The Big Cheese

A world in which cheese is banned... and a leader is born.


1. Cheese

Cheese was not always so freely available. It was once seen as ‘impure’ milk and was severely restricted. Those who insisted on using cheese had to be very careful and it was treated with great reverence. Eventually, someone came along with the ability to change the world’s opinion of cheese.
At first, not everyone agreed that this young man was fit for the task:

‘Deliver me away from such folly or I am apt to go berserk. I feel no need to experience this atrocity any more. I mean, dear god man, you would go as far as to put the angelic product that is brie in such a common contraption as a sandwich? Surely you are playing the fool in some sort of attention-grabbing display of machismo. I shall have no further part in this, good day to you all.’

It was clear from his very first day that Tom Ashurst was a rebel. However, the Loyal Order of Coagulated Milk rejected the calls from the old conservatives to have him removed. A young firebrand like Tom was just what they needed. They longed for a time when cheese laws would be relaxed and they could enjoy the curdled delight anywhere they so wished.

Tom openly flouted the rules, gradually growing in confidence. At one time, he even brought babybels to a meeting. In those days pre-packaged ‘fashion’ cheese was extremely frowned upon. He also openly ate cheese before going to bed, saying that he didn’t care about the nightmares. It was worth it he said.
Soon, other members of the order were following his lead and began shaping their cheese strings in his image.
This all came to a head on the historic day Tom gave a speech in Wisconsin. He began with the traditional act of going down on one knee for dairylea and then said:

‘Brothers, listen carefully to what I say,
For I am here to show you the curds and whey.
Believe me, that I give a damn,
For brie and stilton and parmesan.
Trust that I will always roll over,
For a tasty piece of gorgonzola.
In harsh times, with you I’ll always share,
My very last slice of camembert.
I know it pains each and every fella’,
That there is a shortage of mozzarella.
But if you believe I’m as pure as Wensleydale,
Then follow me and we cannot fail.
Let’s change the world, come, don’t be wary,
Soon all will share our love of dairy.’

Cries of agreement rose throughout the crowd, the atmosphere was electric. All agreed that Tom should be appointed as the new Big Cheese. Even the mature cheeses could not deny such an overwhelming recommendation.
This was all cut short when a single gun shot silenced the room. The Association of Onion Lovers (AOL), who had battled against cheese for decades, had struck Tom down before he could perform a single act. Everyone stared in shock at their new leader, lying motionless on the ground.

The silence was finally broken when amazingly, Tom cut the cheese. He stood up slowly and pulled something out of his shirt pocket. It was an extremely mature piece of Red Leicester and a bullet was firmly placed in the centre.
‘I always keep cheese close to my heart,’ declared Tom before the crowd burst into elated cheers.
Tom decided not to retaliate against the onion lovers. Instead, he spoke of his dream. He dreamt of a world where cheese and onion could live side by side. A world where there was no cheese rationing or discrimination. A world where people could eat whatever cheese they liked whenever they wanted to.
He would unite cheese and onion; it would be his first step in creating a new society, a pasteurised paradise.
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