Monster

Wanted to practice writing feelings. And constructive comments will be greatly appreciated:)

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1. Monster

My mind is a monster. It has knife-like claws that tear through positive thoughts and pour a dark, black emptiness into the cavernous gorge. When my eyes are closed, it makes me think they are open; makes me see images it creates. Blood-soaked hands and tear-stained faces, held millimetres above my pupils like ghosts haunting my retinas, taunting my body with the promise of sleep. The image returns, night after night, a horrific illusion. It keeps me from sleeping, until my brain has to salvage the last drains of energy to keep itself alive.

The weight in my chest is emptiness, the widest crater filled with an inky darkness that is impossible to see through and impenetrable to any rays of sunlight that may find it. I lied to you; it never filled in. A raw open laceration scars my chest from the inside, ripping apart my heart and leaving in its place a tattered pile of bruised flesh. The evil darkness snaps out, tentacle-like, gripping onto every surface of my chest and pulling inwards, rendering me hunched and defenceless against its immense powers.

I can see a light, shining towards me, coming out from the never-ending darkness, but it is snatched away. It won’t drown in my tears, won’t echo away with my screams. It can never be filled; just grows, soon to wholly consume me. You are my light, but I won’t let you be pulled into this. I cross my fingers and hope to God that you don’t find out. I’ll hide behind a smile that’s been painted on with a thick-handled brush. Lock my tears away with forced laughter. Push back the depression so it is swallowed by itself.

It is a ticking time bomb, waiting for the right moment to explode and let me lose it. Let me lose myself and everything I am. Let me float in the darkness, reaching out for stars that aren’t there, and watching out for the light that will never come. Let me close my eyes and feel peace, not the pain and misery that I have been left with.

I look in the mirror and see a stranger. The blank face with pain etched across it, until I paint on my smile. I create a mask, hiding my feelings and who I really am, until I am a masterpiece. You think I am brave, think I am a beacon of self adoration. And this makes me smile from behind my thick-walled disguise, lets me know that for once, I’m doing something right.

I shoulder the pain and push it away, but still I am my merciless brain’s prisoner. Let me escape this endless monotony; give me peace, tranquil, and nothingness.

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