People's way of being, often clashes with my whole world.


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1. My day

The question which often flickers through my mind, my head, my heart...is

When will i find someone who thinks and is..remotely like me?

Because, i think that many people find themselves faced with this, but choose to follow the crowd rather than be true to themselves and think for themselves. It's easier.

But it's not for me. Because it strangles me, metaphorically of course.

I couldn't pretend to like everything someone else does purely to please the whole group. Why should i?

And this is my problem... This isn't even a story, it's just what i need to get out.

Here it goes.

I grew up, in a really good school.And  i say i grew up there, because from the age of 10 to 14, is when i grew up most. Mentally. I set my targets, i chose my own way of being, i had fights, resolved them, learned the most of what was to become something that will shape me as a person. And then, suddenly, I was ripped away from that life, that was still shaping me. I was thrown into a new environment when doing what i was doing with myself for the past 4 years, was close to impossible.

Problem number 1:

The people. In fact, this helped me a fair bit. Because i realised how nasty and judgemental people, especially my age  , can be. In fact, going back to what i said earlier, i'm going to contradict myself now because i think, that the move, and the people especially, helped me shape my bitter side. Because i saw the nasty side of everyone..when i really didn't expect them too. For no reason.

They had no reason to be nasty to me, to snigger and laugh. I was completely rejected from fitting in, because i was the new girl. And i will never underestimate how horrible people can be , to someone who only recently joined their 'environment'

Nevertheless, the first person that helped me break through the stage of feeling rejected, is now the person i seem to be crushing on. And i think that , his words when he first met ,  are the biggest reason. And i will be thankful to him for being nothing but himself, for my whole life. Because admist all the laughs and rejection i was faced with, his kindness shone through.  A bit like a sun ray shining through the dark trees.

Problem number 2:

The school. I hate it. Not very much so, but to some extent i resented the whole place for a long time and wish it would burn down overnight by some miracolous match striking itself on the sharp ground.

I really dislike it. Comparing it to my older school, it's a contrast. A fairly big one.

I find myself hanging onto the differences each day. i compare it  each second, each lesson. In fact, i let myself use the fact  that it's not as good, as my grades dropping. To some extent, i don't think i was being ridicolous, because with straight A's and B's at the end of the year in Sheldon, i found myself with all kinds on my first report here. And the funniest thing, that pissed me off beyond living doubt, is that they had no other reason to put me in lower sets  and set my rades lower, other than the fact i had a foreign surname and was polish. I had extra english lessons from some random lady for a while, for absolutely no reason. I don't know why. bUt it angered me so much...Especially as i'm an A* english student, which i quite rightly proved with my first written essay, somehow i no longer had extra lessons. funny that isn't it?

Problem number 3:

Myself..

for a while i despised myself because i was so different. And i'm not trying to outshine everyone by saying 'differen't. but it's quite clear when i'm faced with new people and other girls my age.

I'm not sure if it's the fact that i grew up and was taught differently as a child, or the fact they're so shallow and narrow minded in some cases, that makes us flow and beat on very different wave lengths.

My wavelength is quite fast and rapid, i process a lot of information and learn from others quickly. I'm very observant and know when to keep m mouth shut and when to say what. Altough i often spark a little fire, because my opinions and views are much more realistic than others, i think, which isn't very..usual.

Their wavelengths..(by their.. i mean..girls that i became friends with..by some chance) Are more slow. Their opinions don't vary. Same shit , each day. None of them will say what they really think of anything, or have anything that differes from the general opinion, so you see why i might be noted down in their minds as : rude. because i say things as they are and don't sugarcoat it to please everyone.. They find it shocking how i can like different things than the rest of the year. And one of them , even goes as far to fucking offending my tastes and opinions. Which i just find remotely ignorant .

 

Im my own problem. Because of the way i am.

I get in the way of everything. If only i could find someone who actually understands me, i will be forever greatful.

Because i get awfully lonely.

 

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