange… it was the first time I’ve ever seen him smile like that. I leaned forward, stealing his lips with a kiss. My eyes automatically closed, my mind gave completely away to the pleasure. His tongue slipped inside my mouth, dancing with mine. We were closely entangled, our arms around each other, and our mouths covering the others.    When he pulled away, and moved the soft kisses down to my throat, I should have reacted. The way he kissed me there… it was like he was trying to suck the skin off me. He opened his mouth just at little, and looked up at me. My eyes did not meet his; they were stuck to the ceiling. I was afraid… afraid of looking at him, afraid of what would happen. And then I felt it. A piercing pain in my throat. I could not scream, I was completely paralyzed. My heart was beating so fast, and I couldn’t breathe. When I finally dared to look down on him, all I saw was his hair; his black, beautiful hair. I closed my eyes.  

   When I woke up, I was lying at the hospital. I had a tube in my hand and nose, and it seemed like I was getting blood through the hand. My head was hurting so much, I could barely see anything. By my side was a nurse. She was smiling at me.    “Hey… Hey, are you awake?” she asked me. My vision was blurred, and it was hard to hear her voice. With difficulty I nodded. She nodded back, checked something on the blood bag, and left the room.    I was alone again. For three days, all I did was lying alone in my room. Once in a while a nurse would come in to feed me; I was still too weak to do it myself. For three days, I thought about what had happened. I couldn’t remember anything, except for his eyes. Those dark piercing eyes… They were haunting me in my sleep. Sometimes I dreamt. I dreamt of a dark road, in a forest with a big moon on the sky. I would walk down that road, sometimes even run. And at the end of the road, he would stand. His eyes would be totally focused on me, and his smile would be insidious. He would reach his hand out to me, and when I took it, I would be struck by the coldness of it. A voice would scream in my head, but I couldn’t figure out exactly what it was screaming, except that it was afraid and it was me… I was screaming inside my head.    Back in school, no one asked what had happened, and I didn’t talk to anybody about it. There was a complete silence about my absence the last three days. And he… he was nowhere to be found. I asked about him in the school office, but they answered the same: he had left, and wasn’t coming back.    At nighttime I always saw those eyes staring at me from the dark. His dark eyes were focused on me. Like a predator watches its prey. I was merely prey.

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